An open letter

Buy Soma And Norco To the only man I’ve ever been in love with,

I have so many thoughts I need to express and feelings I have to get off my chest. First off, it’s important you know I don’t have any ill will or hatred towards you. The hurt is being addressed and I’m facing those unresolved issues on my own. Each day I am making more peace with the past. I don’t feel that restless anger like before. In fact, my issues with you and moving on have been because of my unwillingness to acknowledge the reason I actually suffer. Ironically, it is because I still love you, very much in fact. Not in the same capacity as before but I’ve seen how my love for you has evolved over the years and changed into the mature love that it is today. I want nothing but the best for you, James. You once told me something that profoundly resonated with me. You said, “I want you to be happy, babe. Even if that happiness may not include me anymore.” It hurt so much in that moment to hear those words. It sliced me right to the core, leaving me to feel a sort of inevitability in those words. I eventually decided that I needed you to go. I would have to love you for the rest of my life from a distance. It was a truth i never wanted to accept but in order for me to be with you, I had to deny myself so many aspirations and dreams. I’d concluded that dreams change sometimes and mine unexpectedly had. Before I knew it, the only dream I truly cared about fulfilling anymore was you. In the beginning I resented you so much. The anger entirely eclipsed any sign of love I once felt. In many ways that anger left me completely numb to the pain I was feeling at the time. All I knew was that I wanted to hurt you and make you pay for all the hell you repeatedly put me thru. There are so many horrific memories that haunt me in my sleep at night. A random thought can trigger a memory I’d thought I’d long forgotten. Your addictive personality and deception was what eventually killed the love I had for you. I felt as if you ruined everything and I was determined to make you feel all the horrible emotions you made me feel all throughout the 10 years we were together. I wanted to force you to regret ever doing me wrong and in time, it eventually worked.

I began by ignoring you everyday. I found attention from other men and made new friends that didn’t have any ties to you. I cut off all your family and severed all ties I had with you physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. The only exception I made was to discuss the well being of our children and even in those cases I remained ruthless. I never gave you more than the necessary communication and I constantly withheld any sadness or remorse I may have felt from losing you. In those months that you were still trying to win me back, I came to discover that I was unable to cry anymore. I figured it was because I’d already cried oceans of tears over you and eventually had no more to shed. I no longer had the energy to expend, no more compassion to give, no more affection to show. I was lifeless, lost and purposeless without you or our love.

I can recall watching you as you sobbed in front of me in utter confusion. Somehow I’d become like a stranger to you, a stranger that no longer welcomed you in her bed. You’d asked me to hold you but my arms never could reach the places in your heart you needed touched most. There were many occasions that I looked you straight in the face, repeatedly renouncing my once strong hope in you and in us. You cried and begged, we yelled and screamed, until eventually I forced you out the door. You reluctantly left and told me on countless occasions that this wasn’t what you wanted. You didn’t want the divorce and you fought tirelessly to change my mind. Problem wasn’t in my mind though. I’d finally had a change of heart. I’d had enough of the arguing, lies and constant struggle. I hated that I couldn’t trust you even in the most innocent of things. You’d broken trust so many times that I’d lost count and this final stint with rehab brought my once believed perfect world to a tragic end. I pushed. You pulled, but eventually you gave into my wishes. I told you if you loved me you’d have to let me go and you did. You got your own place and within 2 weeks already had someone around to fill the void I’d left in your life. Meanwhile, I stayed single and remained in the very same shithole you left us in. I dragged every morning to wake up. Each sunrise brought on only more battles of emptiness and depression. By staying in that house I felt trapped by evil memories of us. It had an eerie morbid feeling. That house on Hartford was more like a mortuary of death than a home of warmth and laughter. Even though I was adamant about changing everything in the home, your spirit continually lingered in the hallways, demanding to be acknowledged and heard.

