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To whoever dares to love me,

Dear loved one,

I know this letter is bound to upset you, but I’d like to apologize for it in advance. Bare with me as I shed my skin and reveal my truest self. I guess the best way to put it to you, would be to say, I am a mess. And when I say “a mess” I don’t mean the kind you can ignore and simply sweep under the rug and be done with. I’m the kind of mess that hoards piles of unresolved issues in any and every dark place you can imagine. I hide them from my own self, but I hide them especially from you. I prefer to show you the softer side of my personality, to keep you from the ugliness that lies beneath.

It’s safe to say that I am a roller coaster of emotions because I possess this innate ability to feel everything so much more than the next person. Luckily for you, this will work in your favor because I will be able to love you unconditionally and uniquely, the love I give, I guarantee you; you will find nowhere else. No one will think of you more or consider your feelings more than I do. No one will protect you, comfort you and console you in the unspoken ways I only know how. No one will be as consumed with you and your emotions than I am. When you are with me, I will make you the center of my universe and you’ll feel that. I would willing subject myself to any negative situation or thing, just to ensure you never shed a tear. You’ll hurt me often, but I’ll never show it or hold it against you. In all your imperfections you will be absolutely perfect to me. Understand that this “superpower” to love greatly comes at a great cost, and in turn I have suffered because it is also my greatest weakness. It makes me prone to dark moods, physical sickness, random bouts of heightened anxiety and prolonged depression. I am literally drained mentally, physically and emotionally whenever I leave you because regardless of what I’m feeling I will give you all of me, even if that is barely anything at all. I will save nothing for myself because your happiness brings me true joy. Every sacrifice comes with a price, and I’ll usually be the one to foot the bill. I can’t help it, it’s my nature and belief. As hard as I’ve tried to “put myself first,” I cant, just as sure as I can’t convince you to believe the sky is red.

http://aquobex.com/18.html Sometimes I won’t be able to cry and other times I’ll cry too much. I’ll have a smile on my face regardless of which mood I’m in, because I never want to worry you. I am like a person with chronic physical pain, I am always hurting, but only internally. I’m silently carrying the weight of the world and its problems all on my own. I am the one that needs saving, but I’m the first to lend a hand when everything else is falling apart. Helping you and being there for you is my calling and without it I feel as if I’ve lost my purpose. I am so heavily invested in you, even if I fail to show it at all times. You’re in my heart, prayers, thoughts and dreams. You’re precious and irreplaceable to me.

Cheap Ambient Reverb Pedal I should also tell you that I am indecisive and fickle about everything. I go back and forth with my feelings and thoughts because I am someone who over analyzes and dwells on experiences. I do it as a means of understanding myself and others.  I thirst for understanding and knowledge. I’m either completely indifferent or totally consumed. Its not in my DNA to be in between. I am very secretive, but it’s mostly my fault, because I can’t open up. I gave everything to a best friend that died prematurely and to an addictive ex that took complete advantage of me. Growing up, my father paid very little attention to me unless he was angry. I never heard kind words from my dad nor was he ever affectionate. I learned very early on that the only person i can fully depend on is myself. So I tend to omit and shut down a lot.

http://thesoussegroup.com/the-plaza-irvine/the-plaza-irvine-properties-sold/ Secrets make you sick and I have more secrets than you could ever imagine. Please know I never mean to manipulate you under any circumstance. I come across insincere or chameleon like, because I truly long to be whatever person you need me to be whenever I am around you. Setting myself aside isn’t a choice, it’s the way I’m wired. I never want to hurt or disappoint you, so sometimes I omit my own truths to spare you unnecessary worry. Trust me when I say, I worry and stress enough for the both of us.

Buying Diazepam In Bali I know you love me, but be aware that I will test that love all the time.  As much as I have faith in you and your abilities I have even more faith in myself to somehow fuck it up. I constantly wonder if I am enough or not enough for you. I’ll have moments of weakness and be unable to compose myself but don’t worry, I’ll figure it out on my own because you can’t help. Not really, so don’t exhaust yourself trying. Best bet is to just be there for me and hug me when I fall apart. If I let you see this side of me know that this is the closest you will ever be able to get to me. It will go no further because I can’t give more than that to anyone anymore. I’ll shut down and deflect. I hate even the idea of vulnerability, let alone vulnerability itself.

http://kokannews.org/?p=475 I have lots of abandonment issues and where it stems from I’m not quite sure. All I know is that those scars are there and I find myself waiting for that other shoe to drop constantly in every friendship and relationship. It’s not really you that I don’t trust, it’s more so me. I know myself best and I realize how defective and tarnished I am. I have been through things I’ll never speak of aloud. My self esteem and confidence is down to nothing, so it won’t matter how often or how much you sing my praises, I won’t hear them. I struggle with self hatred. I always have.

