Soldier boy

I’m not sure what sort of reaction he expected to get from me, especially since it had been so long since we’d last spoken. One thing I can tell you for sure is that I’ll never ever speak to him again because of it. I knew men were territorial creatures but to what extent I never knew. How could he think he could mess around with a roster of different girls and somehow still believe he had a real claim to me?..

The audacity of this jackass still blows my mind.

He wants the loyalty and exclusivity from me that he himself refused to return then. Sure we talked for a bit and had our moments, but he never really pursued me or made any attempts to make it more than what it was. He never told me how he truly felt, so I took his silence and complacency for disinterest and stopped speaking to him. I left and he let me go so to me his actions said enough to keep me away. Yes, he was very affectionate and I loved that part about him, don’t get me wrong, but it was never enough. I am a woman who needs to hear the words. Any man can ‘make a move” but not every man can open up about what’s in his heart.

I guess I’ve learned a lot in the last few years being single.  I’ve heard it all and seen the double standards placed on women by insecure men. They can dish it out but rarely take the behaviors they expect others to to be okay with. When a man fixates his attention on a specific woman, she becomes his in his mind, regardless of time or space. But in most cases he remains guarded with his intentions and true feelings. Females on the other hand tend to be more aware of their emotions and are more open about their feelings and are more apt to readily admit to them. Men on the other hand. I’ve seen have tried to hide their jealousy and feelings beneath rude sarcasm and asshole behaviors. I’ve watched men seek out random females company as a means of distracting them from the one woman they actually felt a real attachment or connection to. I don’t know if it’s out of fear or ego, but they start playing games with random females trying to convince themselves that the one girl that they can’t stop thinking about actually means nothing to them.

Based on his reaction towards me that night, I can tell his plan had backfired. Honestly,  It’s so frustrating. If you wanna act like I don’t matter to you, fine. Just don’t be surprised when I ignore you and treat you like you don’t exist. You wanna go find a new girl to give you some attention?.. Then go right ahead. I’ll bow out graciously and we won’t have to waste anymore of each other’s time. I’m done playing these petty games with men. The way I see it is if he genuinely cared about me he should’ve spoken up a long time ago. If he wanted more he should’ve asked prior to the moment passing. I just don’t understand why he thought he could control me or demand anything of me anymore. Anger and manipulation does nothing but provoke negativity and resentment inside of me. Telling me he “misses me” and “wants to see me” a half a year later is not flattering. It makes me question his intentions and character. I mean if he knew he felt so strongly about me before why the hell didn’t he tell me then? He got angry when I refused to tell him if I was seeing anyone, and even angrier when I rejected his invitation to hang out on 3 different occasions. Text after text he went on sending an ongoing tirade of nasty emotional messages.  My response was silence.

..And Men say women are hard to understand? Lol Anyways, I’m done ranting now. I need a drink.

Sea me

It’s no longer a matter of “if”, it’s a matter of “when.” I’m unraveling and fading into the nothingness all around me. Like her, I want nothing more than to shut it all off. I feel like I’m drowning on dry land, in front of everyone, but no one can see me gasping for air. They don’t know, because I won’t let them. I don’t want the questions or even the comfort. So I withdraw into myself and disconnect from everyone. Masking the hurt, hiding the pain. I’ve tried to do it his way, but I’m so weak, I can’t do it anymore. I’m desperate to breathe again, and go back to the time before it all fell apart. I know I shouldn’t, but I’ve been entertaining thoughts recently and toying with ideas. Like an ocean wave, I’m taken in and out by the tide, always crashing upon the shore. I don’t really feel like I was made to be on land, to be caged or to be hidden away. I would have been happier in the clouds, or wandering the ocean floors, but my destiny has me here. I have no choice but to force my body and mind to become acclimated to this world that I want nothing to do with. It’s gotten so dark that I can’t even find the energy to try, and find my own way out. I’m too fixated on “saving” you, to even attempt and face the secrets only I can see in my own reflection. Tonight, I think I’ll crash and give into the waves again, they are undoubtedly calling my name, drawing me back out into the depths of the sea. I just want to live a moment without this crippling fear, and ever present pain. I want this to be a part of the past already, a figment of my imagination, or a nightmare I can wake up from.

Fish out of water. Butterfly without wings.