Buy Soma Drugs Online I remember drinking myself into a stupor many nights and weeping all alone on the kitchen floor. I had lost my passion for life and purpose. I only knew how to be a half and with you gone I didn’t know how to even begin to be whole. We both went from having a whole family one day, to becoming single people overnight. Every other weekend the kids would be with you and I’d be left to fight my demons all by myself. In those early days my anxiety gave birth to my new merciless companion that the doctors referred to as “insomnia.” The nights during that period of my life were the hardest and most destructive for me. I cut myself, I cursed your existence, I never slept at night, I drank a lot and ran the laundry list of “what ifs” in my head. I had on many occasions attempted to try and drink the pain away but each morning I’d find my struggles right back where I’d left them. And so the vicious cycle began. I was like I had an ongoing revolving door of broken men that paraded in and out of my life after you. None of them I ever “claimed” or loved. Truth is, I often used them as distractions to avoid my pain. Like the alcohol and pills, they were only temporary fillers for me that came and went. In my mind I’d resolved that it was easier to place all my focus on them and in turn throw all the blame onto you. I had absolved myself of any sins or wrongdoing on my part and concluded that you were the reason I’d never know happiness again. After all, you were the one who broke me. You were the monster that terrorized me, so it was only fair to blame you for being the one who destroyed me. You “victimized” me but reality proved that I chose to remain a victim. I felt comfortable in my uncomfortablness and I learned that you can also form addictions to people and states of emotions. I was consumed with thoughts of only you and overtime I no longer could recognize my own face. I felt stuck by my love for you yet I hated the outcome of all your selfish actions. You abused me and I called it “love.” You lied and I called it “trust” You cheated yet I called you “loyal.” You were the very best part of my life and yet you were the very worst part of it too. And for a very long time i believed that my entire self worth was based on who YOU believed me or saw me to be. I placed you on a pedestal, put God on the backburner and myself as the doormat you stepped on everyday. It was a very unhealthy and abusive situation but being honest, I have to say our entire relationship was not only this ugliness.

Buy Klonopin 4Mg In fact, we shared countless moments together that are worth mentioning. There were many trying moments that made us stronger as a couple and made us better as people. We saved each other and loved one another in ways no one else could. Not many will ever understand the dynamic you and I shared. And I’ve learned that they dont have to. No one knows all the countless kisses and embraces we shared that went unnoticed. All the profound conversations we had behind closed doors. The random things you’d make or buy me just to say “i love you.” I miss the movie nights and waking up to beautiful music while you cooked the kids and I a big breakfast. I know we shared a lifetime’s worth of laughter. Even to this day, certain memories still make me pause whatever action or thought I’m doing and make me smile. It was wrong of me to deny you this acknowledgment while I was hurting. It just hurts to remember, but even harder to forget. You were undeniably the source of my happiness for a very long time. You were my first boyfriend, first kiss, first lover and the father of my children. Every season of life has a memory all it’s own and every memory carries an emotion, be it good or bad. November 21st, which was our wedding anniversary, will always be a special memory of a decision we made to change our lives for the better. It’s no longer the anniversary of what is, but much rather of what was. Our young love was so magical and magnetic and will continue to live on in the sweet remnants of our past. As life goes on, so does the ever present cycle of holidays that trigger bittersweet recollections of the past. Christmas music sparks a sting of hurt because I force myself to keep up tradition and try to “cheerfully” decorate the tree. I’ll oftentimes get flashbacks of you lifting up one of our precious baby’s to place the angel at the top of our tree. Family dinners invariably leave traces of your absence because of the empty place that remains next to me. I haven’t had a New years kiss since you’ve been gone. Truth is I haven’t really wanted one anyway. February brings Valentine’s day which reminds me of the many poems and cards you’d leave me to remind me of how loved i was by you. You wrote me so many beautiful words that have stayed with me even to this day. Easter egg hunts and painting eggs are gatherings i miss having you by my side. July 7th is Our baby girl’s birthday and before our son in late August of 04. It’s impossible not to remember you on their special days because it was you and I that created them and it was you and I that welcomed them into the world together. My October birthday blends into celebrations of harvest and Halloween. I miss trick or treating with you and the kids, picking out costumes and taking pictures. There is so much I’ve left behind and so much ahead of us that I will as well. It’s overwhelmingly painful at times to remember but I never want to forget who and what you were to me.