That takes me to the other bad habits I have that you’ll try to discourage me from. Sometimes I drink to forget and other times I drink to actually feel. I’m not an addict, but i can be codependent at times. I also have this problem with cutting whenever I feel too out of control, overwhelmed, ashamed or angry with life or myself. I guess it’s my way of punishing myself because I was abused growing up. The last time my father attacked me I was 19. I came home too late and he met me at the front door with a belt. I have never been so terrified in all my life. I vaguely remember the disgusting names he called me as I begged him to stop. I rationalized his outburst and still feel as if I brought that upon myself. Really, I should’ve known better.

http://kurtlancaster.com/tag/jake-garn/feed/ For that reason and many others, I do not trust men. They have cheated, lied, damaged, broken and abused me in every way possible and abandoned me emotionally. Men as a whole almost feel like my captors, so this only invokes a greater need to flee or escape. They couldn’t possibly understand these inner demons I fight daily and chances are they probably would just leave like the rest. They think I am stronger than I am and they throw punches that feel like they were meant for giants. Instead of being on the same platform they have put me down and sized me up. In every instance I have failed and not been enough. I have not loved hard enough, forgiven enough or believed enough, so in turn their faults have fallen on me.

Because of all my childhood issues, I have this undying need for constant affection and attention, yet I’m constantly rejecting and pushing everyone away. I confuse and annoy people because they never know where they stand with me and the reason is because I don’t know either. I’m sure this probably goes back to the conditional and abusive love I knew even in friendships. My best friend in grade school was the big sister I never had, until one night at a sleepover I awoke to her molesting me. I pushed her off and left to be alone in the open living room. I didn’t want to tell or call my parents because I assumed that maybe I had done something to give her the impression that I wanted more. I blocked out the memory and went about life as if it never happened. I carried that shame and still do. This is why when you find yourself growing close to me, I’ll unexpectedly go M.I.A. As much as I love close bonds, they have this profound ability to mentally break me down and emotionally destroy me. I don’t want to be too open again and I don’t want to make someone believe I’m willing to give something I’m not.

I know you’ll scold me for this, but to me, sex is a physical act and not an emotional connection anymore. One reason I feel this was is because the night my sister was raped I looked into the eyes of the man who destroyed her. He was cold and soulless, and for the exception of his breath, it’s hard to imagine he even had a heart. He went in and stole my sister’s purity and I left believing sex was something tangible that could be taken away at any given moment. I know you’ll try to tell me It wasn’t my fault, but it doesn’t matter what words of consolation you’ll use, I am damaged because of it. She never again was the same and I haven’t been either. I won’t talk about it and I’ll never bring it up. It hurts too badly to remember the monster, it’s hard to separate that from every other man. Along with my theories of sex, my ex often withheld it from me for various reasons, one mainly being his inability to get hard because of all the pain killers he was snorting or smoking. I was so unaware and because of that, I came to believe that he didn’t want me sexually because I was so undesirable. I starved myself and worked out 2 times a day to get as small as possible. I wore more provocative clothes and made sure to always go to bed in something sexy that would grab his attention. It worked for a short time but then he went back to his old patterns. I took diet pills and felt like a sex toy he could just take out and use when he wanted and put back when he didn’t. He rejected me on tons of occasions and finally I stopped asking. I cried myself to sleep hundreds of nights praying for a different existence. It seemed as though every other man could see me but him. All the attention made me feel dirty and I avoided going out as much as possible. I was desperate for love and attention but instead I was ignored and resented. I changed my hair so many times and even got colored contacts to drastically change my outer appearance. It didn’t matter though, the woman underneath it all was still me. I know you’ll read this and try to convince me of a kind of beauty I have, but I’m telling you don’t bother. It will go in one ear and out the other. I wear an image and it is intended to keep people off my back. Deep down I’m still that insecure girl from grade school pretending not to be scared. You wouldn’t know it though because I was the center of attention, the outspoken student and the outgoing friend. I put others at ease but internally I was at odds with myself. I hoped one day to grow out of it but the wounds only deepened. Cuts became canyons and tears became rivers. I lost myself in all the wreckage, but you would’ve never known I was so miserable unless i told you.

