Never enough: Addicted to love with the wrong one

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http://valliscommodities.com/fr/services/stock-monitoring/feed/ Private schools and beautiful vacations, big parties and expensive gifts, custom made homes and over the top holidays together, but no relationship whatsoever to show for it.

Poor little rich girl.

Buy Ambien Sleeping Pills I knew nothing about struggle or bills. I didn’t even understand the concept of money until I married a man who didn’t have it. I grew up never having chores, learning to cook or doing my own laundry. Everything was already done for me before it was even a thought to ask. When things would break, they’d be replaced or fixed immediately and I wanted for nothing.

Buy Mano Diazepam My first car was a graduation gift I didn’t earn or ask for, but it was given to me without rules or stipulations. I didn’t pay for insurance or maintenance because it was taken care of for me. When I got my first checking account money was put into in and when I’d overdraft my account, it got paid off. I didn’t feel entitled, but I knew I had advantages growing up that other children didn’t. I can’t remember wanting something that I didn’t eventually get.

Generic Phentermine Not Working Each year I was given money to buy a new wardrobe and shoes, even when I didn’t need them. College and books were paid for, even though I’d often ditch to be with whatever boy I had interest in at the time. I didn’t really understand repercussions and consequences because I never was forced to pay them. I had everything I wanted and more, but I was so emotionally empty on the inside. I know from the outside looking in, I had it all and in many ways I did but no one knew at what cost. Everything comes with a price.

http://littlemountainproject.com/tag/solving-housing-problems The flip side to such a comfortable lifestyle was never really getting to know my father. Some had absentee fathers physically, but mine was absent in the emotional sense. He worked long hours, leaving for work before we woke and getting back long after we’d already gone to bed. My father didn’t invest time in me or try to get to know me, because his focus was on work. It didn’t stop me from wanting his love, affection and praise, that sadly even up until this day he’s never given me. I supposedly was the fruit of his love, but his actions or lack thereof, seem to state the opposite.

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Buy Diazepam Belfast At the age of fourteen, my father decided to divulge many secrets about his past that rocked the entire foundation I once stood on. My father told us he had an illegitimate child we never knew of, had dealt drugs, suffered from every addiction you could think of, attempted to commit Suicide, was a known womanizer and had a violent past. The truth was my father had once been a monster and was nothing like the innocent poverty stricken child he had led us to believe. Everything my father hated he had been, and every form of judgment he passed down, he himself was guilty of. It left me feeling deceived and unable to fully trust anyone anymore. I couldn’t justify my fathers absence and lies, and after learning the truth about him, I came to understand some things about myself.

http://valliscommodities.com/team_member/nick-houston/ I could forgive a plethora of sins committed before me or done to me, but I could never forgive someone who repeatedly lied to me. I was hurt, confused and irate for many years following his confession. I also came to discover how other men I’d admired, loved and respected had done similar things in their past as well. It left me wondering if all men were really monsters at their core, or if all they really needed was saving. That mentality planted in me as a child caused me to look at every man and question the very same thing over and over again; is he a monster or is he a good man?

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I developed a painful addiction of loving the wrong kinds of men. Through trial and error I learned that knowing something and feeling something are two entirely different things when it comes to love. I guess I always wanted to be the inspiration for change in another persons life and by healing others I thought maybe I could heal myself. I was still trying to come to terms with all the issues I never addressed as a child. I was the girl that wanted the time and not the diamond watch. I wanted my daddy and not all the stuff he gave me to fill his place. I think to me that became more apparent as my rebellious acts grew. I was running with the wrong kinds of guys, sneaking out and putting myself in dangerous situations. I couldn’t vocalize my pain so I buried it thinking it would just disappear, but it didn’t. My Dad and I wanted different things. He wanted my submission and total control, I wanted to be loved and free.

I️ desperately wanted his approval, but he wasn’t the kind to even pay a compliment. All he did was criticize, judge and control. He was emotionally detached and physically unavailable when I needed him most.

As a little girl I remember watching t.v shows where Kids were being smothered with fatherly affection, praise and unconditional love. I often wished to have a dad like the ones I saw portrayed in the movies, and found myself imagining what it must feel like. I still hoped for random hugs and kisses, sweet notes left at my bedside to wake up to, but those things never came. I learned to cope by living in my world of dreams and fantasies, focusing all my attention on my little sisters, while quietly praying for the day that my Dad would finally notice me.

So I worked hard, got awards, was well like with teachers and popular among my classmates. I was a star athlete when I decided to play sports and favored among all my teachers. I later showed him I had true talent by serenading him on a family road trip when I was thirteen. Al of it was a conscious effort to get his approval and attention yet every accomplishment was followed with complaints and negative criticism of some kind.

I could never win..which to me meant..I could never really be worthy of love.

I know my first real rejection by him came when I was about 9 or 10 years old. I asked him if he could play “make believe” with me, but he told me no and said he had given me four little sisters for that purpose, and I should go ask one of them instead. I can still remember the burning in my throat and the turning in my stomach, but I couldn’t show him my hurt. I smiled and acted like I understood, then ran straight to the bathroom to cry in the dark.

That is one of many moments he neglected and disregarded me, talked over and corrected me. Eventually I learned to stop hoping, stop asking and stop expecting something that would never be returned. He was too tired, too hard headed, too distracted by responsibilities to notice that I was learning to live without my daddy.

Raised like a princess, but treated like a soldier; I learned how to mask my sadness with surface indifference and humor. I was expected to be submissive and practical, but those concepts always seemed so foreign to me, much like my father. The things I️ did come to know about him, I didn’t like or understand, so I made excuses for him and assumed that the problem had to be me.

He never did apologize or acknowledge any all of the hurt he’s caused me over the years, nor has he validated me in any sense. Even at 33 years old, my father has rarely to never shown me any emotion beyond disappointment and anger. And now I see how that negativity, disregard and neglect has eaten away at my heart and soul.

He should’ve been the life vest that saved me all those times I isolated myself in bathrooms and closets, trying to hide my tears; instead he ended up being the anchor that stunted my growth, by weighing me down and eventually drowning me. No matter how many times or ways I’ve expressed my pain, my cries have fallen on deaf ears. It’s made me question why I am not worth more than his pride or his need to be right.

How can one man can be both the problem and solution? Builder and destroyer? Sickness and cure?..

..And how is it that everyone else can see me, except him?

