When music makes you feel nostalgia for the past

He used to play the gravity album by Our last peace all the time while driving. I rode shotgun, as he’d blast the music, windows down, shades on, his hand intertwined with mine. I vividly remember hearing track #2 play and how uncomfortable the words made me feel that first time time I heard them. The voice singing sounded so tormented and conflicted over the love he thought he’d found. Somehow I seemed to identify with the voice, but I also shared a kindred connection to the source of his pain. I think understanding that truth is what made it so uncomfortable for me.

Of course years later the song still resonates strongly and I’ve seen the consequences of these toxic one sided relationships. Subconsciously, I have been drawn to the kind of relationships that are doomed from the start. It’s a pattern I started over a decade ago and it’s gotten harder and harder to break as the years have gone by. I’ve learned that the wrong kinds of men are just as much, if not more, drawn to me because we share the same brokenness. The saying, of opposites attracting isn’t true, it’s more so, misery loving company. It’s sad looking back now and realizing that the men that were so desperate to save me, were actually the ones in need of saving.

That being said, I think there’s a big misconception about relationships that most times doesn’t get addressed. Codependency comes in all shapes and forms. It masks itself behind tendencies and behaviors that most overlook or fail to recognize. Feeling trapped or controlled in your relationship is a sure sign of this. Red flags like having to hide, water down, lie, suppress or silence any part of yourself for your partner is a sure sign of an unhealthy relationship. For instance, a person doesn’t have to hit you or blatantly disrespect you for your relationship to be considered unhealthy. A person might think they are being good to you, but in reality they can only do as much good as they’re capable of. It’s not a slam to anyone, but it’s the reality of dysfunctional relationships. There are so many people struggling with codependency issues and don’t even know it. I know I have for a really long time.

Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also results in symptoms such as low self esteem, people pleasing, poor boundaries, reactivity, caretaking, control, dysfunctional communication, obsessions, dependency, denial, problems with intimacy, and painful emotions.

The most important, longest lasting relationship you’ll ever have in life will be the relationship you have with yourself, Take the time to get to know yourself, love yourself and grow. Because the truth is, no one will ever be able to love you in the ways you need, if you don’t ever learn to love yourself first.

Nice guys aren’t good men. Lesson learned.

Via: Lisa Vallejos, PhD
Elephant Journal

Are you a nice guy or a good man?

If that seems like an odd question, bear with me for a moment, because there is a distinct difference between the two.

A nice guy will tell a pretty lie to avoid the discomfort of telling an ugly truth. A good man will deliver the truth, however unpleasant, because his integrity will not let him deceive anyone for his own comfort.

A nice guy will do nice things with unspoken expectations attached. He will take a woman on a date, expecting to get something in return. A good man does things without expectation of a payoff, but because he is acting in accordance with his core values. Should he receive a return—it’s simply a bonus.

A nice guy is worried about his reputation, but a good man is only concerned with his character.

A nice guy fears rejection and so he seeks validation. A good man is self-validated and does not tie his worth to whether he is accepted or rejected.

A nice guy will cloak his intentions and be unclear, while a good man will be upfront with his intentions and be very clear about his aim. The good man leaves no space for ambiguity.

A nice guy will have loose boundaries and will bend over backwards just to seem nice. A good man has clear boundaries and, thus, earns the respect of the people around him.

A nice guy will smother his current love interest and will make her the center of his universe. A good man will give appropriate attention to a lover without becoming overbearing or taking over her life.

A nice guy will blame others, circumstances, or fate for his lot in life. A good man recognizes his role in whatever has transpired, takes responsibility and, when necessary, redirects his course.

A nice guy will make lofty promises to look good while a good man will only make the promises he knows he can keep.

A nice guy wants to play the knight in shining armor, but is quick to disappear when sh*t gets real. A good man knows it’s not his job to rescue anyone but will show up and have your back when needed.

A nice guy will discard anything and anyone that is no longer useful to him. A good man will respect another persons’ inherent dignity and treat them kindly even when they no longer have a role or purpose in his life-plan.

A nice guy lacks leadership abilities and is content to let others guide his life. A good man takes charge of his life and becomes the master of his own fate.

A nice guy will do anything to avoid hurting someone’s feelings while a good man realizes that sometimes, the kindest thing one can do for another may initially be hurtful, but will eventually be helpful.

A nice guy will say what others want to hear while a good man will say what others need to hear.

A nice guy won’t apologize even when he’s wrong because he thinks it makes him weak. A good man is quick with apologies and even faster with reparations.

A nice guy lives in service of himself and his desires while a good man lives in service of humanity.

At the core, the major difference between a nice guy and a good man is that a nice guy is concerned with appearances and etiquette. The good man is concerned with character and morality.

The nice guy takes the easy road. The good man is committed to his development and is willing to do the work to become a good man. The good man realizes that he is not going to get there by taking shortcuts, in life, business, or relationships.

The good man will do the work, and reap the benefits while the nice guy looks on in envy.

If you’re a nice guy, it’s okay. You can become a good man.

Start by speaking your truth, owning your life and choices, and start living for a higher purpose.

Start making decisions that align with being a good man. Change your approach to living.

If you’re a good man—thank you. The world needs more of you.

A war between fact & fiction,We have no time to dispel