Did I drive you away?

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Coldplay has consistently been my go to music for long commutes, road trips and late night cruises. I’ve cried oceans of tears to this track alone over the years because it echoes my own heartfelt sentiments. Whenever I want to evoke deep emotions over the present, future or past, I play “sparks” and allow myself to come undone.

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http://littlemountainproject.com/tag/little-mountain-social-housing I find myself making excuses to get away on late nights like these to take that long drive down Pecos road and let the tears fall. Alone, I make my way thru the dark searching for clarity and resolutions. I guess I mostly prefer this dark route because of the barely there street lights. The darkness makes it easy to hide all my sadness. Millions of bright stars light up the night sky the further I continue to venture out. Sometimes I find myself lost in daydreams of the past or get caught up in fantasizes of the future. Either way, I’m always tempted to run away to places where no one knows me at all.

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http://drumcommodities.com/author/admin/page/3/ The mystery of the unexplored road always has me wondering if there is something or someone still out there searching for me or waiting to be found. The wanderlust within me grows the further and further away i get from the city, closer to the base of the mountains. The need to escape seems overwhelmingly strong on nights like tonight. Like many of the male disappointments in my life, the disarming road comes abruptly to a dead end, leaving me abandoned in utter darkness and despair.

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The knowledge of this should probably stop me from continuing to take this gloomy drive, but I’ve come to see that it’s probably the best metaphor for how I view love and relationships in life. Understanding that all circumstances are temporary and that we are all dispensable, gives me the courage to fall in love wholeheartedly with every single soul and moment God sends my way.

The last time I took my drive down Pecos I saw the beginnings of construction taking place to expand the freeway. The realization of losing this space made me feel a profound ache in my heart, but I understand change and growth are just another part of being alive. One day I know my special place will become filled with the hustle and bustle of city life and the road that hid my tears with darkness will be lit up by endless freeway lights. I know the way this road used to make me feel will soon be a memory of the past. I know I’ll take this drive when all is said and done and reminisce on the nights I found sanctuary driving down these barren streets. I’ll play this song and feel the bittersweet sting of closure, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt..

http://valliscommodities.com//wp-content/plugins/contact-form-7/includes/css/styles.css?ver=5.0.4 I saw sparks.

I was his Marilyn Monroe..

Order Prescription Phentermine Online “I’ve never fooled anyone. I’ve let men fool themselves. They didn’t bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn’t argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn’t.”

That place where you can’t remember and you can’t forget.

I’ve been loved passionately, obsessively, lustfully, recklessly and intensely. I’ve been loved in the light and in the dark, worshipped and adored, but I have yet to find a love equal to or more powerful than my own. I’ve know I’ve had temporary homes where I’ve allowed my heart to rest awhile and hide away, but never a place I’ve been able to unpack every hurt and stay forever.

I’ve learned that there are beautiful gardens inside all of us that are constantly trickling through different seasons of life. Each garden is being cultivated and tended to through phases of sporadic growth as well. In some lives I’ve planted beautiful seeds and pulled weeds, some I carelessly and recklessly stomped through. Some I neglected watering, while others I gave nothing but sunlight and nourishment to. Gardens are beautiful places to witness, but one must never forget the many jagged rocks, unseen parasites, deadly chemicals and sharp thorns that can still exists among them. I learned that lesson the hard way.

For the most part my garden has kept trespassers away while others have walked by, peered in and attempted to enter its ironclad gates. I learned through disappointments, trials and pain that people enter our lives for a season, a reason or a lifetime. I understand now that the secrets to my garden can only be revealed to the person that holds its most coveted key.

I’ve had many romantic relationships over the years, but none that were able to keep my heart or attention consistently for long. I’m well aware of the trap doors within my mind, repressed emotions buried deep, and hidden stairways that lead to places in my heart that no one knows about. No matter who the person is, was, or how close the relationship came to be, there was always a wedge driven in between us that made it impossible for me to ever fully commit.

I’ve shared so much and given to others with no real intent of ever getting anything back. I have loved from the fiery pits of my soul and those burnt by its flames have felt its residual effects. It’s forced me to question if autonomy is what I ultimately prefer. Maybe someday I’ll change that, but for now, I’ll continue to pass the time enjoying my stay in these temporary homes, keeping the secrets to my garden locked away.

Never enough: Addicted to love with the wrong one

Private schools and beautiful vacations, big parties and expensive gifts, custom made homes and over the top holidays together, but no relationship whatsoever to show for it.

Poor little rich girl.

I knew nothing about struggle or bills. I didn’t even understand the concept of money until I married a man who didn’t have it. I grew up never having chores, learning to cook or doing my own laundry. Everything was already done for me before it was even a thought to ask. When things would break, they’d be replaced or fixed immediately and I wanted for nothing.

My first car was a graduation gift I didn’t earn or ask for, but it was given to me without rules or stipulations. I didn’t pay for insurance or maintenance because it was taken care of for me. When I got my first checking account money was put into in and when I’d overdraft my account, it got paid off. I didn’t feel entitled, but I knew I had advantages growing up that other children didn’t. I can’t remember wanting something that I didn’t eventually get.

Each year I was given money to buy a new wardrobe and shoes, even when I didn’t need them. College and books were paid for, even though I’d often ditch to be with whatever boy I had interest in at the time. I didn’t really understand repercussions and consequences because I never was forced to pay them. I had everything I wanted and more, but I was so emotionally empty on the inside. I know from the outside looking in, I had it all and in many ways I did but no one knew at what cost. Everything comes with a price.

The flip side to such a comfortable lifestyle was never really getting to know my father. Some had absentee fathers physically, but mine was absent in the emotional sense. He worked long hours, leaving for work before we woke and getting back long after we’d already gone to bed. My father didn’t invest time in me or try to get to know me, because his focus was on work. It didn’t stop me from wanting his love, affection and praise, that sadly even up until this day he’s never given me. I supposedly was the fruit of his love, but his actions or lack thereof, seem to state the opposite.

At the age of fourteen, my father decided to divulge many secrets about his past that rocked the entire foundation I once stood on. My father told us he had an illegitimate child we never knew of, had dealt drugs, suffered from every addiction you could think of, attempted to commit Suicide, was a known womanizer and had a violent past. The truth was my father had once been a monster and was nothing like the innocent poverty stricken child he had led us to believe. Everything my father hated he had been, and every form of judgment he passed down, he himself was guilty of. It left me feeling deceived and unable to fully trust anyone anymore. I couldn’t justify my fathers absence and lies, and after learning the truth about him, I came to understand some things about myself.

I could forgive a plethora of sins committed before me or done to me, but I could never forgive someone who repeatedly lied to me. I was hurt, confused and irate for many years following his confession. I also came to discover how other men I’d admired, loved and respected had done similar things in their past as well. It left me wondering if all men were really monsters at their core, or if all they really needed was saving. That mentality planted in me as a child caused me to look at every man and question the very same thing over and over again; is he a monster or is he a good man?

I developed a painful addiction of loving the wrong kinds of men. Through trial and error I learned that knowing something and feeling something are two entirely different things when it comes to love. I guess I always wanted to be the inspiration for change in another persons life and by healing others I thought maybe I could heal myself. I was still trying to come to terms with all the issues I never addressed as a child. I was the girl that wanted the time and not the diamond watch. I wanted my daddy and not all the stuff he gave me to fill his place. I think to me that became more apparent as my rebellious acts grew. I was running with the wrong kinds of guys, sneaking out and putting myself in dangerous situations. I couldn’t vocalize my pain so I buried it thinking it would just disappear, but it didn’t. My Dad and I wanted different things. He wanted my submission and total control, I wanted to be loved and free.