Apart from the emotional stuff, my father was an excellent provider and planner for the future. Today he is completely debt free. He owns all his cars, motorcycles and homes. His hard work has finally paid off, but it has cost him dearly. He’s missed out on years of quality time with his wife and five daughters. He has everything he’s ever wanted, but now no one to truly share it with. A big beautiful house that remains empty most nights, because we’ve all gone our separate ways. It’s sad that my father thought that providing financially and giving gifts would be enough.

I’ve grown tired of telling him what I need to feel accepted and loved. He doesn’t understand how his cold indifference, harsh words and abusive actions have hindered our relationship throughout the years. I suffered physical abuse at his hands and took the blame in order to protect my family, all while never feeling truly loved or accepted by him, ever. Yet somehow I’m supposed to believe there’s a man out there capable of loving me in the ways I need?..

My own father can’t even do that.

People understand up to their own experience and perception of life. And I guess the same could be said for how people love as well.

I know when it came to talks of the future, love and marriage, my father always pushed his opinions about the kind of man I should desire. I’d tell him all the characteristics I wanted in a partner and he’d laugh. My desires were always for emotional fulfillment, words of affirmation and quality time. My father’s desires were superficial, logical and more so action over words. He wanted a man with money, education and power for me and my sisters. He felt marrying less would be beneath us. He’d say “it boils down to this, you can marry the rich man or the poor man. Suffer in luxury or in poverty.” I never understood why suffering and pain were realities my father always foresaw in his daughters future relationships, but they did. I often challenged him on his stance because I’d argue back saying I wanted to love and be loved for things money can’t buy. I desperately wanted to believe that not all men were going to treat me the same way my father had, but one thing he instilled in me was my fear of love and inability to fully trust a man. I never wanted to be a man’s trophy wife left on a mantle to gather dust and be forgotten. I wanted to be a passionate partner who could be an inspiration to her man on his own path to fulfilling his lifelong goals. It was clear that my father wanted the reality but I was set on the dream.

At 19, I eloped to Vegas with the boy who brought me flowers and wrote me poems. The boy who called me “Pretty” and who couldn’t keep his hands off of me. I fell in love with the boy who couldn’t sleep without my body next to his or start his day without a kiss from me first. I fell in love with the dream I had in my heart and the lies this beautiful boy told me. I learned the hard way that my father was right and how the worst kinds of men hide behind attractive facades. It wasn’t until I left my dads protective bubble that I came to know the world of chaos, secrets, addictions, drugs, lies, manipulations, infidelity and pain. It was naive of me to believe that the boy who came from total dysfunction could ever promise me a happy life of peace and sobriety. After years of abuse and suffering in silence, I left the beautiful boy I once loved and accepted the reality of who he truly was all along. I️ never had my dream as a child or as a adult; they were all just nightmares in the end. And sadly, he’d be the first of many, in the long succession of men I’d come to love and leave.

Nothing could ever compare to the pain I️ experienced when I️ lost my first love. To this day, he is the only man I’ve ever truly committed to in every sense. I’ve never loved, adored, obsessed over, fucked, forgiven, fought, protected or lusted over another man like I️ did him. Letting him go took years to get over and literally almost killed me in the process. But after surviving the absolute worst, I knew that I️ could handle anything after.. and I️ did. The rest of the procession over the years became a blur. I no longer wanted the nice guy or the quiet bystander. I wanted the bad boys and rebels who were possessive, obsessive and treated me with the same cold detachment my father had treated me. Unavailable, under developed “man boys” who never got over their own issues long enough to realize that I had some of my own. They all followed the same patterns of addictions and abuse. All abandoned by their fathers at a young age, never taught how to become real men. They also had major mommy issues from childhood and subconsciously sought out women like me to heal them. Their mother’s were resentful, selfish and too caught up in their own vices to give enough affection or attention to their little boys while growing up. They never learned how to love and respect women, so they mistreated, manipulated, abused and used them. In most cases without them realizing, I had to fulfill both roles of mother and lover with these broken men. I’d give the little I had to fill their needs and leave them more empty and insatiable than before. Like two asteroids colliding in space, we’d crash into one another and be left in more pieces than we were before. I guess my dad was right about one thing, you can’t look for a man’s love in broken boys.

So here I️ am, back to the beginning, picking up the pieces, trying to rectify any fragment of a relationship I could possibly ever have with my father. I️ realize forgiveness and healing takes time, but I’m determined to heal this gaping wound, even if it’s just for the sake of my own sanity. I’m tired of subconsciously searching for love and approval in the eyes of men more fucked up than I am. It’s time I face all my insecurities and issues and try to see the ways my father has tried to show me he loves me. Tough love and provision may not be how I want to be loved or shown love, but I’ve accepted that it’s the only way my Father will ever know how to express his love for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so thankful for the beautiful childhood my father provided, I️ just wish he could’ve been a part of it. I’m not sure if I’ll ever break free of this vicious cycle, but tonight I guess I’m just too lonely to care.

Lucky for you…

 

Wise words from a wise man.

“One of the worst mistakes you can make is pushing a loyal person to the point where they no longer care. Because it’s at this place that they realize that fighting for you is not worth losing themselves.

Listen. When happiness becomes a priority, removing pain becomes necessary.”

In case you were wondering…

I’m surviving.

I stopped running.

And..

I’m never coming back to you.

Change: the only constant in this life

“There’s no one to call …cause I’m just playing games with them all
The more I swear I’m happy, the more that I’m feeling alone
‘Cause I spend every hour just going through the motions
I can’t even get the emotions to come out
Dry as a bone, but I just wanna shout…
What now?..I just can’t figure it out
What now?..I guess I’ll just wait it out
What now?..somebody tell me..
What now?”

I can feel the all too familiar numbness of my indifference begin to sink in as I come across old pictures from the past. I see familiar strangers that once had the ability to move me deeply with just a smile. Now as I gaze at those same smiles I begin to wonder what it was I ever felt for them in the first place. I question their love, loyalty and feelings and every time I try to find those answers, I come up empty handed. In all honesty, the memories have become tainted and blurred because the emptiness is all that remains. In order to understand me there are certain things you must know about me..

See, at a very young age I learned certain defense mechanisms and coping skills, that helped protect me as a child. Sadly, those tactics have now come back to haunt me as an adult. For example, I learned that looking tough mattered more than actually being tough. I came to believe that if they never saw you cry, or came to discover how affected by their cruelty you were, then it would be you who would hold the power over others and yourself. I became the little girl with a chip on her shoulder, rather than the little girl who wore her heart and emotions on her sleeve.

