The hardest thing I ever had to write: A Eulogy for my Best Friend.

Buy Valium Laos On August 28th 2007, the world lost an amazing soul, and heaven gained a new angel. Below is the eulogy I wrote to honor my late best friend, Michelle Dymalski.
In the days that followed her death, I was privileged enough to share these words at her funeral service.  I can still feel the pain I felt standing in front of that crowd of few hundred people, completely vulnerable and exposed, locked knees and tear filled eyes, determined to share my love for one of the greatest people I’ve ever known. Death may have separated us a decade ago, but the love that binds us has never been severed. Some bonds just can’t be broken.

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http://valliscommodities.com/fr/agriculture/sesame/feed/ It’s hard to sum up Michelle into one letter, to define her with mere words, and express the love I have for her with this small token of affection. It’s hard to explain the friendship we shared that was so utterly unique, special and unlike any friendship I had, or ever will have again.

Buy Ambien Online Next Day Delivery Michelle was my best friend. I met her my junior year of high school in Mr. Herbert’s choir class. There we shared a deep love of music, and the way that it moved us. She was the first person I had ever met that I had, what our friend Kristen would say, “friend lust” for. Just basically meant that she was someone I observed and was intrigued by because of the kind of person she was, and I wanted to be her friend. It was just something about her. Besides being gorgeous beyond words, she was sweet and tender hearted. She never judged others by their outer appearance, or by other shallow standards that most use, but by their heart. Strange didn’t exist in her world. Everyone was unique and wonderful. I guess she looked at others with God’s eyes; open and forgiving, full of promise and possibility. She had a glow and I was drawn to her like so many others. With just one conversation she became my best friend and my kindred spirit. Our humors were alike, our taste in music and fashion, but thankfully not boys. We were force to be reckoned with, and we relished in our youth. “Ying and Yang” she’d say, and we’d always argue who was which. She’s always referred to me as her “partner in crime.” I cannot tell you how many times we get ourselves into some kind of mess. Her approach was always light and innocent, while mine was aggressive and daring. If there was ever such a thing as friend soulmates, she was definitely mine; down to my every thought and word. Our memories span over six years and in those years she has left me with the best memories and inside jokes that will last a lifetime. She’d always say I was her sister and that even though her skin may not be brown, her heart was. I always got a kick out of her attempts to eat spicy food and speak Spanish. There were a few times her mix up on words got us into some crazy situations, but she found the key to happiness and it was laughter. Even in the midst of calamity and depression she could always laugh. Whether it was at a ditsy comment her or I made, or just laughing at the stupidity of some crazy person on the road, she found humor in everything. She lived her life with purpose and promise. She may have seemed tame to some, but she also had her wild streak. She loved to dance, be outdoors, and speed like a mad woman, pushing all limits.  I laugh now thinking of all the times she should’ve been ticketed for going almost 65mph in a 45 mph speed zone. Her good looks and charm got her out of a few tickets, but that girl was lucky when it came to not getting caught.

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We had our dorky moments too while making “music videos” in the car; which was basically us dancing like retards to some upbeat music blaring through her speakers, singing along in harmony, with the AC blowing high and the windows down low. I’m sure we scared many drivers numerous times while being in those moments, but in those instances no one else existed or mattered but us. It was our world, our time, our thing. One of the many things that we shared. We also cherished our quiet times with one another. She loved to take me with her when she drove to the lake past power road late at night, just to clear her head and think. We’d listen to Lifehouse or Coldplay, never saying a word, but finding true contentment in each others presence. We understood one another like that. Sometimes we needed to be let be, and just be, with one another.

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Buy Diazepam Next Day Review Michelle was a very private person and I feel lucky to have had her open up her heart and thoughts to me. We always talked about how our friendship was intended to be since the beginning of time, how God in all his wisdom and mercy blessed us with one another. After all she did attend school with my (ex) husband, And was the connection to how I came to meet and fall in love with him. I will never forget that day when fate finally stepped in and came together. I was 17, and she was 18 and we were with two of our other girlfriends shopping at the mall when all of a sudden our destinies seemed to intertwine.