I️ desperately wanted his approval, but he wasn’t the kind to even pay a compliment. All he did was criticize, judge and control. He was emotionally detached and physically unavailable when I needed him most.

As a little girl I remember watching t.v shows where Kids were being smothered with fatherly affection, praise and unconditional love. I often wished to have a dad like the ones I saw portrayed in the movies, and found myself imagining what it must feel like. I still hoped for random hugs and kisses, sweet notes left at my bedside to wake up to, but those things never came. I learned to cope by living in my world of dreams and fantasies, focusing all my attention on my little sisters, while quietly praying for the day that my Dad would finally notice me.

So I worked hard, got awards, was well like with teachers and popular among my classmates. I was a star athlete when I decided to play sports and favored among all my teachers. I later showed him I had true talent by serenading him on a family road trip when I was thirteen. Al of it was a conscious effort to get his approval and attention yet every accomplishment was followed with complaints and negative criticism of some kind.

I could never win..which to me meant..I could never really be worthy of love.

I know my first real rejection by him came when I was about 9 or 10 years old. I asked him if he could play “make believe” with me, but he told me no and said he had given me four little sisters for that purpose, and I should go ask one of them instead. I can still remember the burning in my throat and the turning in my stomach, but I couldn’t show him my hurt. I smiled and acted like I understood, then ran straight to the bathroom to cry in the dark.

That is one of many moments he neglected and disregarded me, talked over and corrected me. Eventually I learned to stop hoping, stop asking and stop expecting something that would never be returned. He was too tired, too hard headed, too distracted by responsibilities to notice that I was learning to live without my daddy.

Raised like a princess, but treated like a soldier; I learned how to mask my sadness with surface indifference and humor. I was expected to be submissive and practical, but those concepts always seemed so foreign to me, much like my father. The things I️ did come to know about him, I didn’t like or understand, so I made excuses for him and assumed that the problem had to be me.

He never did apologize or acknowledge any all of the hurt he’s caused me over the years, nor has he validated me in any sense. Even at 33 years old, my father has rarely to never shown me any emotion beyond disappointment and anger. And now I see how that negativity, disregard and neglect has eaten away at my heart and soul.

He should’ve been the life vest that saved me all those times I isolated myself in bathrooms and closets, trying to hide my tears; instead he ended up being the anchor that stunted my growth, by weighing me down and eventually drowning me. No matter how many times or ways I’ve expressed my pain, my cries have fallen on deaf ears. It’s made me question why I am not worth more than his pride or his need to be right.

How can one man can be both the problem and solution? Builder and destroyer? Sickness and cure?..

..And how is it that everyone else can see me, except him?

Apart from the emotional stuff, my father was an excellent provider and planner for the future. Today he is completely debt free. He owns all his cars, motorcycles and homes. His hard work has finally paid off, but it has cost him dearly. He’s missed out on years of quality time with his wife and five daughters. He has everything he’s ever wanted, but now no one to truly share it with. A big beautiful house that remains empty most nights, because we’ve all gone our separate ways. It’s sad that my father thought that providing financially and giving gifts would be enough.

I’ve grown tired of telling him what I need to feel accepted and loved. He doesn’t understand how his cold indifference, harsh words and abusive actions have hindered our relationship throughout the years. I suffered physical abuse at his hands and took the blame in order to protect my family, all while never feeling truly loved or accepted by him, ever. Yet somehow I’m supposed to believe there’s a man out there capable of loving me in the ways I need?..

My own father can’t even do that.

People understand up to their own experience and perception of life. And I guess the same could be said for how people love as well.

I know when it came to talks of the future, love and marriage, my father always pushed his opinions about the kind of man I should desire. I’d tell him all the characteristics I wanted in a partner and he’d laugh. My desires were always for emotional fulfillment, words of affirmation and quality time. My father’s desires were superficial, logical and more so action over words. He wanted a man with money, education and power for me and my sisters. He felt marrying less would be beneath us. He’d say “it boils down to this, you can marry the rich man or the poor man. Suffer in luxury or in poverty.” I never understood why suffering and pain were realities my father always foresaw in his daughters future relationships, but they did. I often challenged him on his stance because I’d argue back saying I wanted to love and be loved for things money can’t buy. I desperately wanted to believe that not all men were going to treat me the same way my father had, but one thing he instilled in me was my fear of love and inability to fully trust a man. I never wanted to be a man’s trophy wife left on a mantle to gather dust and be forgotten. I wanted to be a passionate partner who could be an inspiration to her man on his own path to fulfilling his lifelong goals. It was clear that my father wanted the reality but I was set on the dream.

At 19, I eloped to Vegas with the boy who brought me flowers and wrote me poems. The boy who called me “Pretty” and who couldn’t keep his hands off of me. I fell in love with the boy who couldn’t sleep without my body next to his or start his day without a kiss from me first. I fell in love with the dream I had in my heart and the lies this beautiful boy told me. I learned the hard way that my father was right and how the worst kinds of men hide behind attractive facades. It wasn’t until I left my dads protective bubble that I came to know the world of chaos, secrets, addictions, drugs, lies, manipulations, infidelity and pain. It was naive of me to believe that the boy who came from total dysfunction could ever promise me a happy life of peace and sobriety. After years of abuse and suffering in silence, I left the beautiful boy I once loved and accepted the reality of who he truly was all along. I️ never had my dream as a child or as a adult; they were all just nightmares in the end. And sadly, he’d be the first of many, in the long succession of men I’d come to love and leave.

Nothing could ever compare to the pain I️ experienced when I️ lost my first love. To this day, he is the only man I’ve ever truly committed to in every sense. I’ve never loved, adored, obsessed over, fucked, forgiven, fought, protected or lusted over another man like I️ did him. Letting him go took years to get over and literally almost killed me in the process. But after surviving the absolute worst, I knew that I️ could handle anything after.. and I️ did. The rest of the procession over the years became a blur. I no longer wanted the nice guy or the quiet bystander. I wanted the bad boys and rebels who were possessive, obsessive and treated me with the same cold detachment my father had treated me. Unavailable, under developed “man boys” who never got over their own issues long enough to realize that I had some of my own. They all followed the same patterns of addictions and abuse. All abandoned by their fathers at a young age, never taught how to become real men. They also had major mommy issues from childhood and subconsciously sought out women like me to heal them. Their mother’s were resentful, selfish and too caught up in their own vices to give enough affection or attention to their little boys while growing up. They never learned how to love and respect women, so they mistreated, manipulated, abused and used them. In most cases without them realizing, I had to fulfill both roles of mother and lover with these broken men. I’d give the little I had to fill their needs and leave them more empty and insatiable than before. Like two asteroids colliding in space, we’d crash into one another and be left in more pieces than we were before. I guess my dad was right about one thing, you can’t look for a man’s love in broken boys.

So here I️ am, back to the beginning, picking up the pieces, trying to rectify any fragment of a relationship I could possibly ever have with my father. I️ realize forgiveness and healing takes time, but I’m determined to heal this gaping wound, even if it’s just for the sake of my own sanity. I’m tired of subconsciously searching for love and approval in the eyes of men more fucked up than I am. It’s time I face all my insecurities and issues and try to see the ways my father has tried to show me he loves me. Tough love and provision may not be how I want to be loved or shown love, but I’ve accepted that it’s the only way my Father will ever know how to express his love for me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m so thankful for the beautiful childhood my father provided, I️ just wish he could’ve been a part of it. I’m not sure if I’ll ever break free of this vicious cycle, but tonight I guess I’m just too lonely to care.

Lucky for you…

 

When music makes you feel nostalgia for the past

He used to play the gravity album by Our last peace all the time while driving. I rode shotgun, as he’d blast the music, windows down, shades on, his hand intertwined with mine. I vividly remember hearing track #2 play and how uncomfortable the words made me feel that first time time I heard them. The voice singing sounded so tormented and conflicted over the love he thought he’d found. Somehow I seemed to identify with the voice, but I also shared a kindred connection to the source of his pain. I think understanding that truth is what made it so uncomfortable for me.

