watch I think of you often. I wonder how you’ve been since we’ve gone our separate ways. I wonder how your family is doing and how much all the lil ones have grown. I don’t fixate on any specific memories but they still come to me all the same. I could be at a grocery store and I pass by something you used to like. Or I might be on my way to meet with friends and a song plays and I reminisce on how it felt like to be next to you. I do miss you but I think our season of life has come and gone and I’m being forced to move on. It isn’t just one person or one situation that has made it impossible to maintain a relationship with each other, we just live in two very different worlds. I don’t fit in your life anymore as much as you’ve tried to disprove that, it’s true. I don’t fit in like I used to and I’m not welcome in it. I am not needed or wanted as I once was and I’ve come to terms with that. I mourning this loss just as much as you are. I don’t think the love I have for you will ever go away and I find peace in knowing that. As much as I feel that your actions or lack thereof have stated otherwise, I still know you love me and always will.
I miss the random hangouts and wine nights. I miss the pub and the way you always had to have a straw with everything you ever drank. I can’t look at glitter and not remember your love of flashy jewelry and things. I miss your laughter intertwined with mine and the way you understood my thoughts before I could finish them. I miss your sense of humor and how we both found the same stupid things hilarious. I miss finding random blonde hairs in my things because I was with you. I miss the way you made me feel safe and not alone. I miss the trust I built with you. I miss our nail dates and drunk conversations. I miss pulling up to your house and feeling so at home. I miss shopping for clothes and make up with you because we shared the same taste in almost everything. I miss spontaneous adventures and your tender hugs. I miss your voicemail’s and our daily text messages. I miss going to Nando’s and being able to try new places with you. I miss your words of wisdom and your positive attitude. I miss making memories with you and telling you my secrets. There’s so much you’ve missed and don’t know. I’m sure it’s the same way with me. I miss laying around on our phones together and feeling comfortable in the silence. I miss being there for you in moments you tried to do it all on your own. I miss being your “go to” friend for the heavy issues and difficult times. I miss being able to go to you with the same. I miss hearing you sing along to the radio and messages where we would send each other songs. I miss making plans with you and watching you go through different seasons of your life. I miss listening to you and your hubby arguing then seeing you make up later. I miss the security of our friendship and the stability of your faith in me. I miss so much of what has come and gone and I know there is so much more I’m going to miss in the future because I won’t be there. At least not in the same capacity I once was. I hope your memories and heart take me with you as you make new friends and expand your family. I hope you don’t feel hurt every time you hear my name or regret when someone asks you about me. I hope you will think of me fondly and know that I always loved you with genuine and open heart. I never mistreated or used you for any reason or had any ulterior motives, regardless of what nay Sayers may believe. All I did, I did for you and our friendship. All my gestures, words, affection, thoughts and feelings were truly sincere. I don’t regret anything that has happened because I learned and grew with the gain and loss of your friendship. You taught me how to be strong without needing anyone else and you were my confidence when I had none. You did what you believed was best for you and I did the same for me.
But it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t hard on either of us. I’m sure there is much you miss and wonder at times about me. Just know I’m still not entirely okay but I’m working on getting there. I haven’t lost hope in friendship or love. I’m embracing this whole “self love” thing everyone has always been trying to shove down my throat. It’s got me thinking and overthinking about a lot most nights. I guess that’s where this post is coming from. You’ve been on my heart and it hurts. I want to call you. I want to see you. I want to run to your door and find things the way they once were but I know it can’t be. I still cry for you and over you. I believe the pain of your loss only makes my love for you that much more real. You were different. Our friendship was different. And i accept that our lives are different now too. It might look like I’ve let you go but it’s not the truth. I’m still struggling to let you go, piece by piece, a little more each day. Praying for your safety and happiness. I want nothing but good things for you and your family. And when the time comes, I know you’ll be a great mother one day, just as your mother is to you.
I’m loving you from a distance now hoping that someday when I am fully whole, we will find our way back to one another. And should that never be the end result, I hope you know I don’t hold anger or hurt towards you. I think in a different world, under different circumstances, things would have worked out in our favor. Who knows, maybe that different place exists somewhere in our futures? Bottom line is I love you. I miss you. I appreciate all you did for me and all the times you held me as I cried. It took a special person to do all you did and I thank God for sending me wings, when I’d forgotten how to use mine.
I’m a world of chaos, a moody mess, a restless heart with a gypsy soul. I’m a social chameleon, but not in the manipulative sense most people associate that term with. I was just born with this intuitive gift to see the emotional needs in others and an innate nature to want to meet those needs. I know how to love others in the language they feel it best. Some need words of affirmation, some affection from physical touch, others gifts or quality time. Every single relationship I have had, have or will have, are all uniquely different. I’ve never loved any two people the same and yet none can say they’ve known me completely. I don’t believe anyone ever can really know someone entirely, but sometimes you can get really close. This is where my “chameleon like” nature has come in. In meeting whatever that need or desire is for each individual, I find that I am often completely disregarding my own emotions. Its true, I do tend to fall into whoever I am with at any given moment. It’s not that I am being fake. I’m trying to love you the best way I know how, with the parts of me that best accommodate you.
I feel sadness most of the time but I laugh a lot. People find me confident, when in reality I’m super insecure. I’m dubbed the “social butterfly” or “life of the party” but being honest I’d much rather be alone left to my own thoughts. I like being with people, especially those I love and adore but being honest, I have to admit it’s rather draining. I feel like I have to be “on” most of the time while in the company of others. It’s something I’ve struggled with and done for years. It’s exhausted me mentally, emotionally and physically. I can’t keep up the facade I’ve had most of my life anymore. My cracks have now been shown and unwanted breakdowns have ensued. I hate that I cant hide or control it. I feel violated and exposed. It’s painful and I hate being an overly sensitive being, in a super insensitive world. I tear up easily, but rarely can I ever truly cry. I feel emotionally paralyzed and am only left to wonder at what point I’ll finally break. For when the tears finally begin to flow I cannot stop them. I don’t cry, I weep and it seeps out of every muscle, organ, and pore in my body. My spirit breaks and my soul is released during those moments of grief and mourning. I am out of my body yet bound by the pain of it. It is a small death I experience. I loathe it so much but it is the exact release I know I currently need. It is the relief I feel my being is waiting for and being drawn to. It’ll only take some moment of weakness, it might be a song, a situation, or a run in with a familiar stranger. It might be the news of a death or the birth of a new life. I don’t know what it’s going to take but I intend to find it instead of running from it like i normally do. I want to embrace new happiness and I know it will only come with the release of past pain. I will have to face what I fear most, the one thing I’ve avoided most of my life in sharing and that is my vulnerability..
It’s different this time. I’m not giving into the former feelings I usually did before. I’ve cut ties and come out of my denial. I’m seeing the reality of people’s actions instead of the “potential good” someone may have. I’m “seeing things as they are, not as I would have them.” It is painful for a “people pleaser” like myself to do, but I’m doing it, putting one foot in front of the other, determined to heal this wound in its entirety. I’m cleaning out all of the skeletons in my closet and as painful as it is, I can see how it is slowly but surely changing me. I’m going through my valley, my fire, my metamorphis, knowing I’m going to come out a new woman. At heart I will always be that nomadic, restless gypsy filled with wanderlust in her eyes. But maybe in my rediscovery of self, I just might find a reason to finally want to stay.