You called me your “angel that saved you” and you were my “bad boy” that changed his ways. You called me “empress” because you said I was the most beautiful woman you’d ever seen and had the class of someone who could be royalty. You said I was perfect the way I was and that you’d always love me in spite of any physical, mental or emotional changes I may or may not have gone through. You told me I was smart and could have the dreams of my heart fulfilled. You said I was a good mom and that I was the most selfless person you ever knew. You loved me most in my most natural state and reminded me everyday that I didn’t even have to try because I already was everything. You called me things like your “happiness” your “world” and “the love of your life” You never loved anyone more than me or like me ever before or ever would again. I can still remember the consversation we had in bed when we were just laying in each other’s arms and I asked you how you knew the love you had for me was “different?” I loved the anaology you gave and how it really resonated with me on a level I could completley comprehend. You said that the women who came before me were like falling in love with a new song and being completely enthralled by it, playing it over and over, day in and out. He said the infatuation could only go so far until it eventually just faded out and then a new favorite song would take its place. He said I was nothing like that song. I was not a fleeting thought, person or emotion. I was unique, special and intricate. You loved how transparent I was and yet still a mystery to you after all these years. It rattled you how well you could read me and later would frustrate you because you felt as though you could never do right by me. You constantly felt like you were not enough but the reality was that it didn’t matter because I picked you and chose to love you. That in itself made you enough but your inner demons of addiction, insecurity and abandoment set in, eventually6 poisoning our entire relationship. WE loved hard and fought harder. We could be super affectionate one moment only to be like 2 strangers the next. We were an intricatly interwoven tapestry of emotions, hurts, weaknesses and strengths. For a while we seemed to manage the current by staying afloat but I was left for many years to keep us alive all alone. I tried desperatley to save you ended up only drowning the both of us. Somewhere in the sea of love I lost you and in doing so I lost a great part of myself too. “It wasn’t all bad.” You weren’t all bad. We weren’t all bad. I can heal from the hurt while acknowledging the worst. Some memories will be left as our secrets forever and certain feelings will never be spoken of again. Truth is that I do miss all the things that you meant to me for so long. I miss the old you that burns bright in the dark corners of my mind. I miss the boy I once feel in love with under that summer moon when I was only 17. I miss those hazel eyes that saw through my motions and found the pure and goodness in mine. You showed me generosity, thoughtfulness, kindness, and love the best way you knew how. I appreciate you for that. Deep down I know you are a man with a good heart, just misguided in your intentions at times. I want to believe you aren’t who your actions have proved you to be and I hope that life’s challenges have brought out the better parts of you that you’d forgotten. I’m happy you have found happiness in the arms of another woman who can love you in the ways I couldn’t. I did my very best to meet every single want and need you ever had but being that girl meant I couldn’t really be the real me. I’m sorry if inadvertendly I decieived or hurt you by trying to be your ideal perfect woman. God knows I tried my hardest to make us work but sometimes love means knowing when to let go. A lot of times I think I mostly left you because of my own feelings of pain but I also see that sometimes i realize I also left you because I wanted you to be free of your own sadness as well. Love is sacrafice and giving you up was my final act of love on my part. I knew you’d nenver leave my side so I made the decsion neither of us wanted to make and cut the cord that kept you and I together. I don’t regret a second of happiness or sadness spent with you. Although I don’t love you in the same way I once did, doesn’t mean I won’t ‘love you until my last breath, past death.” We made two perfect kids together and I believe they are the very best of you and I. I’m not ignoring this pain I feel over your loss anymore but I also won’t allow i to consume my everyday either. I’m letting you go every night and forgiving you all over again every morning. Healing from our end is going to take time and work but I know that it is shaping me into the woman I’ve always wanted to be. I hope it is helping you find the happiness you sought in me but never found. I can listen to the song I sang to you on our wedding day now without shedding a single tear. I can go to our old places and not feel the same ache of emptiness every time someone asks about how you are or where you’ve been. I can say your name without feeling the sting in my heart and look you in the eyes without feeling the pounding in my chest. You’re memory is strong but your prsence in my future is fading daily. I’m dreaming new dreams now and opening myself up to new endeavors, people and experiences. I still find myself looking up at night sky remembering how I’d sing to you how you were “the little boy made for me in the stars”. My Poochie bear, my best friend, my first lover, my once husband and understanding ear, Ill cherish rhe time we had. I make a vow to look to the past fondly and remember the beautiful life we made together and separate the ugliness, malice and pain. I’m letting you go.