Of course years later the song still resonates strongly and I’ve seen the consequences of these toxic one sided relationships. Subconsciously, I have been drawn to the kind of relationships that are doomed from the start. It’s a pattern I started over a decade ago and it’s gotten harder and harder to break as the years have gone by. I’ve learned that the wrong kinds of men are just as much, if not more, drawn to me because we share the same brokenness. The saying, of opposites attracting isn’t true, it’s more so, misery loving company. It’s sad looking back now and realizing that the men that were so desperate to save me, were actually the ones in need of saving.

That being said, I think there’s a big misconception about relationships that most times doesn’t get addressed. Codependency comes in all shapes and forms. It masks itself behind tendencies and behaviors that most overlook or fail to recognize. Feeling trapped or controlled in your relationship is a sure sign of this. Red flags like having to hide, water down, lie, suppress or silence any part of yourself for your partner is a sure sign of an unhealthy relationship. For instance, a person doesn’t have to hit you or blatantly disrespect you for your relationship to be considered unhealthy. A person might think they are being good to you, but in reality they can only do as much good as they’re capable of. It’s not a slam to anyone, but it’s the reality of dysfunctional relationships. There are so many people struggling with codependency issues and don’t even know it. I know I have for a really long time.

Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also results in symptoms such as low self esteem, people pleasing, poor boundaries, reactivity, caretaking, control, dysfunctional communication, obsessions, dependency, denial, problems with intimacy, and painful emotions.

The most important, longest lasting relationship you’ll ever have in life will be the relationship you have with yourself, Take the time to get to know yourself, love yourself and grow. Because the truth is, no one will ever be able to love you in the ways you need, if you don’t ever learn to love yourself first.

100 random facts about yours truly

1. Showering in the rain. I’ve danced, played, ran and sat in the rain, but my favorite by far is bathing in it. And yes, I mean fully nude, in the comfort of my own home, of course. It really is such a liberating experience. If you haven’t already, you should try it. You’re welcome in advance.

2. New fragrance. New man…I am constantly changing fragrances but after a fall out or break up with a person of the opposite sex, I ALWAYS change my perfume. Sometimes I’ll go back and re-use them, but it’s a rarity. For me, scent is everything and it’s what ties all my memories together. So, if I wore a certain fragrance with or around you AFTER our falling out, just know that it was completely intentional. I’m trying to ruin your life the same way you ruined mine.😜

3. “New Hair” equates to big life changes.

This ties into the fact right above about changing fragrances after a fall out or break up. I’ve had my hair red like Rihanna, blonde like Britney, brunette like Jlo and jet black like Aaliyah. Whether I cut it, dye it, get highlights, get extensions or all over color, the fact remains the same; if my hair has changed in any way, so have my feelings over your importance in my life. I’m in the process of getting over it and you.

4. My obsession with Butterflies

Most people don’t know this, but the name “Vanessa” actually means “butterfly” in Greek. I also love the symbolism of what they represent. Their metamorphosis is incredible because they start out as something small that is often overlooked, and then transform into something beautiful that is constantly looked over. It’s truly amazing. Anyone that knows me associates them with me and that makes me happy. I’ve told my family that the day I’m buried I want hundreds of them released. Death is just another metamorphosis of this life into the vastness of eternity, is it not?

5. I talk to the man in the moon. I’ve done this for as long as I can remember. In my mind, he is the ideal and perfect man, the total manifestation of all my desires and dreams. He’s the one person besides God and Dymalski that knows me best. It’s probably why every other man falls short in comparison to this man in my mind. My imagination is always better than reality.

6. Misconceptions over puberty as a child.

I remember thinking at the age of 5yrs old that once I got older that I’d change internally once I grew up. Everything from my body, to how I filter emotions, my way of thinking and processing feelings was going to evolve. I literally thought I’d transform into an entirely different person with a new personality. In many ways I liked the idea of it, I gladly welcomed it. It made me feel excitement and anticipation for the future. I still love change.

7.  Paying a visit to the past. I always make it a point to practice this habit of remembering how far I’ve come by going back to the places I’ve been. I randomly drive by and sometimes park in front of old homes or apartments I used to live in from different time periods of my life to remind myself to stay focused on the future. Be it good or bad feelings that come up, I embrace them. Even after the darkest storms there is a promise of a rainbow at the end.

8. I had a near death experience which was traumatizing and extremely painful. Death is ugly. I don’t care what anyone says. When the lights start to dim in this life and you begin to fade out into the silence, your mind becomes paralyzed by its own fear. And it’s true what they say. Hearing is the last thing to go. I almost died during childbirth. My firstborn son literally took the life right out of me. I was 19 years old when I had him. I lost half of my blood due to other complications I had while pregnant. My father ended up donating two bags of his blood and I underwent a blood transfusion. It is true when they say “life is in the blood” because without it I was lifeless, and immediately following the transfusion I was brought back to life. I was taken in on a stretcher and left walking out completely healed.

9. I am a true empath. I am an emotional sponge and I absorb any and all feelings around me. I am hypersensitive and intuitive. It’s a blessing and a curse to feel so much. I’m always one of two extremes; completely invested or totally indifferent. I don’t do neutral.

10. Secret diaries. Ive written in journals ever since I could read and write. I’ve kept all of them over the years. But as much as I write, I never have finished one. I think this could be a perfect metaphor for my life. Also I never go back and read them again. Some secrets are better left sealed.

11. I’m a girl in love with love. My first boyfriend was Rance in Kindergarten. The first boy to ever say “I love you” to my face said it when I was in 4th grade. He had written me a poem and gave it to me on the playground. I had stopped liking him weeks prior, but I stayed his “girlfriend” for another few months after his sweet admission. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I told him my parents found out about him and that I had to end it. I was a douchebag because a week later I was “dating” his cousin. Every year after, I had a new boyfriend and best friend. Even then, I got bored easily. This pattern followed me until I graduated from high school.

12. Bring on the underdogs, loners, weirdos, black sheep and outcasts! I am drawn to eccentric people. The more eccentric the better.

13. If I could have a superpower I’d have the ability to fly or be able to breathe under water. Clearly I’m an extremist of sorts.

14. I am a very sexual person. I think as women it’s harder to maneuver through sexuality and what society expects us to be like regarding this. I’m pretty blunt and open when the topic comes up. Whether it’s my parent’s, my boyfriend or friends, I’m straight up when it comes to the birds and the bees.

15. I’ve always been obsessed with vampires and mermaids. I like the fables and legends behind them. Wouldn’t you like eternal youth, immortality, enchanting beauty, super strength or a hypnotic voice?…I do.

16. I am a collector of beautiful things and people. No need to elaborate on that. I think it’s pretty straight forward.

17. I’m a Lover of dark people, places and things. I like twisted poets and abstract art. I don’t usually like to share this part of myself with just anyone because they don’t always get it, but I admire artists and writers daring enough to explore the darker sides of their creativity. Artists like Dali, Van Gogh and Kahlo, showed their versatility by revealing both light and dark aspects of their talents and personalities. As far as writers and poets, I love Edgar Allan Poe, Robert Frost, Lang Leav and Pablo Neruda. Talent isn’t perfect but you can always find beauty in it. I love to read. I adore reading any and everything. Poetry and memoirs are my favorite.

18. I hate ALL carbonated drinks. I prefer my soda and beer flat. Crazy? I know. But I put enough pressure on myself as it is, I don’t need any additional pressure from my damn drinks.