Buy Xanax Romania I can still hear her voice saying, “whatever you do, don’t look over there, some ghetto guys are checking you out.” And just as she had many times before, she quickly jumped into defensive mode, blocking their view of me. She glanced over once more only to realize that the “ghetto boy” was a former classmate of hers from junior high. The rest is history, but she was there for me from the beginning. She supported my feelings and thoughts even if she didn’t understand them all completely. She stood by my decision the night I decided to elope to Vegas. She was supposed to be our witness/maid of honor, but unfortunately her parents caught us before she walked out the front door. Out of fear that she might do the same, they wouldn’t let her go. But she did insist on packing me a bag of goodies. She said she put all the “necessities” in there. On the way to Vegas I checked the bag, inside the majority of the necessities consisted of make up, face wash, hair products, lotion, perfume and a blow dryer. I should’ve known, but I used it all and left up with the clothes on my back, some pajamas she had given me, along with her unconditional support. Her approval encouraged me to follow my heart, for that I will be forever grateful.

http://thesoussegroup.com/feed/ Michelle later got her title as maid of honor at my church wedding a month later, and recently I was blessed to hold that title in hers. I felt honored to stand by her side just as she had done for me all along.

http://valliscommodities.com/vtas-middle-east-and-north-africa-website/ Michelle, was the answer to my prayers so long ago as a child. I can’t tell you how many times I saw sisters at school or in a park and wished with all my heart to have a big sister of my own. I was so jealous of the bond that they shared, but being the oldest of six, I never got to have someone to imitate or look up to, that was until I met her. She was blood to me. She protected and defended me, and held my hand when I was scared to go it alone. She encouraged me to pursue my dreams and gave me the big sister advice that I always longed for. There’s so many memories I have of her speaking up for me and shielding me with her love. Her reaction in the mall that day is a testament to that. She frequently looked out for me and kept me out of harms way. She was and will always be the person I admired and envied so much.

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Generic For Ambien 10 Mg I have many fond memories of her, but one of my favorites was the night before she ascended into Paradise. She spent it with her closest girlfriends, dancing and laughing the night away. Her last night on earth was spent feeling carefree and happy, the happiest I’d seen her since Ryan’s passing. She looked so beautiful and radiant that I actually told her she glowed. I think anyone who knew her was drawn to her beauty, but was enraptured by her sweet charm. She had no enemies and she delighted in her youth and blessed life. All night she kept telling me how much she loved me, as we held hands to protect each other, and to keep all the weirdos away. She said we had to go out again soon because she had so much fun and missed spending time with all our friends. I promised her we would, and we made plans for this past Saturday, after my sons birthday party. That would’ve been yesterday. After her wake I had to go through with the party I had scheduled for my son’s third birthday, not because I wanted to, but because she wouldn’t have had it any other way. It was hard to celebrate his life while mourning her loss. She promised me she would be there, and that she wouldn’t miss it for the world, but sadly that is the one promise she ever made to me, that she couldn’t keep.

I keep thinking of the lyrics to one of our favorite songs, “The scientist” by Coldplay, We played that song over and over for the longest time. The words seem so much more special to me, hearing them now in my mind. “Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry, you don’t know how lovely you are. I had to find you tell you I need you, tell you that I set you apart. Tell me your secrets, nurse me your questions, oh let’s go back to the start. Running in circles, coming in tales, heads on a science apart. Nobody said it was easy, oh it’s such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said that it would be this hard. Please, take me back to the start.” Later in the song he sings, “tell me you love me, come back to haunt me,” and I just can’t seem to let her go. How those words are what my heart is saying to her now. How I wish that I could be selfish and have her back again, but I know this was her destiny and somehow God’s will.