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I think of you often. I wonder how you’ve been since we’ve gone our separate ways. I wonder how your family is doing and how much all the lil ones have grown. I don’t fixate on any specific memories but they still come to me all the same. I could be at a grocery store and I pass by something you used to like. Or I might be on my way to meet with friends and a song plays and I reminisce on how it felt like to be next to you. I do miss you but I think our season of life has come and gone and I’m being forced to move on. It isn’t just one person or one situation that has made it impossible to maintain a relationship with each other, we just live in two very different worlds. I don’t fit in your life anymore as much as you’ve tried to disprove that, it’s true. I don’t fit in like I used to and I’m not welcome in it. I am not needed or wanted as I once was and I’ve come to terms with that. I mourning this loss just as much as you are. I don’t think the love I have for you will ever go away and I find peace in knowing that. As much as I feel that your actions or lack thereof have stated otherwise, I still know you love me and always will.

I miss the random hangouts and wine nights. I miss the pub and the way you always had to have a straw with everything you ever drank. I can’t look at glitter and not remember your love of flashy jewelry and things. I miss your laughter intertwined with mine and the way you understood my thoughts before I could finish them. I miss your sense of humor and how we both found the same stupid things hilarious. I miss finding random blonde hairs in my things because I was with you. I miss the way you made me feel safe and not alone. I miss the trust I built with you. I miss our nail dates and drunk conversations. I miss pulling up to your house and feeling so at home. I miss shopping for clothes and make up with you because we shared the same taste in almost everything. I miss spontaneous adventures and your tender hugs. I miss your voicemail’s and our daily text messages. I miss going to Nando’s and being able to try new places with you. I miss your words of wisdom and your positive attitude. I miss making memories with you and telling you my secrets. There’s so much you’ve missed and don’t know. I’m sure it’s the same way with me. I miss laying around on our phones together and feeling comfortable in the silence. I miss being there for you in moments you tried to do it all on your own. I miss being your “go to” friend for the heavy issues and difficult times. I miss being able to go to you with the same. I miss hearing you sing along to the radio and messages where we would send each other songs. I miss making plans with you and watching you go through different seasons of your life. I miss listening to you and your hubby arguing then seeing you make up later. I miss the security of our friendship and the stability of your faith in me. I miss so much of what has come and gone and I know there is so much more I’m going to miss in the future because I won’t be there. At least not in the same capacity I once was. I hope your memories and heart take me with you as you make new friends and expand your family. I hope you don’t feel hurt every time you hear my name or regret when someone asks you about me. I hope you will think of me fondly and know that I always loved you with genuine and open heart. I never mistreated or used you for any reason or had any ulterior motives, regardless of what nay Sayers may believe. All I did, I did for you and our friendship. All my gestures, words, affection, thoughts and feelings were truly sincere. I don’t regret anything that has happened because I learned and grew with the gain and loss of your friendship. You taught me how to be strong without needing anyone else and you were my confidence when I had none. You did what you believed was best for you and I did the same for me.
But it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t hard on either of us. I’m sure there is much you miss and wonder at times about me. Just know I’m still not entirely okay but I’m working on getting there. I haven’t lost hope in friendship or love. I’m embracing this whole “self love” thing everyone has always been trying to shove down my throat. It’s got me thinking and overthinking about a lot most nights. I guess that’s where this post is coming from. You’ve been on my heart and it hurts. I want to call you. I want to see you. I want to run to your door and find things the way they once were but I know it can’t be. I still cry for you and over you. I believe the pain of your loss only makes my love for you that much more real. You were different. Our friendship was different. And i accept that our lives are different now too. It might look like I’ve let you go but it’s not the truth. I’m still struggling to let you go, piece by piece, a little more each day. Praying for your safety and happiness. I want nothing but good things for you and your family. And when the time comes, I know you’ll be a great mother one day, just as your mother is to you.