19. I have dual citizenship. Be jealous.

Mexican dual citizenship can be obtained by anyone that was born in the United States of America to Mexican born parents. My dad is from Mexico and my mother is from Phoenix.

20. I’m an avid people watcher. People watching at the park, beach, restaurants, bars and bookstores is my favorite thing to do when I’m off by myself. It also ties into my love of traveling. I adore Seeing another persons way of life from their perspective. I’ve always been an observer of people, habits and patterns of behavior. I don’t care what you do. I just wanna know why you do it.

21. I’d rather go nude. I sleep naked and when I’m home alone, I prefer to be without clothes. If I’m wearing clothes, often times I’ll go without bras or underwear. I guess you could say I hate restrictions, literally and figuratively.

22. I must have been a witch in a past life, I swear. I’m naturally drawn to the supernatural, astrology and the occult. If I wasn’t raised by a Pentecostal pastor I’d be a practicing clairvoyant, living a gypsy lifestyle.

23. I play dumb on purpose. I know more than I often lead on. I have access to any and all information due to my extensive network of friends and family. From police enforcement to lawyers, to doctors, bank heads, creditors, MVD reps and techy professionals. I can literally find out anything about anyone I want to. That’s why I don’t mind it when people underestimate me. You wouldn’t mind either if you could see the cards I’m holding.

24. I relate everything in life to music. It often inspires what I write and how I write. Music is the one thing I could never live without. Music is my therapy. Music is everything to me. I’d go blind before going deaf. My taste in music is super eclectic as well. I can go from listening to Tupac to playing praise and worship to Elvis followed by Shakira then Fleetwood Mac. The genre of music I play at any given time is always a reflection of my mood in that moment.

25. I find androgynous people extremely attractive. Especially androgynous men. A man able to convey the perfect balance of masculinity and femininity in appearance is hard to come by. Think people like, Ruby Rose, Prince, Bowie, Michael Jackson, Beck Holladay, Jared Leto, Erika Linder. With Make up or no make up these people have a unique appeal to them.

26. I shave EVERYDAY because body hair is gross to me. I did this even when I was getting ready to head to the hospital when I was having both babies. If it’s not on my head or my eyelashes, it’s gotta go. Period.

27. I’m a night owl due to my on and off struggles with insomnia. For this reason I can’t stand morning people. Don’t try to have a real discussion with me before 11am. My brain still isn’t up.

28. There’s only one man that I fully trust and it’s not my dad or anyone related to me. In fact we’ve never even dated but he’s by far one of the best guys I’ve ever known and I can tell him any and everything. I trust him explicitly.

29. I have 4 sisters and brother. All of us including my parents have our own birthday month. So August thru January we have someone to celebrate.

30. I need my coffee fix. My absolute favorite coffee ever is Gloria Jeans. Sadly they are only found on the west coast. I settle for Starbucks out of convenience but my preference here in Az is Peixoto, followed by Dutch brothers and The Coffee bean & tea leaf.

31. Eventually I plan to move to California. I haven’t already because of timing, but were it up to me, I would’ve already left a long time ago.

32. Animals and children have always been drawn to me. The feeling is mutual. I’ve always said you can tell a lot about a person who is or isn’t liked by animals or kids.

33. I eloped to Vegas at 19 and was married to my first everything for over 10 years. He made me a mother by 20 and then again at 24. And by the age of 29 I was divorced. And no, before you even think to ask, I don’t regret any of it.

34. I’ve had many romantic gestures done for me throughout the years but my absolute favorite was being serenaded by acoustic guitar in bed by an ex. He sang a song I’d never heard before which was great because it took away the cliche element of the moment. He didn’t know it was the one thing I always dreamed of having a man do for me. It’s happened again since, but nothing compares to that first time.

35. I’m 5’2 and a half. I weigh 125lbs, I have a 27 inch waist and wear a C- cup bra.

36. I hoard letters and birthday cards given to me. I value words more than gifts. Things come and go but words are forever.

37. I hate airplanes, jets, helicopters etc. I love the convenience of them but I absolutely loathe flying. I get super anxious and feel claustrophobic on planes. I think it’s more so not having control over anything that terrifies me most. I’m entrusting my life to someone and something else. And I know the statistics about it being safer to fly than drive..and blah blah blah..but I still despise it.

38. Tattoos. I have 6 tattoos on random places of my body. I don’t regret any one of them and they all bare meaningful significance to me.

39. Some people have a set favorite color but I don’t. I seem to go through phases when I’m more attracted to one over all the others. For the last 3 years it’s been red. I think it speaks volumes about time periods of my life.

40. I don’t really care for expensive jewelry. I’ve been gifted with some incredible pieces throughout my life but I actually prefer costume jewelry over real jewelry. I’ve always had bad luck either breaking it, losing it or having it stolen. My collection of costume jewelry is ridiculous. I don’t have enough room for most of it anymore.

41. I have dozens of nicknames. Whether it’s family or friends, everyone calls me something different. I hate being called by my name by those that know me best. It’s just condescending to me. Like you don’t need to say my name, Carole. I know you’re speaking to me. I’m the only one in the room.

42. I used to bite my nails. Like, really really bad. It was a really destructive habit due to stress and anxiety. I would bite them to the point that they often bled. In order to stop it, I religiously get my acrylic nails done every two weeks. I still find myself putting hand to mouth, but at least I can’t bite them anymore.

43. I struggled with self harming after my divorce/ falling out with a friend a couple years ago. Honestly, I still struggle with cutting but I’m proud to say that I haven’t self harmed in a really long time. It was pretty bad. It came to to a screeching hault the night my best friend walked in on me after I had cut myself, and there was blood everywhere. The look of shock, fear and pain on her face was enough to shake me. That moment was my wake up call and I decided I had hurt enough for others that didn’t care, and I was only hurting those that care for me now. I chose to believe that Jesus’ blood was enough to cover a multitude of sins, so I concluded He didn’t need me to shed anymore of mine.

44. Dual personality. Most people see me as a very outgoing and social person but I also have another side to me that is shy, reserved and withdrawn. I actually prefer being alone rather than being with a bunch of people.

45. I have a journal that my best Friend and I write in and exchange with each other every time we visit. She’s in a different state so it’s a nice thing to have when you wanna talk about things on your mind that you aren’t ready to talk out loud about yet. If that makes sense?

46. I have a bedtime ritual that takes me at least 20mins every night. No matter how tired, sick or intoxicated I may be, I always do it. What’s that all entail?..I’ll save that for another post..

47. I’m weird about always wanting numbers even and having things around me symmetrical. It drives me crazy when it isn’t. I’m OCD about it for sure.

48. I don’t trust people in general but I especially don’t trust men that wear socks or shirts to bed. I feel like they always have something to hide. This of course coming from the girl who prefers to sleep naked.

48. Dark hair, light eyes and olive skin are the physical traits I find most attractive. It’s just the way I’m wired.

49. I think people that get annoyed with the noises others make when they chew or swallow are the most ANAL people ever!! I’ve found only 2 exceptions to this rule, the rest need to remove the stick from up their pretentious asses and check themselves for annoying habits their guilty of as well. This may come as a shock to you, but everyone makes noises when they eat, even you. It’s completely normal.

50. I know within the first few minutes of meeting someone whether or not we’re gonna click. It’s not a judgment thing, it’s a vibe thing. Either we connect on some level or we don’t.

51. I’m terrible with names, like seriously horrible. I can meet someone and within seconds forget their name. It’s strange how I can’t retain names, but I never forget a face.

52. I give everyone a nickname. If you don’t know yours it’s intentional. You don’t know it, but I can promise you, I’ve given you one.

53. I’m a dog person. Unless it’s a tiny kitten, then I don’t want anything to do with it.

54. I like to put milk in my ice cream when I eat a bowl of it at home because it makes me super thirsty.

55. I have many boxes and drawers full of make up that I have categorized by the parts of the face each product is used for. I’m a make up junkie and borderline hoarder when it comes to that.