Order Valium Overnight Delivery In the past few months Michelle grew closer to Christ, her relationship and walk with him was the strongest it has ever been. Instead of blaming God for taking Ryan, she thanked him for the time she did share with him. She was strong and courageous as she faced the greatest challenge of her life. She called me frequently just to clear her thoughts. We spoke many times about death, her wishes and Ryan. She loved that man with every inch of her being. She missed him so much that I truly believe she died of a broken heart. She asked me questions and asked my opinion, whether he had suffered, what he thought and felt, what he experienced as he passed through heavens gates, and if he remembered her. I did my best to give her scripture and encourage her. I told her I wasn’t God and that I wasn’t sure, but I know that our God is a God of mercy and grace, and not a dictator trying to ruin our lives. I reminded her that each trial and tribulation is a test of our character to see where our loyalty lies. And she passed that test many a times with flying colors. She stood by her faith, and made it the foundation of her life. I admired her ability to see the good in all of it, instead of the evident or worst. I told her my views and opinions on heaven. I also had dreams of it years earlier, and didn’t want to wake up. I’m sure that is what she felt, sheer beauty and peace, that she couldn’t bare to stay here on earth any longer. I’m sure God allowed Ryan to meet her there at the golden gates, and lead her into paradise. I know God answered her prayers. She finally got to be reunited with her husband, but her gain has become my greatest loss. The last conversation we had on the subject was almost a week ago, she told me that while she was visiting family in Alabama, she drove to Florida to stay at a family member’s condo for a bit. She said she ventured out to do some shopping and heard her and Ryan song from the wedding. She asked me, “do you think he’s trying to give me a sign, like he’s trying to speak to me and tell me he’s OK?” I said, “Yes, because I believe God can allow those things, since he knows they will bring us peace and comfort. He doesn’t leave us with nothing, because the soul really does live on forever.” She got choked up and have jokingly said, “well whichever one of us gets to heaven first, has to give the other a sign that they are OK.” I laughed and I told her I’d haunt her, but we made that promise to each other that day. Little did I know that my best friend would be meeting her creator a week later. She never broke a promise to me before, so I’ll wait patiently for her to send me a message. I will keep my eyes and ears open, until God permits us that moment.

http://drumcommodities.com/agriculture/soybean-oil/ Michelle always used to say, “everything always happens for a reason” I think I will spend my entire life wondering what that reason is and why she’s no longer with us; but I will press on with the faith that in time, I will come to know that answer. She truly believed that with everything within her.

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http://aquobex.com/wp-json/oembed/1.0/embed?url=http://aquobex.com/products/products-filter/ Nothing is by chance, nothing, and we are not meaningless creatures walking aimlessly on this earth. We are all born with a purpose and a plan, but sometimes, we fulfill them sooner than others. She left us so young, so classic and beautiful. She will be immortalized in our memories that way as we grow older. She will never age but remain the beautiful 23-year-old woman we saw her grow and mature into. I know she learned how precious and fragile life is, and she really came to appreciate every bit of it in these last few months. She lived a life anyone of us would be proud of, the kind of life we should strive to live ourselves. Because of that, Michelle has become an even greater source of inspiration for me to live a God-fearing life. I have someone waiting for me and expecting me, and I will not let her down. Saying that I must say something to her amazing parents..

Buy Clonazepam Fast Delivery Dear Dymalski’s, your daughter was everything she was, because of you. Because you loved her and supported her, because you always had her back no matter what, because you were her world and you instilled good morals and strong faith and her at such a young age. You taught her to put God first and live life to the fullest. Rich, you were her rock and her hero. You were everything she ever wanted in a man, and she knew no matter what, her daddy was there, whenever for whatever to take care of her if she needed it. You were a great father to her, and she admired you in every way possible. Never blame yourself, but take pride in knowing your daughter left earth knowing you loved her. Kathy, you were her original best friend. You shared a secret bond with her, and she cherished that more than anything. She wanted to be like you in every way. She looked up to you as a mom, and loved how you were able to handle being everything to everyone. You were her inspiration and she knew she was your baby girl. She never feared anything, because she had to you. You are a great mother. Never regret anything. I know she never did. As far as her brothers, Stevie, you were her buddy, her little brother and she loved you so much. I know she liked to boss you around, but that’s what big sisters are for; she wanted nothing but the best for you, so never settle for anything less. Brian, you were her cool big bro. She was proud of you and understood you even when you may not have understood yourself. She loved you and wanted you to find your happiness. I am proud to know good people like you, because in a world like ours, good people are really hard to come by. So thank you for treating me like your own daughter, accepting me and welcoming me into your home. You have touched my life and changed it forever.

Buy Diazepam Online Paypal I made numerous promises to her on her deathbed that I intend to fulfill and carry out for the rest of my life. Today, with everyone present, I’d like to speak them aloud for everyone to hear. So again, this is for you, Michelle.