Buy Real Klonopin Online I’m loving you from a distance now hoping that someday when I am fully whole, we will find our way back to one another. And should that never be the end result, I hope you know I don’t hold anger or hurt towards you. I think in a different world, under different circumstances, things would have worked out in our favor. Who knows, maybe that different place exists somewhere in our futures? Bottom line is I love you. I miss you. I appreciate all you did for me and all the times you held me as I cried. It took a special person to do all you did and I thank God for sending me wings, when I’d forgotten how to use mine.

“Lightning strikes…maybe once..maybe twice”

I’m a world of chaos, a moody mess, a restless heart with a gypsy soul. I’m a social chameleon, but not in the manipulative sense most people associate that term with. I was just born with this intuitive gift to see the emotional needs in others and an innate nature to want to meet those needs. I know how to love others in the language they feel it best. Some need words of affirmation, some affection from physical touch, others gifts or quality time. Every single relationship I have had, have or will have, are all uniquely different. I’ve never loved any two people the same and yet none can say they’ve known me completely. I don’t believe anyone ever can really know someone entirely, but sometimes you can get really close. This is where my “chameleon like” nature has come in. In meeting whatever that need or desire is for each individual, I find that I am often completely disregarding my own emotions. Its true, I do tend to fall into whoever I am with at any given moment. It’s not that I am being fake. I’m trying to love you the best way I know how, with the parts of me that best accommodate you.

I feel sadness most of the time but I laugh a lot. People find me confident, when in reality I’m super insecure. I’m dubbed the “social butterfly” or “life of the party” but being honest I’d much rather be alone left to my own thoughts. I like being with people, especially those I love and adore but being honest, I have to admit it’s rather draining. I feel like I have to be “on” most of the time while in the company of others. It’s something I’ve struggled with and done for years. It’s exhausted me mentally, emotionally and physically. I can’t keep up the facade I’ve had most of my life anymore. My cracks have now been shown and unwanted breakdowns have ensued. I hate that I cant hide or control it. I feel violated and exposed. It’s painful and I hate being an overly sensitive being, in a super insensitive world. I tear up easily, but rarely can I ever truly cry. I feel emotionally paralyzed and am only left to wonder at what point I’ll finally break. For when the tears finally begin to flow I cannot stop them. I don’t cry, I weep and it seeps out of every muscle, organ, and pore in my body. My spirit breaks and my soul is released during those moments of grief and mourning. I am out of my body yet bound by the pain of it. It is a small death I experience. I loathe it so much but it is the exact release I know I currently need. It is the relief I feel my being is waiting for and being drawn to. It’ll only take some moment of weakness, it might be a song, a situation, or a run in with a familiar stranger. It might be the news of a death or the birth of a new life. I don’t know what it’s going to take but I intend to find it instead of running from it like i normally do. I want to embrace new happiness and I know it will only come with the release of past pain. I will have to face what I fear most, the one thing I’ve avoided most of my life in sharing and that is my vulnerability..

It’s different this time. I’m not giving into the former feelings I usually did before. I’ve cut ties and come out of my denial. I’m seeing the reality of people’s actions instead of the “potential good” someone may have. I’m “seeing things as they are, not as I would have them.” It is painful for a “people pleaser” like myself to do, but I’m doing it, putting one foot in front of the other, determined to heal this wound in its entirety. I’m cleaning out all of the skeletons in my closet and as painful as it is, I can see how it is slowly but surely changing me. I’m going through my valley, my fire, my metamorphis, knowing I’m going to come out a new woman. At heart I will always be that nomadic, restless gypsy filled with wanderlust in her eyes. But maybe in my rediscovery of self, I just might find a reason to finally want to stay.