56. My first language was Spanish. I didn’t speak English until right before starting school.

57. I like to do hour long cardio sessions or longer at the gym. I can completely zone out while getting a deeper understanding on things. I feel like I get my best ideas while on the elliptical.

58. I’m particular about how I like my ice. If I’m drinking whiskey or any other alcohol on the rocks it’s gotta be the big cubes. If I’m drinking water I don’t want ice. If I’m drinking soda I prefer the ice pellets. And yes I’m specific about the brand. I buy my ice from sonic. It’s the best.

59. My dream job as a child was always to be a singer. I used to sneak off to my room and sing my little heart out. When I was 13, my family and I went on a road trip and as we drove in the middle of the night I found myself singing along to my fathers music. That was the first time he heard me sing and it was also the first time I let anyone hear me. The next day I woke up to my father setting up mics, stands and cords. He bought us accompaniment tracks and told us we were set to sing in church that following Sunday. That was the first practice my sisters and I had as a Christian girl group he lovingly named “Torah.” First five books of the Bible to represent the five little girls in the group. We went on to record an album and sing at different churches and festivals for the next 6 years. As tough as things got, I have to say it was the happiest times of my life.

60. My sisters call me a “sniffer” cuz I smell everything…Food, drinks, clothing, people, things.. whatever comes near me. I can also smell out a cavity. Sounds weird but there’s a distinct scent to certain sicknesses, diseases and viruses in the body.

61. My first car was a green convertible mustang. I got it as a gift after I graduated from high school. I didn’t even ask for a car and had no interest in having one because of the added cost and responsibility, but my dad surprised me with it anyway. He took me to the car lot to test drive a few cars and asked which one I wanted and I picked that one. I drove that thing off the lot and straight to my best friends house for a joy ride that lasted all night. I drove anywhere and everywhere and I’ll always got there with the top down.

62. I knocked over a motorcycle in a movie theatre parking lot because i believed it belonged to my sister’s shitty ex-boyfriend. He had done her dirty and I guess my sisterly nature kicked in, literally. #sorryiaintsorry 🍋

63. I used to be a huge Phoenix Suns fan. I followed everything having to do with my NBA team as a young girl, but after they lost to the Chicago bulls aka Michael Jordan, I was so heartbroken that I never was into any sports teams ever again.

64. I’ve been in 3 car accidents, all of which were not my fault. I know everyone says that but it’s true. I got rear ended each time. The last time was two days ago and my car was totaled. I’ve dodged death yet again. I’m just happy I’m alive because my injuries could’ve been much worse.

65. I don’t like sour, tart or hard candies. I hate dark chocolate too. I’m simple with my sweets. Chocolate chip, vanilla or milk chocolate is just fine by me.

66. My favorite sodas are Dr. Pepper and Pepsi. I don’t do diet or root beer.

67. The only sweetener I use is sweet n’ low. I don’t like anything else and yes, I heard it causes cancer.

68. I keep my fan on high year round. I can’t sleep without my artificial air. People think I’m crazy but I need my bedroom pitch black, silent and freezing cold to be able to sleep.

69. I’ve been sleeping alone for almost 4 years now but I still only sleep on “my side” of the bed. Which if you’re facing my bed, it’s the left side. I have 10 pillows currently on it, but only use 4 pillows to sleep with each night. I’m bad and bougie in that way, I guess.

70. I wear a night guard every night. I’m a worrier and it affects me even in my sleep because apparently I grind my teeth due to stress. Hot fact, I know.

71. Here’s a fun question to ask yourself or others around you, “If I had to bury a body how many people would help me bury it?”..well for me I have over a handful of people that I could go to that would help me, no questions asked. Not many people can say the same. Can you? I’m blessed with incredibly loyal people that love me more than I deserve. Crazy asses. 😂

72. I’ve dreamt of heaven and hell in extreme detail. Both dreams left me heavily depressed and overwhelmingly emotional. One day I’ll write about it all and share it with the world but for now, “I keep my visions to myself”

73. I’ve attended over two dozens funerals in my life. And most were people I had close relationships with. It’s more than most will witness in their lifetime. I’ve sang, spoken and eulogized many of them. The hardest was my best friend’s funeral in 2007. I helped them do her hair and make up. Then I wrote and read her eulogy at her funeral service.

74. I’ve met Abraham Quintanilla, the father of the beloved tejano star, Selena. We took a trip to Corpus Christie, as a family to visit the singers museum and gravesite. My dad introduced us then slipped him our album and tried to convince him to sign us. Abraham wasn’t into marketing Christian music and thought us too young for a record label contract. I was 14 or 15 at the time, my youngest sister was 7. Mr. Quintanilla was probably right. Still, it was a pretty cool experience.

75. I hate anything grape flavored. Drinks, medicine or candy. It’s nasty and reminds me of when I was sick as a kid and I had to drink cough syrup or dimetap.

76. I still wish on shooting stars..even if science says their actually just dust and rocks.

77. I’ve been heartbroken more times than I can count but somehow I’m always able to rise above it and love in spite of it.

78. I’ve fallen in love more times than I’ll ever admit to.

79. Wrinkled shirts on men drive me crazy! Just give it to me and let me iron it!

80. I play favorites. Anyone who says they don’t is a liar.

81. Gay men love me and I adore them. I feel most comfortable talking about anything with gay men. Plus they have the best opinions on men, fashion and music. I’m all about living YOUR truth not MINE.

82. Sade is baby making music. Don’t argue with me on this.

83. If it sparkles or shines..I want it. Whether it’s food, people or clothes, I don’t care.

84. I’m super impulsive as a person, but when it comes to making a serious decision I’m the kind of woman that stays set in her ways. If I leave I’m gone and I’ll never come back. I promise. Just ask any of my exes.

85. When I was younger I attracted older men and now that I’m older I attract the younger guys. This will probably piss off a lot of people…but I feel like now, when it comes to having something real or long lasting, my preference would be an older man. I’ve learned that men under 30 are still too immature, fickle and inconsistent. They rarely have enough life experience or knowledge to know how to build a stable foundation based on fidelity and trust.

86. I am the first to apologize..every time for everything..and I openly admit it. I value people more than I value my pride or being right.

87. I love to cook. I prefer being left alone to do it so I can listen to oldies while making up the recipes as I go.

88. I like to strike up conversations with strangers while I’m on vacation in new or different places and talk about deeply personal subjects. I find it rather eye opening to hear the opinions of people who have no emotional attachments or investment in me, my issues or situations. Strangers can be 100% honest with you because they have no reason to lie or make judgments about you. And if they do, you never have to worry about seeing them again.

89. I hate shopping malls or overcrowded department stores, but I can spend hours in a bookstore, or vintage thrift shop.

90. I hate scary movies. Really, I just hate being scared. Also I can’t handle rape scenes or scenes where animals or children are being abused. Movies today take it way too far.

91. I’m an organ donor. I’ve witnessed the benefits for other families and I decided a long time ago that I wanted to be part of that.

92. I don’t watch the news. I stopped over a decade ago because I found the media to be too corrupt and full of negativity. All it ever did was depress me. And honestly, anything of real importance can be found in the paper.

93. My zodiac sign is libra and according to astrology, it is considered a masculine and Cardinal sign. My element is air. My October birthstone is Opal and Tourmaline, which comes in a rainbow of different colors. In Chinese astrology I was born in the year of the rat.

94. I’ve never had major surgery or broken a bone. *knock on wood*

95. I love museums of art and history. I can spend hours alone admiring each exhibit, or in the company of someone just as appreciative and intrigued as I am.