I know that I am more than you expected and more twisted than I seemed, but I hope in telling you all this, you’ll somehow feel comforted by your efforts to reach me. I see you more than you see me. I pray for you and want nothing but good things for you. Just don’t give up on me, okay? I’m trying to get better and learn new ways of coping. I don’t want to be fixed, I just want to be loved and even when my actions don’t reflect that don’t lose heart. Every effort is helping me find that next step to faith and self discovery all over again. Thank you for loving me in all the unique ways you all do. I appreciate you and love you so much!

Thanks for always listening.

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An open letter

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http://kurtlancaster.com/wordpress/wp-admin/ I have so many thoughts I need to express and feelings I have to get off my chest. First off, it’s important you know I don’t have any ill will or hatred towards you. The hurt is being addressed and I’m facing those unresolved issues on my own. Each day I am making more peace with the past. I don’t feel that restless anger like before. In fact, my issues with you and moving on have been because of my unwillingness to acknowledge the reason I actually suffer. Ironically, it is because I still love you, very much in fact. Not in the same capacity as before but I’ve seen how my love for you has evolved over the years and changed into the mature love that it is today. I want nothing but the best for you, James. You once told me something that profoundly resonated with me. You said, “I want you to be happy, babe. Even if that happiness may not include me anymore.” It hurt so much in that moment to hear those words. It sliced me right to the core, leaving me to feel a sort of inevitability in those words. I eventually decided that I needed you to go. I would have to love you for the rest of my life from a distance. It was a truth i never wanted to accept but in order for me to be with you, I had to deny myself so many aspirations and dreams. I’d concluded that dreams change sometimes and mine unexpectedly had. Before I knew it, the only dream I truly cared about fulfilling anymore was you.

http://bethhamiltonphoto.com/about/ In the beginning I resented you so much. The anger entirely eclipsed any sign of love I once felt. In many ways that anger left me completely numb to the pain I was feeling at the time. All I knew was that I wanted to hurt you and make you pay for all the hell you repeatedly put me thru. There are so many horrific memories that haunt me in my sleep at night. A random thought can trigger a memory I’d thought I’d long forgotten. Your addictive personality and deception was what eventually killed the love I had for you. I felt as if you ruined everything and I was determined to make you feel all the horrible emotions you made me feel all throughout the 10 years we were together. I wanted to force you to regret ever doing me wrong and in time, it eventually worked.

I began by ignoring you everyday. I found attention from other men and made new friends that didn’t have any ties to you. I cut off all your family and severed all ties I had with you physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally. The only exception I made was to discuss the well being of our children and even in those cases I remained ruthless. I never gave you more than the necessary communication and I constantly withheld any sadness or remorse I may have felt from losing you. In those months that you were still trying to win me back, I came to discover that I was unable to cry anymore. I figured it was because I’d already cried oceans of tears over you and eventually had no more to shed. I no longer had the energy to expend, no more compassion to give, no more affection to show. I was lifeless, lost and purposeless without you or our love.

http://kokannews.org/?page_id=337 I can recall watching you as you sobbed in front of me in utter confusion. Somehow I’d become like a stranger to you, a stranger that no longer welcomed you in her bed. You’d asked me to hold you but my arms never could reach the places in your heart you needed touched most. There were many occasions that I looked you straight in the face, repeatedly renouncing my once strong hope in you and in us. You cried and begged, we yelled and screamed, until eventually I forced you out the door. You reluctantly left and told me on countless occasions that this wasn’t what you wanted. You didn’t want the divorce and you fought tirelessly to change my mind. Problem wasn’t in my mind though. I’d finally had a change of heart. I’d had enough of the arguing, lies and constant struggle. I hated that I couldn’t trust you even in the most innocent of things. You’d broken trust so many times that I’d lost count and this final stint with rehab brought my once believed perfect world to a tragic end. I pushed. You pulled, but eventually you gave into my wishes. I told you if you loved me you’d have to let me go and you did. You got your own place and within 2 weeks already had someone around to fill the void I’d left in your life.

http://wherewaterfalls.com/tag/bakery/feed/ Meanwhile, I stayed single and remained in the very same shithole you left us in. I dragged every morning to wake up. Each sunrise brought on only more battles of emptiness and depression. By staying in that house I felt trapped by evil memories of us. It had an eerie morbid feeling. That house on Hartford was more like a mortuary of death than a home of warmth and laughter. Even though I was adamant about changing everything in the home, your spirit continually lingered in the hallways, demanding to be acknowledged and heard.