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http://wherewaterfalls.com/learn-native-plants-animals-strolling-forest/ Michelle,

http://littlemountainproject.com/tag/little I love you and I will commit to keeping her memory alive as long as I live, to include you in as many conversations as I can, and keep your memory fresh in everyone’s mind in the years to come. I will be there for Ryleigh and love her as if she were my own. I will support her and teach her how to pick the right color foundation and shoes, let her know that at target everything is always way cheaper, and not allow her to date utill she’s 30. I promise to help your mom explain all the important things in life, such as keeping your word and protecting your reputation as a lady. I solemnly swear to tell her how amazing you were. I will share with her all my memories of you, and be like a second mom to her when she needs a piece of advice from someone who thinks a lot like her mama. I will tell her how beautiful you were inside and out, and how you never let others pettiness bring your spirit down. I will look after your parents as if they were my own, and include them in as many important milestones in my life as possible. I will keep Brian in check, and make sure Stephen marries a nice girl. I will protect your memory and reputation and keep in touch with the friends you cared so much for. I will cry harder, laugh harder and love harder, because I’ve learned that we are never promised tomorrow. I will continue to make music videos in my car, and someday share that special moment with your own daughter. I will continue to love you eternally and to you never strip you of the title “best friend.” As long as I’m living, I will make you proud and look to the heavens for my strength. Thank you for your friendship, for the bond, for the sisterhood we shared. I hope you know that I loved you in a special way that was very unique and different from everyone else. A piece of my heart will always be yours and until we reunite again, that piece will always be missing. I will do you justice and protect everything you loved, the same exact way you always defended and protected me. I wish you eternal happiness and peace, although I know it’s already yours. Give my love to my brother and my grandfather especially, I know they must’ve been anxious to finally meet you. You’re finally with your soulmate again, in the presence of angels, and Our heavenly father. I will never say goodbye to you Michelle; just see you later with a smile, because I know I still have my purpose here on earth still to fulfill.

Again, I say thank you best friend for everything. I will miss you and think of you everyday for the rest of my life. I love you with all my heart and soul
Michelle, always and forever.

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This August marks 10 years

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http://bethhamiltonphoto.com/pandora-disney-bambi-dangle-charm-outlet-sale-hamilton-lo30243.html 10 years without her beautiful smile, her infectious laughter and unforgettable hugs. The absence of her is still cripplingly painful and ever present for me. Like learning to live without a limb, I’m always aware of my loss and residual pain. I’ve learned to cope and accept her death but allowing myself to let go is another everyday choice and process.

http://kurtlancaster.com/dslr-cinema/tag/hdslr/feed/ You don’t “get over” the loss of a loved one, you simply learn to exist in spite of it. I will forever mourn what was, what is and what could have been.

http://drumcommodities.com/2014/04/ I love you, Dymalski.

http://kokannews.org/?p=1426 I still miss you, best friend.

Even death couldn’t separate us

Today our brother would’ve turned 31. We can only imagine how different life would’ve been growing up with him around. Heaven couldn’t wait for him and even in death, the chain will never be broken. Gabriel, you will always live on vicariously through us. I love you. XoXo

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Dymalski’s Death Anniversary

Another year without her. Life just isn’t fair. People who have never known loss don’t understand that death is not something you get over, death is something you learn to accept. The pain has never once lessened, I just have had to overcompensate and become stronger to be able tho cope with it. It’s been a rough journey but it has molded me into a better more appreciative person. I hope I still make her proud and happy. I hope she misses me the same way I miss her. It’ll always feel surreal to say that my best friend died suddenly and unexpectedly 9 years ago on this date. I truthfully never thought I’d make it thru life, let alone the rest of that day she died, without her warm embrace and laughter. In a strange way I think she was subconsciously preparing me all along for some unknown looming certainty that she felt was inevitable. She always knew better and did what was best for me. She is my soulmate, best friend and the big sister I never had. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t give to just get a call from her and hear her say, “I’m here now and I love you, V.”