In school I was always well liked, accepted, looked up to and popular. I noted some kids were accepted for their humor, others for their grace and talents; while I felt accepted by my outer appearance and my ability to intimidate everyone around me. I was told by my peers and teachers that I exuded a strong confidence and presence. I didn’t quite understand it then, and I can’t say that I do fully now really, but it helped to protect me.

Growing up I had a new best friend and new “boyfriend” every year. Only rule I seemed to follow regarding the was modifying each annually. Keeping my attention was hard even then and I learned that my loyalty and love, could rarely be matched. I could be confrontation and blunt when necessary. To clarify, I didn’t create drama, but I never coward or ran from it. Outwardly, I appeared fearless and I became the ultimate protector of myself, as well as my four little sisters. No one could hurt them and not hear from me. It didn’t matter if you were the pastors son, the daughter of the teacher, the child of the principle; if you attacked one of mine, I went straight after you and yours. It didn’t matter the time, place or person. I was able to go from loveable to absolutely loath-able in a matter of moments. And as little as I was physically, I never let it stop me. I had the heart of a giant and the undeniable ability to verbally destroy anyone who tried to make me feel less. I learned to put up an impenetrable wall that no one could ever break through. I placed each stone, one on top of the other, year after year, creating the fortress that I struggle to destroy today. I did this because it’s what I needed to be..that hard exterior was my armor and as long as I kept that on, it kept me safe and kept everyone at bay.

For years and years I was the image I portrayed and every year as the roles of new crush and best friend changed, I came to encounter a deeper emptiness than I had ever felt before. I had to live up to a certain image for others around me, including myself, that Id created long ago. I grew older and wiser and saw how these “mechanisms” began to hinder me more than help me. It took some pretty heavy, life-changing circumstances to make me come to terms with everything, but finally I decided to be honest with myself. People I’d came to know and love changed me forever, and then they were taken from me abruptly. I had to lose everything in order to understand anything. I was forced to face myself and question why I do the things I do,why I think the things I do, why I say the things I say, and why when emotionally things get too heavy, I decide to “check out”. It’s been a long time coming and I knew eventually I’d have to confront those demons from my past.

I think it’s all leading me back to a place I always avoided; a foreign, nerve racking and uncomfortable place I had to go to find myself. It is everything I have turned away from and everything I have ever feared. I absolutely hate facing my emotions, feelings or even remotely allowing myself to be in any sense vulnerable. I see MY vulnerability as a total weakness. I see my “feelings” as a potential liability that just makes me cringe. Overcoming such backwards thinking has proven itself to be more difficult than I would’ve ever anticipated.

I just don’t like to go there..at all..for any reason…ever.

So many people truly don’t know the real me, because I am constantly choosing which parts of myself to show, and allow others to get to know. Everyone has the potential to destroy me, if I allow myself to love them, and let them love me back. It’s really sad that these are my thoughts, my “feelings”, my way of life. It wasn’t always this extreme, but just like a cancer that has grown and spread overtime, it eventually poisoned the goodness I had left inside. So I decided to seek advice and help from certain people I trust and respect.

I am making personal commitments and sticking to them weekly to better myself as a person. I don’t tell people anything. I let them create the version of me they identify with best. I don’t correct them or give them much reason to think otherwise. I simply don’t care at the end of the day who it is they think I am. Because I know they are only seeing “pieces” of me and they can only speculate what my complete picture is from just that. I have been greedy and kept the majority of those pieces to myself and only allowed my guard to come down with random people over the years that I felt I could trust. I’m sure it has to do with how harshly I have been judged over the years by my peers, my family and society that has lead me to keep my life so private. Many just want to know for gossip purposes rather than truly caring or having real concerns. Sadly, those in the church have been thee most unrelenting with their pressure for me to be some sort of perfect being throughout the course of my life.

Judgmental eyes are everywhere..always watching..always waiting for the fall..some may be even reading this now..maybe with everything I just said I am being written off as we speak..oh well.

One truth about myself I will share is that at heart, I am a very sensitive, perceptive and intuitive sort of person. I see a lot..but don’t talk a lot. I have endured a lot..but don’t share a lot. I know a lot..but don’t judge a lot. I’ve hurt a lot..but don’t cry a lot..I am the life of the party a lot..but most times I prefer to be alone and left alone a lot.

Where once I despised and judged..I now choose to be patient and loving. Because sometimes I look into people’s eyes and see small reflections of myself..glimpses of my own struggles and pains. You can’t begin to really love people if your constantly wasting all your time judging them. I don’t want to alienate them because I keep isolating myself. And in those moments I realize how desperate I am to tear down this stone wall that has kept me so detached for so long.

I want to be strong enough to be weak. I want to have the courage to once again be vulnerable. I want the ability to be myself completely with any and everyone, without hiding behind my wall when things get to too heavy. More than anything I want to get to a place where I can let those who love me see me broken and give them the opportunity to show me their love by just being there for me. I am always picking up pieces of those I love but I never allow them to do that for me. How selfish I have been to deny them such a beautiful gift.

Reality is, If I’m really honest with myself, I can say that the common denominator in all those failed friendships and relationships was me. I can’t blame everything or everyone else for “making me” into what I am today. At some point we all have to look inwardly and focus on our own behaviors and attitudes and not feel the need to control others by indifference or anger. I’m putting the time, effort and thought into rediscovering who I am. I have to learn what is a healthy balance for me and not be so fixated on what others have done or can do to me. I can’t live like that anymore..because living in fear is not living at all.

I know that’s a lot of heavy baggage to get off my chest and to see it written before my eyes makes it that much more real. Time to step up and accept my part and move forward. I know the road up ahead is going to get more uncomfortable and scarier before it gets better but at least now I know where I’m headed. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and a way out of this maze of madness inside my head. Part of the problem is me just accepting that…and acknowledgment is the first step, right?..What can I say..I’m a constant work in progress.

I’m uncovering the unapologetic, undefined, unhidden and unafraid woman I truly am. I wanna be able to look back at these same pictures I looked at today and feel something.. even if it turns out to be only sadness, disappointment or regret…

“Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.”

The hardest thing I ever had to write: A Eulogy for my Best Friend.

On August 28th 2007, the world lost an amazing soul, and heaven gained a new angel. Below is the eulogy I wrote to honor my late best friend, Michelle Dymalski.
In the days that followed her death, I was privileged enough to share these words at her funeral service.  I can still feel the pain I felt standing in front of that crowd of few hundred people, completely vulnerable and exposed, locked knees and tear filled eyes, determined to share my love for one of the greatest people I’ve ever known. Death may have separated us a decade ago, but the love that binds us has never been severed. Some bonds just can’t be broken.