96. I’m late to everything. I intend to be late to my own funeral. It’ll be written into my will.

97. The first thing I hear in the morning is

also the last thing I hear at night..music.

98. I prefer variety in everything. For example I have 5 different face washes, 4 sets of shampoo and conditioners, 3 razors and 4 body washes currently in my shower.

99. If I could go back to any age I’d choose to go back to 17.

100. I love my two babies more than anything in this world. I’d happily lay down my life for them and fight any battle on their behalf. They are the only thing I did perfectly right in this world and no one will ever treasure, love or protect them as I do. I found my purpose, anchor and greatest love of all in the eyes of my beautiful children. Any blessing after having them is just icing on the cake.

Just like Halsey, I’m bad at love

“Got a boy back home in Michigan
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I remember your whiskey kisses, your eager hands and cat like green eyes. You loved having my scent all over you throughout the day, wearing the same shirts to work that I’d worn the night before. You bought my favorite shampoo and body wash as a means of convincing me to stay those late nights and it worked on a few random occasions. I liked the way your Armani cologne lingered on my skin and how even up until today whenever I smell it, I can still feel the stubble of your 5 o clock shadow nestling its way into the softness of my neck. You were never a man of many words and I was never one for lengthy explanations so I guess the way it ended was inevitable. Months later I’d receive numerous drunk phone texts and voicemails from you apologizing for leaving so much left unsaid between us. You told me that you went to my secret place in the desert where I once took you. You played my beloved, Stevie Nicks the entire drive and reminisced over the conversations we shared beneath the stars those summer nights. You said you tried recreating those moments on your own, but somehow the stars just didn’t seem to burn as bright after I’d left. Days became weeks and weeks turned into months before you’d set out to find me again and by that time it was too late, the once open doorway to my heart was now locked shut. Time brought you clarity while it permitted me the space to move on. I can’t deny that even after all this time I sometimes find myself looking up at the stars they way we used to, questioning where you are, if you’re happy and wondering who now lays on my side of the bed. I still miss those whiskey kisses and can’t deny that yours are still the sweetest lips I’ve ever tasted.

Buy Clonazepam Next Day Delivery Buy Phentermine Online Us Pharmacy “There’s a guy that lives in a garden state
And he told me that we make it ’til we graduate
So I told him the music would be worth the wait
But he wants me in the kitchen with a dinner plate..”

I grew up with you and you knew me throughout all my awkward stages. You were the first guy to tell me you loved me. Back then I was way too young to realize what that meant, but more specifically what that meant being loved by someone like you. I’m sorry your intensity and passion scared me, I understand now what I couldn’t then. I admit I lost track of time and my purpose, but you wanted a commitment right when I was trying to focus all my energy into the music and finding my own way. I couldn’t give you what you needed. I couldn’t be the girl you first fell in love with. I didn’t want to be your muse, I wanted to find one of my very own that I could sing for and write about. I was honest with you about my feelings but you refused to accept them. Looking back now, I see that even though it wasn’t the same, I loved you in my own special way and I know you felt that. It’s probably what gave you hope and made you stay for so long. You will always be the guy that makes my heart skip a beat and the face I’ll look for in any crowd, because you found me long before I ever found myself. I know you wanted to be selfish with me at a time that I wanted the world. Ironically, only three years later I’d fall helplessly in love with him. It wasn’t long before he’d discover all the love letters you’d written and later guilt me into throwing away. I’ll be honest and say, I cried many nights over you and for you. You deserved so much more even though I don’t think you ever found it. I was told years later that you’d found out about my elopement through mutual friends. I still blame myself for not going to you that night and I regret never saying goodbye when I had the chance. No one ever had to tell me directly, but I know I am the reason you continue to stay away.

http://kurtlancaster.com/robots.txt Cheap Valium In The Uk “I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe
That we’re meant to be
But jealousy, jealousy, jealousy, jealousy
Get the best of me
Look, I don’t mean to frustrate, but I
Always make the same mistakes, yeah I
Always make the same mistakes ’cause
I’m bad at love
But you can’t blame me for tryin’
You know I’d be lyin’ sayin’
You were the one
That could finally fix me
Lookin’ at my history
I’m bad at love”

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My once upon a time. My first love. My only everything. My memory of you will always be in love with the innocence of who I was. Loving you made me into the woman I am and since you, I haven’t felt anything close to the magnitude of passion or attraction I had with and for you. I was so in love with you, obsessed with you, fixated and devoted only to you for over 12 years. All the men since you have remained in your shadow, never able to wash out your memory or your mark. I’ll always remember our passion filled nights that turned into early mornings. I was addicted to your touch, your intensity and intricate mind. I was the magnet and you were steel. And being honest, I don’t think I’ll ever feel again anything close to what I felt for you. Getting over others has been made easy, because losing you taught me that I have the love and strength within myself to overcome anything. I know I can and I will love again one day, but it’ll be in different ways. I’ve stopped trying to change the facts of our history and I’ve quit denying the importance your existence had in my life for so long. I found myself in the storm and my rainbow in my healing. I’m comforted to know you’ve found happiness again and I’ve made peace with the past; a past that has made clear her victory…by default.

Generic For Ambien 10 Mg “Got a girl with California eyes
And I thought that she could really be the one this time
But I never got the chance to make her mine
Because she fell in love with little thin white lines”

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Familiar, dark and wild were the aspects of our personalities that drew us into one another. I met you at a very difficult time in my life, while yours was in transition as well. It all feels like a blur now in comparison to how we first began. From complete sobriety to drunken nights, dabbling in the substances we promised we would never touch again, to setting men’s hearts on fire to distract us from our own pain. We became a force of nature, destroying anything in our path. Your love became possessive while mine remained detached and carefree. We lived in different extremes in those two years, but now times have changed. You do more damage than good these days, but in your own twisted way you still try to show me you care. I’ll always care even it’s from a distance. It’s just in my nature and you’ll do what’s in your nature and self destruct. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss the girl you used to be or the version of you I once loved.

Buy Discount Xanax Online Buy Valium Paypal Uk “London girl with an attitude
We never told no one but we look so cute
Both got way better things to do
But I always think about it when I’m riding through

I met you at a party and clicked with you right away. It felt natural to go along with your advances but I didn’t realize you were playing for keeps. You pursued me harder than any man had, and I know you felt betrayed when I couldn’t reciprocate the same emotions. You showed me how to accept people for what they are and not try to rationalize why they do or don’t do things. You told me about all your tattoos and confessed your darkest secrets to me because you said I made you feel safe. I still laugh when I remember how you told me that I needed a woman’s love, because no man would ever be enough. Truth is, the only love and acceptance I ever needed was my own.

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It’s crazy how just one song can take me back in time to a certain person or place in my past. I don’t regret anyone of you. You helped mold me into the woman I am. Keep the pieces of me I gave you, and I’ll forever stow away the love and memories you gave me.

“You know I’m bad at love, but you can’t blame me for trying.”

To whoever dares to love me,

Dear loved one,

I know this letter is bound to upset you, but I’d like to apologize for it in advance. Bare with me as I shed my skin and reveal my truest self. I guess the best way to put it to you, would be to say, I am a mess. And when I say “a mess” I don’t mean the kind you can ignore and simply sweep under the rug and be done with. I’m the kind of mess that hoards piles of unresolved issues in any and every dark place you can imagine. I hide them from my own self, but I hide them especially from you. I prefer to show you the softer side of my personality, to keep you from the ugliness that lies beneath.