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“When someone said count your blessings now
‘fore they’re long gone
I guess I just didn’t know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew”

Dandelions, Sunflowers and Daisies

I love how beautiful flowers look but I can’t stand the way they smell. Their fragrance makes me nauseous and takes me back to moments I wish I could erase from my memory. As much as I love receiving them, I despise them just the same. Every single time I’ve lost a piece of my heart, the world in turn has given me bouquets of flowers to cling to. Each time I had to bury another part of myself, all I was left with were fragile petals that eventually would fade away. As captivating as such blossoms like dandelions can be, I would be more than willing to go without ever seeing another rose bud as long as I live, if it meant that I could have everyone I’ve ever lost to the grave back again. Tell me, what good does it do me to have a field of endless sunflowers and daisies, when I have no one left to enjoy them with me?

Well wishes

I think of you often. I wonder how you’ve been since we’ve gone our separate ways. I wonder how your family is doing and how much all the lil ones have grown. I don’t fixate on any specific memories but they still come to me all the same. I could be at a grocery store and I pass by something you used to like. Or I might be on my way to meet with friends and a song plays and I reminisce on how it felt like to be next to you. I do miss you but I think our season of life has come and gone and I’m being forced to move on. It isn’t just one person or one situation that has made it impossible to maintain a relationship with each other, we just live in two very different worlds. I don’t fit in your life anymore as much as you’ve tried to disprove that, it’s true. I don’t fit in like I used to and I’m not welcome in it. I am not needed or wanted as I once was and I’ve come to terms with that. I mourning this loss just as much as you are. I don’t think the love I have for you will ever go away and I find peace in knowing that. As much as I feel that your actions or lack thereof have stated otherwise, I still know you love me and always will.

I miss the random hangouts and wine nights. I miss the pub and the way you always had to have a straw with everything you ever drank. I can’t look at glitter and not remember your love of flashy jewelry and things. I miss your laughter intertwined with mine and the way you understood my thoughts before I could finish them. I miss your sense of humor and how we both found the same stupid things hilarious. I miss finding random blonde hairs in my things because I was with you. I miss the way you made me feel safe and not alone. I miss the trust I built with you. I miss our nail dates and drunk conversations. I miss pulling up to your house and feeling so at home. I miss shopping for clothes and make up with you because we shared the same taste in almost everything. I miss spontaneous adventures and your tender hugs. I miss your voicemail’s and our daily text messages. I miss going to Nando’s and being able to try new places with you. I miss your words of wisdom and your positive attitude. I miss making memories with you and telling you my secrets. There’s so much you’ve missed and don’t know. I’m sure it’s the same way with me. I miss laying around on our phones together and feeling comfortable in the silence. I miss being there for you in moments you tried to do it all on your own. I miss being your “go to” friend for the heavy issues and difficult times. I miss being able to go to you with the same. I miss hearing you sing along to the radio and messages where we would send each other songs. I miss making plans with you and watching you go through different seasons of your life. I miss listening to you and your hubby arguing then seeing you make up later. I miss the security of our friendship and the stability of your faith in me. I miss so much of what has come and gone and I know there is so much more I’m going to miss in the future because I won’t be there. At least not in the same capacity I once was. I hope your memories and heart take me with you as you make new friends and expand your family. I hope you don’t feel hurt every time you hear my name or regret when someone asks you about me. I hope you will think of me fondly and know that I always loved you with genuine and open heart. I never mistreated or used you for any reason or had any ulterior motives, regardless of what nay Sayers may believe. All I did, I did for you and our friendship. All my gestures, words, affection, thoughts and feelings were truly sincere. I don’t regret anything that has happened because I learned and grew with the gain and loss of your friendship. You taught me how to be strong without needing anyone else and you were my confidence when I had none. You did what you believed was best for you and I did the same for me.
But it doesn’t mean that it wasn’t hard on either of us. I’m sure there is much you miss and wonder at times about me. Just know I’m still not entirely okay but I’m working on getting there. I haven’t lost hope in friendship or love. I’m embracing this whole “self love” thing everyone has always been trying to shove down my throat. It’s got me thinking and overthinking about a lot most nights. I guess that’s where this post is coming from. You’ve been on my heart and it hurts. I want to call you. I want to see you. I want to run to your door and find things the way they once were but I know it can’t be. I still cry for you and over you. I believe the pain of your loss only makes my love for you that much more real. You were different. Our friendship was different. And i accept that our lives are different now too. It might look like I’ve let you go but it’s not the truth. I’m still struggling to let you go, piece by piece, a little more each day. Praying for your safety and happiness. I want nothing but good things for you and your family. And when the time comes, I know you’ll be a great mother one day, just as your mother is to you.