I remember drinking myself into a stupor many nights and weeping all alone on the kitchen floor. I had lost my passion for life and purpose. I only knew how to be a half and with you gone I didn’t know how to even begin to be whole. We both went from having a whole family one day, to becoming single people overnight. Every other weekend the kids would be with you and I’d be left to fight my demons all by myself. In those early days my anxiety gave birth to my new merciless companion that the doctors referred to as “insomnia.” The nights during that period of my life were the hardest and most destructive for me. I cut myself, I cursed your existence, I never slept at night, I drank a lot and ran the laundry list of “what ifs” in my head. I had on many occasions attempted to try and drink the pain away but each morning I’d find my struggles right back where I’d left them. And so the vicious cycle began. I was like I had an ongoing revolving door of broken men that paraded in and out of my life after you. None of them I ever “claimed” or loved. Truth is, I often used them as distractions to avoid my pain. Like the alcohol and pills, they were only temporary fillers for me that came and went. In my mind I’d resolved that it was easier to place all my focus on them and in turn throw all the blame onto you. I had absolved myself of any sins or wrongdoing on my part and concluded that you were the reason I’d never know happiness again. After all, you were the one who broke me. You were the monster that terrorized me, so it was only fair to blame you for being the one who destroyed me. You “victimized” me but reality proved that I chose to remain a victim. I felt comfortable in my uncomfortablness and I learned that you can also form addictions to people and states of emotions. I was consumed with thoughts of only you and overtime I no longer could recognize my own face. I felt stuck by my love for you yet I hated the outcome of all your selfish actions. You abused me and I called it “love.” You lied and I called it “trust” You cheated yet I called you “loyal.” You were the very best part of my life and yet you were the very worst part of it too. And for a very long time i believed that my entire self worth was based on who YOU believed me or saw me to be. I placed you on a pedestal, put God on the backburner and myself as the doormat you stepped on everyday. It was a very unhealthy and abusive situation but being honest, I have to say our entire relationship was not only this ugliness.

In fact, we shared countless moments together that are worth mentioning. There were many trying moments that made us stronger as a couple and made us better as people. We saved each other and loved one another in ways no one else could. Not many will ever understand the dynamic you and I shared. And I’ve learned that they dont have to. No one knows all the countless kisses and embraces we shared that went unnoticed. All the profound conversations we had behind closed doors. The random things you’d make or buy me just to say “i love you.” I miss the movie nights and waking up to beautiful music while you cooked the kids and I a big breakfast. I know we shared a lifetime’s worth of laughter. Even to this day, certain memories still make me pause whatever action or thought I’m doing and make me smile. It was wrong of me to deny you this acknowledgment while I was hurting. It just hurts to remember, but even harder to forget. You were undeniably the source of my happiness for a very long time. You were my first boyfriend, first kiss, first lover and the father of my children.

http://littlemountainproject.com/tag/little-mountain-policy-statement Every season of life has a memory all it’s own and every memory carries an emotion, be it good or bad. November 21st, which was our wedding anniversary, will always be a special memory of a decision we made to change our lives for the better. It’s no longer the anniversary of what is, but much rather of what was. Our young love was so magical and magnetic and will continue to live on in the sweet remnants of our past. As life goes on, so does the ever present cycle of holidays that trigger bittersweet recollections of the past. Christmas music sparks a sting of hurt because I force myself to keep up tradition and try to “cheerfully” decorate the tree. I’ll oftentimes get flashbacks of you lifting up one of our precious baby’s to place the angel at the top of our tree. Family dinners invariably leave traces of your absence because of the empty place that remains next to me. I haven’t had a New years kiss since you’ve been gone. Truth is I haven’t really wanted one anyway. February brings Valentine’s day which reminds me of the many poems and cards you’d leave me to remind me of how loved i was by you. You wrote me so many beautiful words that have stayed with me even to this day. Easter egg hunts and painting eggs are gatherings i miss having you by my side. July 7th is Our baby girl’s birthday and before our son in late August of 04. It’s impossible not to remember you on their special days because it was you and I that created them and it was you and I that welcomed them into the world together. My October birthday blends into celebrations of harvest and Halloween. I miss trick or treating with you and the kids, picking out costumes and taking pictures. There is so much I’ve left behind and so much ahead of us that I will as well. It’s overwhelmingly painful at times to remember but I never want to forget who and what you were to me.