It’s hard to sum up Michelle into one letter, to define her with mere words, and express the love I have for her with this small token of affection. It’s hard to explain the friendship we shared that was so utterly unique, special and unlike any friendship I had, or ever will have again.

Michelle was my best friend. I met her my junior year of high school in Mr. Herbert’s choir class. There we shared a deep love of music, and the way that it moved us. She was the first person I had ever met that I had, what our friend Kristen would say, “friend lust” for. Just basically meant that she was someone I observed and was intrigued by because of the kind of person she was, and I wanted to be her friend. It was just something about her. Besides being gorgeous beyond words, she was sweet and tender hearted. She never judged others by their outer appearance, or by other shallow standards that most use, but by their heart. Strange didn’t exist in her world. Everyone was unique and wonderful. I guess she looked at others with God’s eyes; open and forgiving, full of promise and possibility. She had a glow and I was drawn to her like so many others. With just one conversation she became my best friend and my kindred spirit. Our humors were alike, our taste in music and fashion, but thankfully not boys. We were force to be reckoned with, and we relished in our youth. “Ying and Yang” she’d say, and we’d always argue who was which. She’s always referred to me as her “partner in crime.” I cannot tell you how many times we get ourselves into some kind of mess. Her approach was always light and innocent, while mine was aggressive and daring. If there was ever such a thing as friend soulmates, she was definitely mine; down to my every thought and word. Our memories span over six years and in those years she has left me with the best memories and inside jokes that will last a lifetime. She’d always say I was her sister and that even though her skin may not be brown, her heart was. I always got a kick out of her attempts to eat spicy food and speak Spanish. There were a few times her mix up on words got us into some crazy situations, but she found the key to happiness and it was laughter. Even in the midst of calamity and depression she could always laugh. Whether it was at a ditsy comment her or I made, or just laughing at the stupidity of some crazy person on the road, she found humor in everything. She lived her life with purpose and promise. She may have seemed tame to some, but she also had her wild streak. She loved to dance, be outdoors, and speed like a mad woman, pushing all limits.  I laugh now thinking of all the times she should’ve been ticketed for going almost 65mph in a 45 mph speed zone. Her good looks and charm got her out of a few tickets, but that girl was lucky when it came to not getting caught.

We had our dorky moments too while making “music videos” in the car; which was basically us dancing like retards to some upbeat music blaring through her speakers, singing along in harmony, with the AC blowing high and the windows down low. I’m sure we scared many drivers numerous times while being in those moments, but in those instances no one else existed or mattered but us. It was our world, our time, our thing. One of the many things that we shared. We also cherished our quiet times with one another. She loved to take me with her when she drove to the lake past power road late at night, just to clear her head and think. We’d listen to Lifehouse or Coldplay, never saying a word, but finding true contentment in each others presence. We understood one another like that. Sometimes we needed to be let be, and just be, with one another.

Michelle was a very private person and I feel lucky to have had her open up her heart and thoughts to me. We always talked about how our friendship was intended to be since the beginning of time, how God in all his wisdom and mercy blessed us with one another. After all she did attend school with my (ex) husband, And was the connection to how I came to meet and fall in love with him. I will never forget that day when fate finally stepped in and came together. I was 17, and she was 18 and we were with two of our other girlfriends shopping at the mall when all of a sudden our destinies seemed to intertwine.

I can still hear her voice saying, “whatever you do, don’t look over there, some ghetto guys are checking you out.” And just as she had many times before, she quickly jumped into defensive mode, blocking their view of me. She glanced over once more only to realize that the “ghetto boy” was a former classmate of hers from junior high. The rest is history, but she was there for me from the beginning. She supported my feelings and thoughts even if she didn’t understand them all completely. She stood by my decision the night I decided to elope to Vegas. She was supposed to be our witness/maid of honor, but unfortunately her parents caught us before she walked out the front door. Out of fear that she might do the same, they wouldn’t let her go. But she did insist on packing me a bag of goodies. She said she put all the “necessities” in there. On the way to Vegas I checked the bag, inside the majority of the necessities consisted of make up, face wash, hair products, lotion, perfume and a blow dryer. I should’ve known, but I used it all and left up with the clothes on my back, some pajamas she had given me, along with her unconditional support. Her approval encouraged me to follow my heart, for that I will be forever grateful.

Michelle later got her title as maid of honor at my church wedding a month later, and recently I was blessed to hold that title in hers. I felt honored to stand by her side just as she had done for me all along.

Michelle, was the answer to my prayers so long ago as a child. I can’t tell you how many times I saw sisters at school or in a park and wished with all my heart to have a big sister of my own. I was so jealous of the bond that they shared, but being the oldest of six, I never got to have someone to imitate or look up to, that was until I met her. She was blood to me. She protected and defended me, and held my hand when I was scared to go it alone. She encouraged me to pursue my dreams and gave me the big sister advice that I always longed for. There’s so many memories I have of her speaking up for me and shielding me with her love. Her reaction in the mall that day is a testament to that. She frequently looked out for me and kept me out of harms way. She was and will always be the person I admired and envied so much.

I have many fond memories of her, but one of my favorites was the night before she ascended into Paradise. She spent it with her closest girlfriends, dancing and laughing the night away. Her last night on earth was spent feeling carefree and happy, the happiest I’d seen her since Ryan’s passing. She looked so beautiful and radiant that I actually told her she glowed. I think anyone who knew her was drawn to her beauty, but was enraptured by her sweet charm. She had no enemies and she delighted in her youth and blessed life. All night she kept telling me how much she loved me, as we held hands to protect each other, and to keep all the weirdos away. She said we had to go out again soon because she had so much fun and missed spending time with all our friends. I promised her we would, and we made plans for this past Saturday, after my sons birthday party. That would’ve been yesterday. After her wake I had to go through with the party I had scheduled for my son’s third birthday, not because I wanted to, but because she wouldn’t have had it any other way. It was hard to celebrate his life while mourning her loss. She promised me she would be there, and that she wouldn’t miss it for the world, but sadly that is the one promise she ever made to me, that she couldn’t keep.

I keep thinking of the lyrics to one of our favorite songs, “The scientist” by Coldplay, We played that song over and over for the longest time. The words seem so much more special to me, hearing them now in my mind. “Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry, you don’t know how lovely you are. I had to find you tell you I need you, tell you that I set you apart. Tell me your secrets, nurse me your questions, oh let’s go back to the start. Running in circles, coming in tales, heads on a science apart. Nobody said it was easy, oh it’s such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said that it would be this hard. Please, take me back to the start.” Later in the song he sings, “tell me you love me, come back to haunt me,” and I just can’t seem to let her go. How those words are what my heart is saying to her now. How I wish that I could be selfish and have her back again, but I know this was her destiny and somehow God’s will.