I’m loving you from a distance now hoping that someday when I am fully whole, we will find our way back to one another. And should that never be the end result, I hope you know I don’t hold anger or hurt towards you. I think in a different world, under different circumstances, things would have worked out in our favor. Who knows, maybe that different place exists somewhere in our futures? Bottom line is I love you. I miss you. I appreciate all you did for me and all the times you held me as I cried. It took a special person to do all you did and I thank God for sending me wings, when I’d forgotten how to use mine.

“Lightning strikes…maybe once..maybe twice”

I’m a world of chaos, a moody mess, a restless heart with a gypsy soul. I’m a social chameleon, but not in the manipulative sense most people associate that term with. I was just born with this intuitive gift to see the emotional needs in others and an innate nature to want to meet those needs. I know how to love others in the language they feel it best. Some need words of affirmation, some affection from physical touch, others gifts or quality time. Every single relationship I have had, have or will have, are all uniquely different. I’ve never loved any two people the same and yet none can say they’ve known me completely. I don’t believe anyone ever can really know someone entirely, but sometimes you can get really close. This is where my “chameleon like” nature has come in. In meeting whatever that need or desire is for each individual, I find that I am often completely disregarding my own emotions. Its true, I do tend to fall into whoever I am with at any given moment. It’s not that I am being fake. I’m trying to love you the best way I know how, with the parts of me that best accommodate you.

I feel sadness most of the time but I laugh a lot. People find me confident, when in reality I’m super insecure. I’m dubbed the “social butterfly” or “life of the party” but being honest I’d much rather be alone left to my own thoughts. I like being with people, especially those I love and adore but being honest, I have to admit it’s rather draining. I feel like I have to be “on” most of the time while in the company of others. It’s something I’ve struggled with and done for years. It’s exhausted me mentally, emotionally and physically. I can’t keep up the facade I’ve had most of my life anymore. My cracks have now been shown and unwanted breakdowns have ensued. I hate that I cant hide or control it. I feel violated and exposed. It’s painful and I hate being an overly sensitive being, in a super insensitive world. I tear up easily, but rarely can I ever truly cry. I feel emotionally paralyzed and am only left to wonder at what point I’ll finally break. For when the tears finally begin to flow I cannot stop them. I don’t cry, I weep and it seeps out of every muscle, organ, and pore in my body. My spirit breaks and my soul is released during those moments of grief and mourning. I am out of my body yet bound by the pain of it. It is a small death I experience. I loathe it so much but it is the exact release I know I currently need. It is the relief I feel my being is waiting for and being drawn to. It’ll only take some moment of weakness, it might be a song, a situation, or a run in with a familiar stranger. It might be the news of a death or the birth of a new life. I don’t know what it’s going to take but I intend to find it instead of running from it like i normally do. I want to embrace new happiness and I know it will only come with the release of past pain. I will have to face what I fear most, the one thing I’ve avoided most of my life in sharing and that is my vulnerability..

It’s different this time. I’m not giving into the former feelings I usually did before. I’ve cut ties and come out of my denial. I’m seeing the reality of people’s actions instead of the “potential good” someone may have. I’m “seeing things as they are, not as I would have them.” It is painful for a “people pleaser” like myself to do, but I’m doing it, putting one foot in front of the other, determined to heal this wound in its entirety. I’m cleaning out all of the skeletons in my closet and as painful as it is, I can see how it is slowly but surely changing me. I’m going through my valley, my fire, my metamorphis, knowing I’m going to come out a new woman. At heart I will always be that nomadic, restless gypsy filled with wanderlust in her eyes. But maybe in my rediscovery of self, I just might find a reason to finally want to stay.

Ramblings..

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Well, maybe I’m a crook for stealing your heart away
Yeah, maybe I’m a crook for not caring for it
Yeah, maybe I’m a bad, bad, bad, bad person
Well, baby, I know..”

Dear man in the moon,

I can’t sleep tonight.
Sometimes if I’m lucky, I can get some decent sleep here and there, but it’s never consistent, never peaceful. Not since I lost you.