You called me your “angel that saved you” and you were my “bad boy” that changed his ways. You called me “empress” because you said I was the most beautiful woman you’d ever seen and had the class of someone who could be royalty. You said I was perfect the way I was and that you’d always love me in spite of any physical, mental or emotional changes I may or may not have gone through. You told me I was smart and could have the dreams of my heart fulfilled. You said I was a good mom and that I was the most selfless person you ever knew. You loved me most in my most natural state and reminded me everyday that I didn’t even have to try because I already was everything. You called me things like your “happiness” your “world” and “the love of your life” You never loved anyone more than me or like me ever before or ever would again. I can still remember the consversation we had in bed when we were just laying in each other’s arms and I asked you how you knew the love you had for me was “different?” I loved the anaology you gave and how it really resonated with me on a level I could completley comprehend. You said that the women who came before me were like falling in love with a new song and being completely enthralled by it, playing it over and over, day in and out. He said the infatuation could only go so far until it eventually just faded out and then a new favorite song would take its place. He said I was nothing like that song. I was not a fleeting thought, person or emotion. I was unique, special and intricate. You loved how transparent I was and yet still a mystery to you after all these years. It rattled you how well you could read me and later would frustrate you because you felt as though you could never do right by me. You constantly felt like you were not enough but the reality was that it didn’t matter because I picked you and chose to love you. That in itself made you enough but your inner demons of addiction, insecurity and abandoment set in, eventually6 poisoning our entire relationship. WE loved hard and fought harder. We could be super affectionate one moment only to be like 2 strangers the next. We were an intricatly interwoven tapestry of emotions, hurts, weaknesses and strengths. For a while we seemed to manage the current by staying afloat but I was left for many years to keep us alive all alone. I tried desperatley to save you ended up only drowning the both of us. Somewhere in the sea of love I lost you and in doing so I lost a great part of myself too.

“It wasn’t all bad.” You weren’t all bad. We weren’t all bad. I can heal from the hurt while acknowledging the worst. Some memories will be left as our secrets forever and certain feelings will never be spoken of again. Truth is that I do miss all the things that you meant to me for so long. I miss the old you that burns bright in the dark corners of my mind. I miss the boy I once feel in love with under that summer moon when I was only 17. I miss those hazel eyes that saw through my motions and found the pure and goodness in mine. You showed me generosity, thoughtfulness, kindness, and love the best way you knew how. I appreciate you for that. Deep down I know you are a man with a good heart, just misguided in your intentions at times. I want to believe you aren’t who your actions have proved you to be and I hope that life’s challenges have brought out the better parts of you that you’d forgotten. I’m happy you have found happiness in the arms of another woman who can love you in the ways I couldn’t. I did my very best to meet every single want and need you ever had but being that girl meant I couldn’t really be the real me. I’m sorry if inadvertendly I decieived or hurt you by trying to be your ideal perfect woman. God knows I tried my hardest to make us work but sometimes love means knowing when to let go. A lot of times I think I mostly left you because of my own feelings of pain but I also see that sometimes i realize I also left you because I wanted you to be free of your own sadness as well. Love is sacrafice and giving you up was my final act of love on my part. I knew you’d nenver leave my side so I made the decsion neither of us wanted to make and cut the cord that kept you and I together. I don’t regret a second of happiness or sadness spent with you. Although I don’t love you in the same way I once did, doesn’t mean I won’t ‘love you until my last breath, past death.” We made two perfect kids together and I believe they are the very best of you and I.

I’m not ignoring this pain I feel over your loss anymore but I also won’t allow i to consume my everyday either. I’m letting you go every night and forgiving you all over again every morning. Healing from our end is going to take time and work but I know that it is shaping me into the woman I’ve always wanted to be. I hope it is helping you find the happiness you sought in me but never found. I can listen to the song I sang to you on our wedding day now without shedding a single tear. I can go to our old places and not feel the same ache of emptiness every time someone asks about how you are or where you’ve been. I can say your name without feeling the sting in my heart and look you in the eyes without feeling the pounding in my chest. You’re memory is strong but your prsence in my future is fading daily. I’m dreaming new dreams now and opening myself up to new endeavors, people and experiences. I still find myself looking up at night sky remembering how I’d sing to you how you were “the little boy made for me in the stars”. My Poochie bear, my best friend, my first lover, my once husband and understanding ear, Ill cherish rhe time we had. I make a vow to look to the past fondly and remember the beautiful life we made together and separate the ugliness, malice and pain. I’m letting you go.