In the past few months Michelle grew closer to Christ, her relationship and walk with him was the strongest it has ever been. Instead of blaming God for taking Ryan, she thanked him for the time she did share with him. She was strong and courageous as she faced the greatest challenge of her life. She called me frequently just to clear her thoughts. We spoke many times about death, her wishes and Ryan. She loved that man with every inch of her being. She missed him so much that I truly believe she died of a broken heart. She asked me questions and asked my opinion, whether he had suffered, what he thought and felt, what he experienced as he passed through heavens gates, and if he remembered her. I did my best to give her scripture and encourage her. I told her I wasn’t God and that I wasn’t sure, but I know that our God is a God of mercy and grace, and not a dictator trying to ruin our lives. I reminded her that each trial and tribulation is a test of our character to see where our loyalty lies. And she passed that test many a times with flying colors. She stood by her faith, and made it the foundation of her life. I admired her ability to see the good in all of it, instead of the evident or worst. I told her my views and opinions on heaven. I also had dreams of it years earlier, and didn’t want to wake up. I’m sure that is what she felt, sheer beauty and peace, that she couldn’t bare to stay here on earth any longer. I’m sure God allowed Ryan to meet her there at the golden gates, and lead her into paradise. I know God answered her prayers. She finally got to be reunited with her husband, but her gain has become my greatest loss. The last conversation we had on the subject was almost a week ago, she told me that while she was visiting family in Alabama, she drove to Florida to stay at a family member’s condo for a bit. She said she ventured out to do some shopping and heard her and Ryan song from the wedding. She asked me, “do you think he’s trying to give me a sign, like he’s trying to speak to me and tell me he’s OK?” I said, “Yes, because I believe God can allow those things, since he knows they will bring us peace and comfort. He doesn’t leave us with nothing, because the soul really does live on forever.” She got choked up and have jokingly said, “well whichever one of us gets to heaven first, has to give the other a sign that they are OK.” I laughed and I told her I’d haunt her, but we made that promise to each other that day. Little did I know that my best friend would be meeting her creator a week later. She never broke a promise to me before, so I’ll wait patiently for her to send me a message. I will keep my eyes and ears open, until God permits us that moment.

Michelle always used to say, “everything always happens for a reason” I think I will spend my entire life wondering what that reason is and why she’s no longer with us; but I will press on with the faith that in time, I will come to know that answer. She truly believed that with everything within her.

Nothing is by chance, nothing, and we are not meaningless creatures walking aimlessly on this earth. We are all born with a purpose and a plan, but sometimes, we fulfill them sooner than others. She left us so young, so classic and beautiful. She will be immortalized in our memories that way as we grow older. She will never age but remain the beautiful 23-year-old woman we saw her grow and mature into. I know she learned how precious and fragile life is, and she really came to appreciate every bit of it in these last few months. She lived a life anyone of us would be proud of, the kind of life we should strive to live ourselves. Because of that, Michelle has become an even greater source of inspiration for me to live a God-fearing life. I have someone waiting for me and expecting me, and I will not let her down. Saying that I must say something to her amazing parents..

Dear Dymalski’s, your daughter was everything she was, because of you. Because you loved her and supported her, because you always had her back no matter what, because you were her world and you instilled good morals and strong faith and her at such a young age. You taught her to put God first and live life to the fullest. Rich, you were her rock and her hero. You were everything she ever wanted in a man, and she knew no matter what, her daddy was there, whenever for whatever to take care of her if she needed it. You were a great father to her, and she admired you in every way possible. Never blame yourself, but take pride in knowing your daughter left earth knowing you loved her. Kathy, you were her original best friend. You shared a secret bond with her, and she cherished that more than anything. She wanted to be like you in every way. She looked up to you as a mom, and loved how you were able to handle being everything to everyone. You were her inspiration and she knew she was your baby girl. She never feared anything, because she had to you. You are a great mother. Never regret anything. I know she never did. As far as her brothers, Stevie, you were her buddy, her little brother and she loved you so much. I know she liked to boss you around, but that’s what big sisters are for; she wanted nothing but the best for you, so never settle for anything less. Brian, you were her cool big bro. She was proud of you and understood you even when you may not have understood yourself. She loved you and wanted you to find your happiness. I am proud to know good people like you, because in a world like ours, good people are really hard to come by. So thank you for treating me like your own daughter, accepting me and welcoming me into your home. You have touched my life and changed it forever.

I made numerous promises to her on her deathbed that I intend to fulfill and carry out for the rest of my life. Today, with everyone present, I’d like to speak them aloud for everyone to hear. So again, this is for you, Michelle.

Michelle,

I love you and I will commit to keeping her memory alive as long as I live, to include you in as many conversations as I can, and keep your memory fresh in everyone’s mind in the years to come. I will be there for Ryleigh and love her as if she were my own. I will support her and teach her how to pick the right color foundation and shoes, let her know that at target everything is always way cheaper, and not allow her to date utill she’s 30. I promise to help your mom explain all the important things in life, such as keeping your word and protecting your reputation as a lady. I solemnly swear to tell her how amazing you were. I will share with her all my memories of you, and be like a second mom to her when she needs a piece of advice from someone who thinks a lot like her mama. I will tell her how beautiful you were inside and out, and how you never let others pettiness bring your spirit down. I will look after your parents as if they were my own, and include them in as many important milestones in my life as possible. I will keep Brian in check, and make sure Stephen marries a nice girl. I will protect your memory and reputation and keep in touch with the friends you cared so much for. I will cry harder, laugh harder and love harder, because I’ve learned that we are never promised tomorrow. I will continue to make music videos in my car, and someday share that special moment with your own daughter. I will continue to love you eternally and to you never strip you of the title “best friend.” As long as I’m living, I will make you proud and look to the heavens for my strength. Thank you for your friendship, for the bond, for the sisterhood we shared. I hope you know that I loved you in a special way that was very unique and different from everyone else. A piece of my heart will always be yours and until we reunite again, that piece will always be missing. I will do you justice and protect everything you loved, the same exact way you always defended and protected me. I wish you eternal happiness and peace, although I know it’s already yours. Give my love to my brother and my grandfather especially, I know they must’ve been anxious to finally meet you. You’re finally with your soulmate again, in the presence of angels, and Our heavenly father. I will never say goodbye to you Michelle; just see you later with a smile, because I know I still have my purpose here on earth still to fulfill.