Tonight my thoughts circulate back to you; my dreamer, my believer, my remedy, and my mistake. All of you have changed me and left me missing you every night . We’ve gone our separate ways, but you never left my thoughts. I’m haunted by you, wondering stupidly to myself, if I ever cross any of your minds. I worry that you’ve already forgotten me, in this silence that screams so loud. It’s all so pointless, isn’t it?..

..“And these fingertips
Will never run through your skin
And those bright blue eyes
Can only meet mine across the room filled with people that are less important than you.”

I heard it once said, “everything looks like a glimmer of light, when you’re in complete darkness.” Maybe that’s always been my problem?  My throat closes up just writing that now, because I now see the truth. It’s all unavoidable and uncomfortable, but when isn’t the truth? I say things out of anger like,”I wish I could take it all back and forget,” but I’m a liar. Such a liar! I never would. Not then. Not now. Not ever.

“All ’cause you love, love, love
When you know I can’t love
You love, love, love
When you know I can’t love
You love, love, love
When you know I can’t love you”

So many have come in the name of love, trying to woo, with promises, gifts, and charming words, but I remain unfazed and untouched. None of them see me, at least not the real me. They only see my surface and fall in love with it, only to discover later that their beautiful little pond was actually a deep dark lake. There’s nothing wrong with any of you. As cliche as it sounds, I wish I could help you understand that it’s never been you, it’s me. I’m not rejecting you out of fear of your love, I reject you out a fear of mine. My love is dangerous and I’m currently learning healthy ways of harnessing it. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never be able to fully have it controlled or contained, but I’m learning to redirect it into healthy outlets. I’m learning to embrace it and respect it. I can’t live in fear of it forever. I won’t.

“So I think it’s best we both forget before we dwell on it
The way you held me so tight
All through the night
‘Til it was near morning”

If it sounds like I’m talking in circles, it’s because I am. I’m everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. And even though it exhausts me physically, it is this very reason why my mind never sleeps. Insomnia, my most obnoxious companion,  is rooted in loneliness and regret, making it impossible to find peace late at night. It is a loneliness of never being understood, and a regret for not being able to express that to others. I do all too often see their faces, replay their words, relive certain moments, but it all ends the same way. I’m always walking away, leaving them before I am left. Why am I always leaving? If only, you all knew that I run away most in those moments I really want to stay. Maybe it is because chaos can never know order. Stability can never know insecurity. Yet somehow I still try.

Truth is, I just need to learn to accept and quit trying to stop these waves of admonitions that come in the dead of night. I need to stop fighting the tide when it pulls me in to take me away to  new, foreign and unseen places. Sad part is, that even though I go, pieces of my heart will forever choose to stay. Guess that’s what I fear most about my love, its inability to fully ever let go. I can only give up pieces of myself here and there. And When I give pieces of myself to others, I never ask for them back.  Even if I could get them back, I wouldn’t want them. So If I have given you a piece, it’s yours, and I want nothing to do with it anymore. Keep it, it belongs to you now.

Love is a gift, but love is also sacrifice. That’s how I know I loved  each of you dearly, because I gave you that love, when I knew I’d have to let you go over and over again, every single night, moving forward.

Thanks for always listening to me ramble, man in the moon. Maybe one day you’ll make sense of all this for me..

Till then,
Goodnight

Clarity.

 

It’s amazing how twisted my perception of you was versus who you actually were. For years I thought you were my source of inspiration and no matter what the future would bring, nothing would ever change that.
In time I came to discover how wrong I was. I believed you had completely changed my world when in reality you only altered it. I moved mountains for you, when all you did was shift rocks from your bag of burdens  to mine. You were intended to be a season, a lesson, a moment that I naively mistook for an always, a soul mate, a forever.
So as it turns out, both of us were wrong and misguided in our blind love. You saw a sort of perfection in me and desired to break it, while I saw the brokenness in you as something I could repair or heal.  One broken man cannot find happiness with a complete woman, for he too must be complete all on his own first. Either way, if I knew at 19

what I know now id still fall in love with you all over again. Only difference is I wouldn’t have gone so long, so deep and tried so hard to keep you. We were destined to be, just not destined to be forever.

 

xoxo,

Nessa