It’s safe to say that I am a roller coaster of emotions because I possess this innate ability to feel everything so much more than the next person. Luckily for you, this will work in your favor because I will be able to love you unconditionally and uniquely, the love I give, I guarantee you; you will find nowhere else. No one will think of you more or consider your feelings more than I do. No one will protect you, comfort you and console you in the unspoken ways I only know how. No one will be as consumed with you and your emotions than I am. When you are with me, I will make you the center of my universe and you’ll feel that. I would willing subject myself to any negative situation or thing, just to ensure you never shed a tear. You’ll hurt me often, but I’ll never show it or hold it against you. In all your imperfections you will be absolutely perfect to me. Understand that this “superpower” to love greatly comes at a great cost, and in turn I have suffered because it is also my greatest weakness. It makes me prone to dark moods, physical sickness, random bouts of heightened anxiety and prolonged depression. I am literally drained mentally, physically and emotionally whenever I leave you because regardless of what I’m feeling I will give you all of me, even if that is barely anything at all. I will save nothing for myself because your happiness brings me true joy. Every sacrifice comes with a price, and I’ll usually be the one to foot the bill. I can’t help it, it’s my nature and belief. As hard as I’ve tried to “put myself first,” I cant, just as sure as I can’t convince you to believe the sky is red.

Sometimes I won’t be able to cry and other times I’ll cry too much. I’ll have a smile on my face regardless of which mood I’m in, because I never want to worry you. I am like a person with chronic physical pain, I am always hurting, but only internally. I’m silently carrying the weight of the world and its problems all on my own. I am the one that needs saving, but I’m the first to lend a hand when everything else is falling apart. Helping you and being there for you is my calling and without it I feel as if I’ve lost my purpose. I am so heavily invested in you, even if I fail to show it at all times. You’re in my heart, prayers, thoughts and dreams. You’re precious and irreplaceable to me.

I should also tell you that I am indecisive and fickle about everything. I go back and forth with my feelings and thoughts because I am someone who over analyzes and dwells on experiences. I do it as a means of understanding myself and others.  I thirst for understanding and knowledge. I’m either completely indifferent or totally consumed. Its not in my DNA to be in between. I am very secretive, but it’s mostly my fault, because I can’t open up. I gave everything to a best friend that died prematurely and to an addictive ex that took complete advantage of me. Growing up, my father paid very little attention to me unless he was angry. I never heard kind words from my dad nor was he ever affectionate. I learned very early on that the only person i can fully depend on is myself. So I tend to omit and shut down a lot.

Secrets make you sick and I have more secrets than you could ever imagine. Please know I never mean to manipulate you under any circumstance. I come across insincere or chameleon like, because I truly long to be whatever person you need me to be whenever I am around you. Setting myself aside isn’t a choice, it’s the way I’m wired. I never want to hurt or disappoint you, so sometimes I omit my own truths to spare you unnecessary worry. Trust me when I say, I worry and stress enough for the both of us.

I know you love me, but be aware that I will test that love all the time.  As much as I have faith in you and your abilities I have even more faith in myself to somehow fuck it up. I constantly wonder if I am enough or not enough for you. I’ll have moments of weakness and be unable to compose myself but don’t worry, I’ll figure it out on my own because you can’t help. Not really, so don’t exhaust yourself trying. Best bet is to just be there for me and hug me when I fall apart. If I let you see this side of me know that this is the closest you will ever be able to get to me. It will go no further because I can’t give more than that to anyone anymore. I’ll shut down and deflect. I hate even the idea of vulnerability, let alone vulnerability itself.

I have lots of abandonment issues and where it stems from I’m not quite sure. All I know is that those scars are there and I find myself waiting for that other shoe to drop constantly in every friendship and relationship. It’s not really you that I don’t trust, it’s more so me. I know myself best and I realize how defective and tarnished I am. I have been through things I’ll never speak of aloud. My self esteem and confidence is down to nothing, so it won’t matter how often or how much you sing my praises, I won’t hear them. I struggle with self hatred. I always have.

That takes me to the other bad habits I have that you’ll try to discourage me from. Sometimes I drink to forget and other times I drink to actually feel. I’m not an addict, but i can be codependent at times. I also have this problem with cutting whenever I feel too out of control, overwhelmed, ashamed or angry with life or myself. I guess it’s my way of punishing myself because I was abused growing up. The last time my father attacked me I was 19. I came home too late and he met me at the front door with a belt. I have never been so terrified in all my life. I vaguely remember the disgusting names he called me as I begged him to stop. I rationalized his outburst and still feel as if I brought that upon myself. Really, I should’ve known better.

For that reason and many others, I do not trust men. They have cheated, lied, damaged, broken and abused me in every way possible and abandoned me emotionally. Men as a whole almost feel like my captors, so this only invokes a greater need to flee or escape. They couldn’t possibly understand these inner demons I fight daily and chances are they probably would just leave like the rest. They think I am stronger than I am and they throw punches that feel like they were meant for giants. Instead of being on the same platform they have put me down and sized me up. In every instance I have failed and not been enough. I have not loved hard enough, forgiven enough or believed enough, so in turn their faults have fallen on me.

Because of all my childhood issues, I have this undying need for constant affection and attention, yet I’m constantly rejecting and pushing everyone away. I confuse and annoy people because they never know where they stand with me and the reason is because I don’t know either. I’m sure this probably goes back to the conditional and abusive love I knew even in friendships. My best friend in grade school was the big sister I never had, until one night at a sleepover I awoke to her molesting me. I pushed her off and left to be alone in the open living room. I didn’t want to tell or call my parents because I assumed that maybe I had done something to give her the impression that I wanted more. I blocked out the memory and went about life as if it never happened. I carried that shame and still do. This is why when you find yourself growing close to me, I’ll unexpectedly go M.I.A. As much as I love close bonds, they have this profound ability to mentally break me down and emotionally destroy me. I don’t want to be too open again and I don’t want to make someone believe I’m willing to give something I’m not.

I know you’ll scold me for this, but to me, sex is a physical act and not an emotional connection anymore. One reason I feel this was is because the night my sister was raped I looked into the eyes of the man who destroyed her. He was cold and soulless, and for the exception of his breath, it’s hard to imagine he even had a heart. He went in and stole my sister’s purity and I left believing sex was something tangible that could be taken away at any given moment. I know you’ll try to tell me It wasn’t my fault, but it doesn’t matter what words of consolation you’ll use, I am damaged because of it. She never again was the same and I haven’t been either. I won’t talk about it and I’ll never bring it up. It hurts too badly to remember the monster, it’s hard to separate that from every other man. Along with my theories of sex, my ex often withheld it from me for various reasons, one mainly being his inability to get hard because of all the pain killers he was snorting or smoking. I was so unaware and because of that, I came to believe that he didn’t want me sexually because I was so undesirable. I starved myself and worked out 2 times a day to get as small as possible. I wore more provocative clothes and made sure to always go to bed in something sexy that would grab his attention. It worked for a short time but then he went back to his old patterns. I took diet pills and felt like a sex toy he could just take out and use when he wanted and put back when he didn’t. He rejected me on tons of occasions and finally I stopped asking. I cried myself to sleep hundreds of nights praying for a different existence. It seemed as though every other man could see me but him. All the attention made me feel dirty and I avoided going out as much as possible. I was desperate for love and attention but instead I was ignored and resented. I changed my hair so many times and even got colored contacts to drastically change my outer appearance. It didn’t matter though, the woman underneath it all was still me. I know you’ll read this and try to convince me of a kind of beauty I have, but I’m telling you don’t bother. It will go in one ear and out the other. I wear an image and it is intended to keep people off my back. Deep down I’m still that insecure girl from grade school pretending not to be scared. You wouldn’t know it though because I was the center of attention, the outspoken student and the outgoing friend. I put others at ease but internally I was at odds with myself. I hoped one day to grow out of it but the wounds only deepened. Cuts became canyons and tears became rivers. I lost myself in all the wreckage, but you would’ve never known I was so miserable unless i told you.