Again, I say thank you best friend for everything. I will miss you and think of you everyday for the rest of my life. I love you with all my heart and soul
Michelle, always and forever.

 

 

Just like Halsey, I’m bad at love

“Got a boy back home in Michigan
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I remember your whiskey kisses, your eager hands and cat like green eyes. You loved having my scent all over you throughout the day, wearing the same shirts to work that I’d worn the night before. You bought my favorite shampoo and body wash as a means of convincing me to stay those late nights and it worked on a few random occasions. I liked the way your Armani cologne lingered on my skin and how even up until today whenever I smell it, I can still feel the stubble of your 5 o clock shadow nestling its way into the softness of my neck. You were never a man of many words and I was never one for lengthy explanations so I guess the way it ended was inevitable. Months later I’d receive numerous drunk phone texts and voicemails from you apologizing for leaving so much left unsaid between us. You told me that you went to my secret place in the desert where I once took you. You played my beloved, Stevie Nicks the entire drive and reminisced over the conversations we shared beneath the stars those summer nights. You said you tried recreating those moments on your own, but somehow the stars just didn’t seem to burn as bright after I’d left. Days became weeks and weeks turned into months before you’d set out to find me again and by that time it was too late, the once open doorway to my heart was now locked shut. Time brought you clarity while it permitted me the space to move on. I can’t deny that even after all this time I sometimes find myself looking up at the stars they way we used to, questioning where you are, if you’re happy and wondering who now lays on my side of the bed. I still miss those whiskey kisses and can’t deny that yours are still the sweetest lips I’ve ever tasted.

“There’s a guy that lives in a garden state
And he told me that we make it ’til we graduate
So I told him the music would be worth the wait
But he wants me in the kitchen with a dinner plate..”

I grew up with you and you knew me throughout all my awkward stages. You were the first guy to tell me you loved me. Back then I was way too young to realize what that meant, but more specifically what that meant being loved by someone like you. I’m sorry your intensity and passion scared me, I understand now what I couldn’t then. I admit I lost track of time and my purpose, but you wanted a commitment right when I was trying to focus all my energy into the music and finding my own way. I couldn’t give you what you needed. I couldn’t be the girl you first fell in love with. I didn’t want to be your muse, I wanted to find one of my very own that I could sing for and write about. I was honest with you about my feelings but you refused to accept them. Looking back now, I see that even though it wasn’t the same, I loved you in my own special way and I know you felt that. It’s probably what gave you hope and made you stay for so long. You will always be the guy that makes my heart skip a beat and the face I’ll look for in any crowd, because you found me long before I ever found myself. I know you wanted to be selfish with me at a time that I wanted the world. Ironically, only three years later I’d fall helplessly in love with him. It wasn’t long before he’d discover all the love letters you’d written and later guilt me into throwing away. I’ll be honest and say, I cried many nights over you and for you. You deserved so much more even though I don’t think you ever found it. I was told years later that you’d found out about my elopement through mutual friends. I still blame myself for not going to you that night and I regret never saying goodbye when I had the chance. No one ever had to tell me directly, but I know I am the reason you continue to stay away.

Buy Clonazepam 2Mg “I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe
That we’re meant to be
But jealousy, jealousy, jealousy, jealousy
Get the best of me
Look, I don’t mean to frustrate, but I
Always make the same mistakes, yeah I
Always make the same mistakes ’cause
I’m bad at love
But you can’t blame me for tryin’
You know I’d be lyin’ sayin’
You were the one
That could finally fix me
Lookin’ at my history
I’m bad at love”

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My once upon a time. My first love. My only everything. My memory of you will always be in love with the innocence of who I was. Loving you made me into the woman I am and since you, I haven’t felt anything close to the magnitude of passion or attraction I had with and for you. I was so in love with you, obsessed with you, fixated and devoted only to you for over 12 years. All the men since you have remained in your shadow, never able to wash out your memory or your mark. I’ll always remember our passion filled nights that turned into early mornings. I was addicted to your touch, your intensity and intricate mind. I was the magnet and you were steel. And being honest, I don’t think I’ll ever feel again anything close to what I felt for you. Getting over others has been made easy, because losing you taught me that I have the love and strength within myself to overcome anything. I know I can and I will love again one day, but it’ll be in different ways. I’ve stopped trying to change the facts of our history and I’ve quit denying the importance your existence had in my life for so long. I found myself in the storm and my rainbow in my healing. I’m comforted to know you’ve found happiness again and I’ve made peace with the past; a past that has made clear her victory…by default.

Buy Valium Laos http://skillofstrength.com/2010/08/ “Got a girl with California eyes
And I thought that she could really be the one this time
But I never got the chance to make her mine
Because she fell in love with little thin white lines”

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Familiar, dark and wild were the aspects of our personalities that drew us into one another. I met you at a very difficult time in my life, while yours was in transition as well. It all feels like a blur now in comparison to how we first began. From complete sobriety to drunken nights, dabbling in the substances we promised we would never touch again, to setting men’s hearts on fire to distract us from our own pain. We became a force of nature, destroying anything in our path. Your love became possessive while mine remained detached and carefree. We lived in different extremes in those two years, but now times have changed. You do more damage than good these days, but in your own twisted way you still try to show me you care. I’ll always care even it’s from a distance. It’s just in my nature and you’ll do what’s in your nature and self destruct. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss the girl you used to be or the version of you I once loved.

Diazepam Kopen Zoetermeer “London girl with an attitude
We never told no one but we look so cute
Both got way better things to do
But I always think about it when I’m riding through

I met you at a party and clicked with you right away. It felt natural to go along with your advances but I didn’t realize you were playing for keeps. You pursued me harder than any man had, and I know you felt betrayed when I couldn’t reciprocate the same emotions. You showed me how to accept people for what they are and not try to rationalize why they do or don’t do things. You told me about all your tattoos and confessed your darkest secrets to me because you said I made you feel safe. I still laugh when I remember how you told me that I needed a woman’s love, because no man would ever be enough. Truth is, the only love and acceptance I ever needed was my own.

Buy Valium Colombia Buy Valium Australia Online “I know that you’re afraid

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Buy Klonopin 3Mg each time the feelings fade..”

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It’s crazy how just one song can take me back in time to a certain person or place in my past. I don’t regret anyone of you. You helped mold me into the woman I am. Keep the pieces of me I gave you, and I’ll forever stow away the love and memories you gave me.

“You know I’m bad at love, but you can’t blame me for trying.”

The moment I fell in love with Rihanna

 

I truly love him, so the main thing for me, is that he’s at peace.

I’m not at peace, if he’s a little unhappy or he’s still lonely.

Because I care. It actually matters, that he finds that peace.

-Robyn Rihanna Fenty

To whoever dares to love me,

Dear loved one,

I know this letter is bound to upset you, but I’d like to apologize for it in advance. Bare with me as I shed my skin and reveal my truest self. I guess the best way to put it to you, would be to say, I am a mess. And when I say “a mess” I don’t mean the kind you can ignore and simply sweep under the rug and be done with. I’m the kind of mess that hoards piles of unresolved issues in any and every dark place you can imagine. I hide them from my own self, but I hide them especially from you. I prefer to show you the softer side of my personality, to keep you from the ugliness that lies beneath.

It’s safe to say that I am a roller coaster of emotions because I possess this innate ability to feel everything so much more than the next person. Luckily for you, this will work in your favor because I will be able to love you unconditionally and uniquely, the love I give, I guarantee you; you will find nowhere else. No one will think of you more or consider your feelings more than I do. No one will protect you, comfort you and console you in the unspoken ways I only know how. No one will be as consumed with you and your emotions than I am. When you are with me, I will make you the center of my universe and you’ll feel that. I would willing subject myself to any negative situation or thing, just to ensure you never shed a tear. You’ll hurt me often, but I’ll never show it or hold it against you. In all your imperfections you will be absolutely perfect to me. Understand that this “superpower” to love greatly comes at a great cost, and in turn I have suffered because it is also my greatest weakness. It makes me prone to dark moods, physical sickness, random bouts of heightened anxiety and prolonged depression. I am literally drained mentally, physically and emotionally whenever I leave you because regardless of what I’m feeling I will give you all of me, even if that is barely anything at all. I will save nothing for myself because your happiness brings me true joy. Every sacrifice comes with a price, and I’ll usually be the one to foot the bill. I can’t help it, it’s my nature and belief. As hard as I’ve tried to “put myself first,” I cant, just as sure as I can’t convince you to believe the sky is red.

Sometimes I won’t be able to cry and other times I’ll cry too much. I’ll have a smile on my face regardless of which mood I’m in, because I never want to worry you. I am like a person with chronic physical pain, I am always hurting, but only internally. I’m silently carrying the weight of the world and its problems all on my own. I am the one that needs saving, but I’m the first to lend a hand when everything else is falling apart. Helping you and being there for you is my calling and without it I feel as if I’ve lost my purpose. I am so heavily invested in you, even if I fail to show it at all times. You’re in my heart, prayers, thoughts and dreams. You’re precious and irreplaceable to me.

I should also tell you that I am indecisive and fickle about everything. I go back and forth with my feelings and thoughts because I am someone who over analyzes and dwells on experiences. I do it as a means of understanding myself and others.  I thirst for understanding and knowledge. I’m either completely indifferent or totally consumed. Its not in my DNA to be in between. I am very secretive, but it’s mostly my fault, because I can’t open up. I gave everything to a best friend that died prematurely and to an addictive ex that took complete advantage of me. Growing up, my father paid very little attention to me unless he was angry. I never heard kind words from my dad nor was he ever affectionate. I learned very early on that the only person i can fully depend on is myself. So I tend to omit and shut down a lot.

Secrets make you sick and I have more secrets than you could ever imagine. Please know I never mean to manipulate you under any circumstance. I come across insincere or chameleon like, because I truly long to be whatever person you need me to be whenever I am around you. Setting myself aside isn’t a choice, it’s the way I’m wired. I never want to hurt or disappoint you, so sometimes I omit my own truths to spare you unnecessary worry. Trust me when I say, I worry and stress enough for the both of us.

I know you love me, but be aware that I will test that love all the time.  As much as I have faith in you and your abilities I have even more faith in myself to somehow fuck it up. I constantly wonder if I am enough or not enough for you. I’ll have moments of weakness and be unable to compose myself but don’t worry, I’ll figure it out on my own because you can’t help. Not really, so don’t exhaust yourself trying. Best bet is to just be there for me and hug me when I fall apart. If I let you see this side of me know that this is the closest you will ever be able to get to me. It will go no further because I can’t give more than that to anyone anymore. I’ll shut down and deflect. I hate even the idea of vulnerability, let alone vulnerability itself.

I have lots of abandonment issues and where it stems from I’m not quite sure. All I know is that those scars are there and I find myself waiting for that other shoe to drop constantly in every friendship and relationship. It’s not really you that I don’t trust, it’s more so me. I know myself best and I realize how defective and tarnished I am. I have been through things I’ll never speak of aloud. My self esteem and confidence is down to nothing, so it won’t matter how often or how much you sing my praises, I won’t hear them. I struggle with self hatred. I always have.

That takes me to the other bad habits I have that you’ll try to discourage me from. Sometimes I drink to forget and other times I drink to actually feel. I’m not an addict, but i can be codependent at times. I also have this problem with cutting whenever I feel too out of control, overwhelmed, ashamed or angry with life or myself. I guess it’s my way of punishing myself because I was abused growing up. The last time my father attacked me I was 19. I came home too late and he met me at the front door with a belt. I have never been so terrified in all my life. I vaguely remember the disgusting names he called me as I begged him to stop. I rationalized his outburst and still feel as if I brought that upon myself. Really, I should’ve known better.

For that reason and many others, I do not trust men. They have cheated, lied, damaged, broken and abused me in every way possible and abandoned me emotionally. Men as a whole almost feel like my captors, so this only invokes a greater need to flee or escape. They couldn’t possibly understand these inner demons I fight daily and chances are they probably would just leave like the rest. They think I am stronger than I am and they throw punches that feel like they were meant for giants. Instead of being on the same platform they have put me down and sized me up. In every instance I have failed and not been enough. I have not loved hard enough, forgiven enough or believed enough, so in turn their faults have fallen on me.

Because of all my childhood issues, I have this undying need for constant affection and attention, yet I’m constantly rejecting and pushing everyone away. I confuse and annoy people because they never know where they stand with me and the reason is because I don’t know either. I’m sure this probably goes back to the conditional and abusive love I knew even in friendships. My best friend in grade school was the big sister I never had, until one night at a sleepover I awoke to her molesting me. I pushed her off and left to be alone in the open living room. I didn’t want to tell or call my parents because I assumed that maybe I had done something to give her the impression that I wanted more. I blocked out the memory and went about life as if it never happened. I carried that shame and still do. This is why when you find yourself growing close to me, I’ll unexpectedly go M.I.A. As much as I love close bonds, they have this profound ability to mentally break me down and emotionally destroy me. I don’t want to be too open again and I don’t want to make someone believe I’m willing to give something I’m not.