I know that I am more than you expected and more twisted than I seemed, but I hope in telling you all this, you’ll somehow feel comforted by your efforts to reach me. I see you more than you see me. I pray for you and want nothing but good things for you. Just don’t give up on me, okay? I’m trying to get better and learn new ways of coping. I don’t want to be fixed, I just want to be loved and even when my actions don’t reflect that don’t lose heart. Every effort is helping me find that next step to faith and self discovery all over again. Thank you for loving me in all the unique ways you all do. I appreciate you and love you so much!

Thanks for always listening.

xoxo,

Nessa

Why I sleep naked.

 

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I like to sleep naked. When other people are around I prefer to wander the house in just an oversized t-shirt and underwear. When it comes to bedtime habits I like having the doors locked and being left to my vices so I can let my mind wander. I’m back to having to take sleep meds to help me turn my mind off at night. I feel like I sleep best when I’m all alone. Don’t get me wrong, there is a certain level of comfort and peace I have felt when I share my bed with someone I care about, but it is very different from the peace I find when I’m left alone.

I’m a very temperamental person when it comes to my sleeping routine, habits and patterns. I can’t fall asleep with lovers or be held all night. I always end up leaving or pushing them away. I feel frustration with how cold I can be when it comes to the way I sleep. I take my space and I don’t ask for it. If there is one aspect of life that I am completely selfish with it is this. Maybe I haven’t allowed another man to really hold me because I can feel their insincerity? Most of the time I push or go because I don’t feel safe being vulnerable in that way with anyone.

I can’t do spontaneous nights at random friends homes because I can never enter into deep sleep. I could be dragging from sleep deprivation and totally inebriated but still can’t sleep. I’ll lie in the stillness of the room and withdraw inward, turning cold to everything around me. All it does is make me want to run back to my accustomed surroundings because my anxiety won’t let me find rest if I don’t have all my familiar things around me. I need complete silence and utter darkness to drift off into my dreams. I have to have all my doors locked and the fan blowing full blast, regardless of what time of year it is. I need multiple blankets along with a overabundance of pillows. I literally sleep in a little fort I make around myself to keep anything or anyone from touching me. No T.V, no clothes, No distractions…And especially nobody.

It’s sad but I wasn’t always this way. The person I was before needed another body beside her to feel “safe”.  I found familiarity in the noise and chaos. I was more than willing to give up my wants to accommodate the needs of whoever I layed beside, just to ensure I had somebody sleeping next to me. I couldn’t bare the thought of being alone let alone going to bed alone. I needed the goodnight affection and attention while timidly hiding my insecurities underneath baggy clothes. I hated the idea of solitude. I also hated the idea of feeling suffocated so I routinely had the doors wide open.

It’s clear that a lot has changed in the last few years and tonight as I went about my nightly regiment of showering and preparing for bed, it dawned on me how far removed I have indisputably become from the person I once was for so many years.

It doesn’t take a shrink or therapist to see the meaning behind the drastic differences. I often joke and say it’s because I’m a “libra” and shift from one extreme to the other constantly, but no zodiac explanation could have prepared me for such a unforeseen shift of feelings and habits. The answer is blatantly clear to me and it scares me. I have grown to love my solitude so much more than anyone’s company. I’ve grown to love the nothingness more than anyone. I’ve pushed everything and everyone away subconsciously and emotionally. I’ve succeeded in hiding my truest self away from the world. It is evident in my behaviors and the reality is painfully obvious.

I am terrified of true intimacy with anyone or anything. I shut the world out and refuse to allow anyone to see me in my most vulnerable state. For me the most “exposed” would be allowing someone truly into my mind, my bedroom, my routines. It is only here in my safe haven that I allow myself to completely let my guard down, remove the clothes, the make up, the facade and allow myself to act, feel and express myself in whatever manner I deem fit at any given moment. Here in my little den of secrets I write, I sing, I reflect, I cry, I read, I laugh, I dwell, I reminisce, I love, I miss, I mourn, I dread, and I release when left alone. I refuse to let anyone really in physically, emotionally and mentally. I have not given myself fully or willingly to another and truly I have no desire to do so. I often feel bad about this fact but it doesn’t make any of my feelings any less true. No man, no woman, no thing, knows me completely and I have to say, I like it this way.

Some know certain secrets, emotions, thoughts, feelings and habits but not one person knows everything about me. I mean, how could they? I don’t let anyone in entirely. I am a hoarder of secrets and a teller of white lies. I abhor discord and confrontation so I keep a lot of hurt and pain to myself. I even have tangible and intangible things hidden all about my room that even if I died tomorrow not one person would be able to find or be able to comprehend every single little secret. I prefer to remain an attractive illusion, an unsolved mystery, a world of unpredictability to the people that surround me. Here in my tower of mysteries I am safe and unknown, still detected but unable to be defined. I’ve succeeded at shutting out the world but in doing so I have isolated myself completely from the love of self or of anyone else who could really change any of that.

For example, when I explained all this to my counselor she half laughed and then proceeded to ask me if I knew why she gave me such a odd reaction. I had no answer, so I just gazed back at her puzzled. When I finally asked her why she went on to say, “Of all my patients I have to say you’re probably the one that bewilders me and fascinates me the most. You have so many layers and hidden doors within the person you are. You’re truly an enigma, Vanessa. A total paradox and as much as it may frustrate the world, it is because of this truth that you are also so captivating and so irresistibly lovable.” I sat there for what felt like forever in silence until I finally responded by telling her how saddened that made me feel to hear that…

She tends to think I’m too hard on myself and can only see the goodness in others but never in myself. But I was being truthful when I said I hated being so complicated.. and I’ll tell you why.

I have wished my entire life to be like everyone else and just be content with whatever was handed to me. But I have never been able to adapt or change the fundamentals, my heart and morals of who I am. I have mastered the art of being a chameleon but at the end of the day I will always forgive, always love, always care. This is my true nature and how I was created and regardless of the offenses done to me I will wish nothing but good things for those that love or hate me. I may be an “enigma” but I am an enigma with a genuine heart. If I cared once, I still do and will forever. This is the essence of the beast inside of me. This is the pendulum that swings back in forth through my mind and this in itself is why I find myself in such a constant state of unhappiness. I understand when others say that “happiness” and “moving forward” is a choice, and it is to an extent, but what they fail to understand about me is that I am different from whatever version or idea of me they have in their head. I’m still the insecure little girl seeking nothing but love and approval from everyone around her. I crave acceptance and understanding more than anything in this world, so If I have to sacrifice myself to accommodate others by sharing or not sharing parts of myself to spare others I do it.

I do see how trying to please everyone can be confused for “manipulation”, questioned intentions or being “fake,” but if people could stare straight into the intentions of my heart, they would see that I am not a bad person that seeks ill will toward anyone. I just want to love people for who and what they are, while having that same love and acceptance given to me in return. My problem is that I will never ask for it, not openly at least. Instead I’ll try to show it by sacrificing my feelings or emotions for another’s peace and happiness. I do unto others what I hope they would be willing to do unto me. But that rarely is possible. Still I can’t be happy if those I am with are unhappy. What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is still yours as well. I don’t ask out of fear. I don’t ask because I feel like I am asking too much and maybe it’s because I am too much. This is why I give out small unique pieces of myself to those I genuinely love and care for, catered to meet them and their needs. Nothing makes me happier than bringing joy to others…but nothing hurts me more than having to hide or suppress parts of myself to accommodate whoever I am with at any given moment.

I guess I hope that if you take anything from my rambling thoughts or conundrum of emotions and explanations, it’s this..

Just like everyone else on this planet, I too have “skeletons in my closet.” but that isn’t the problem. My issue is that instead of the “skeletons” just being secrets and regrets from the past, the true skeleton in the closet is actually me.

 

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