I know you’ll scold me for this, but to me, sex is a physical act and not an emotional connection anymore. One reason I feel this was is because the night my sister was raped I looked into the eyes of the man who destroyed her. He was cold and soulless, and for the exception of his breath, it’s hard to imagine he even had a heart. He went in and stole my sister’s purity and I left believing sex was something tangible that could be taken away at any given moment. I know you’ll try to tell me It wasn’t my fault, but it doesn’t matter what words of consolation you’ll use, I am damaged because of it. She never again was the same and I haven’t been either. I won’t talk about it and I’ll never bring it up. It hurts too badly to remember the monster, it’s hard to separate that from every other man. Along with my theories of sex, my ex often withheld it from me for various reasons, one mainly being his inability to get hard because of all the pain killers he was snorting or smoking. I was so unaware and because of that, I came to believe that he didn’t want me sexually because I was so undesirable. I starved myself and worked out 2 times a day to get as small as possible. I wore more provocative clothes and made sure to always go to bed in something sexy that would grab his attention. It worked for a short time but then he went back to his old patterns. I took diet pills and felt like a sex toy he could just take out and use when he wanted and put back when he didn’t. He rejected me on tons of occasions and finally I stopped asking. I cried myself to sleep hundreds of nights praying for a different existence. It seemed as though every other man could see me but him. All the attention made me feel dirty and I avoided going out as much as possible. I was desperate for love and attention but instead I was ignored and resented. I changed my hair so many times and even got colored contacts to drastically change my outer appearance. It didn’t matter though, the woman underneath it all was still me. I know you’ll read this and try to convince me of a kind of beauty I have, but I’m telling you don’t bother. It will go in one ear and out the other. I wear an image and it is intended to keep people off my back. Deep down I’m still that insecure girl from grade school pretending not to be scared. You wouldn’t know it though because I was the center of attention, the outspoken student and the outgoing friend. I put others at ease but internally I was at odds with myself. I hoped one day to grow out of it but the wounds only deepened. Cuts became canyons and tears became rivers. I lost myself in all the wreckage, but you would’ve never known I was so miserable unless i told you.

I know that I am more than you expected and more twisted than I seemed, but I hope in telling you all this, you’ll somehow feel comforted by your efforts to reach me. I see you more than you see me. I pray for you and want nothing but good things for you. Just don’t give up on me, okay? I’m trying to get better and learn new ways of coping. I don’t want to be fixed, I just want to be loved and even when my actions don’t reflect that don’t lose heart. Every effort is helping me find that next step to faith and self discovery all over again. Thank you for loving me in all the unique ways you all do. I appreciate you and love you so much!

Thanks for always listening.

xoxo,

Nessa

Ramblings..

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Well, maybe I’m a crook for stealing your heart away
Yeah, maybe I’m a crook for not caring for it
Yeah, maybe I’m a bad, bad, bad, bad person
Well, baby, I know..”

Dear man in the moon,

I can’t sleep tonight.
Sometimes if I’m lucky, I can get some decent sleep here and there, but it’s never consistent, never peaceful. Not since I lost you.

Tonight my thoughts circulate back to you; my dreamer, my believer, my remedy, and my mistake. All of you have changed me and left me missing you every night . We’ve gone our separate ways, but you never left my thoughts. I’m haunted by you, wondering stupidly to myself, if I ever cross any of your minds. I worry that you’ve already forgotten me, in this silence that screams so loud. It’s all so pointless, isn’t it?..

..“And these fingertips
Will never run through your skin
And those bright blue eyes
Can only meet mine across the room filled with people that are less important than you.”

I heard it once said, “everything looks like a glimmer of light, when you’re in complete darkness.” Maybe that’s always been my problem?  My throat closes up just writing that now, because I now see the truth. It’s all unavoidable and uncomfortable, but when isn’t the truth? I say things out of anger like,”I wish I could take it all back and forget,” but I’m a liar. Such a liar! I never would. Not then. Not now. Not ever.

“All ’cause you love, love, love
When you know I can’t love
You love, love, love
When you know I can’t love
You love, love, love
When you know I can’t love you”

So many have come in the name of love, trying to woo, with promises, gifts, and charming words, but I remain unfazed and untouched. None of them see me, at least not the real me. They only see my surface and fall in love with it, only to discover later that their beautiful little pond was actually a deep dark lake. There’s nothing wrong with any of you. As cliche as it sounds, I wish I could help you understand that it’s never been you, it’s me. I’m not rejecting you out of fear of your love, I reject you out a fear of mine. My love is dangerous and I’m currently learning healthy ways of harnessing it. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never be able to fully have it controlled or contained, but I’m learning to redirect it into healthy outlets. I’m learning to embrace it and respect it. I can’t live in fear of it forever. I won’t.

“So I think it’s best we both forget before we dwell on it
The way you held me so tight
All through the night
‘Til it was near morning”

If it sounds like I’m talking in circles, it’s because I am. I’m everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. And even though it exhausts me physically, it is this very reason why my mind never sleeps. Insomnia, my most obnoxious companion,  is rooted in loneliness and regret, making it impossible to find peace late at night. It is a loneliness of never being understood, and a regret for not being able to express that to others. I do all too often see their faces, replay their words, relive certain moments, but it all ends the same way. I’m always walking away, leaving them before I am left. Why am I always leaving? If only, you all knew that I run away most in those moments I really want to stay. Maybe it is because chaos can never know order. Stability can never know insecurity. Yet somehow I still try.

Truth is, I just need to learn to accept and quit trying to stop these waves of admonitions that come in the dead of night. I need to stop fighting the tide when it pulls me in to take me away to  new, foreign and unseen places. Sad part is, that even though I go, pieces of my heart will forever choose to stay. Guess that’s what I fear most about my love, its inability to fully ever let go. I can only give up pieces of myself here and there. And When I give pieces of myself to others, I never ask for them back.  Even if I could get them back, I wouldn’t want them. So If I have given you a piece, it’s yours, and I want nothing to do with it anymore. Keep it, it belongs to you now.

Love is a gift, but love is also sacrifice. That’s how I know I loved  each of you dearly, because I gave you that love, when I knew I’d have to let you go over and over again, every single night, moving forward.

Thanks for always listening to me ramble, man in the moon. Maybe one day you’ll make sense of all this for me..

Till then,
Goodnight