When music makes you feel nostalgia for the past

He used to play the gravity album by Our last peace all the time while driving. I rode shotgun, as he’d blast the music, windows down, shades on, his hand intertwined with mine. I vividly remember hearing track #2 play and how uncomfortable the words made me feel that first time time I heard them. The voice singing sounded so tormented and conflicted over the love he thought he’d found. Somehow I seemed to identify with the voice, but I also shared a kindred connection to the source of his pain. I think understanding that truth is what made it so uncomfortable for me.

Of course years later the song still resonates strongly and I’ve seen the consequences of these toxic one sided relationships. Subconsciously, I have been drawn to the kind of relationships that are doomed from the start. It’s a pattern I started over a decade ago and it’s gotten harder and harder to break as the years have gone by. I’ve learned that the wrong kinds of men are just as much, if not more, drawn to me because we share the same brokenness. The saying, of opposites attracting isn’t true, it’s more so, misery loving company. It’s sad looking back now and realizing that the men that were so desperate to save me, were actually the ones in need of saving.

That being said, I think there’s a big misconception about relationships that most times doesn’t get addressed. Codependency comes in all shapes and forms. It masks itself behind tendencies and behaviors that most overlook or fail to recognize. Feeling trapped or controlled in your relationship is a sure sign of this. Red flags like having to hide, water down, lie, suppress or silence any part of yourself for your partner is a sure sign of an unhealthy relationship. For instance, a person doesn’t have to hit you or blatantly disrespect you for your relationship to be considered unhealthy. A person might think they are being good to you, but in reality they can only do as much good as they’re capable of. It’s not a slam to anyone, but it’s the reality of dysfunctional relationships. There are so many people struggling with codependency issues and don’t even know it. I know I have for a really long time.

Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also results in symptoms such as low self esteem, people pleasing, poor boundaries, reactivity, caretaking, control, dysfunctional communication, obsessions, dependency, denial, problems with intimacy, and painful emotions.

The most important, longest lasting relationship you’ll ever have in life will be the relationship you have with yourself, Take the time to get to know yourself, love yourself and grow. Because the truth is, no one will ever be able to love you in the ways you need, if you don’t ever learn to love yourself first.

Wise words from a wise man.

“One of the worst mistakes you can make is pushing a loyal person to the point where they no longer care. Because it’s at this place that they realize that fighting for you is not worth losing themselves.

Listen. When happiness becomes a priority, removing pain becomes necessary.”

In case you were wondering…

I’m surviving.

I stopped running.

And..

I’m never coming back to you.

Some women are built for it and some are not: Loving a genius

"If you're gonna say you want an ordinary husband then you can't marry a genius. It's a lot of extremes because "genius" needs to be itself. It needs to make its own hours, it needs to not talk to you when it doesn't want to, it needs to be the sickest one in the house.."

 

I know all too well the needs and demands a man with a highly creative and intelligent mind has. He must have his own space and freedom to explore his world of thoughts and creativity. More often than not, these men prefer their own solitude and emotional detachment over crowds and frivolous surface conversations. Many are night owls because of their inability to shut their minds off at the end of the day. They can be extremely moody and are prone to bouts of insurmountable lows and inexplicable highs. It is a constant emotional roller coaster ride with these hot and cold personalities because you never know what version of that person you'll get each day. You have to be built for this kind of person because loving them will never be easy. I've never found what comes easy to be appealing nor do I now, I've only desired someone worthy of my admiration, loyalty, trust and respect. I've learned that these kind of minds tend to neglect and take for granted those that are closest to them. Not many people can "put up with" these kind of personalities and most will run at the first sign of dysfunction. But to love a genius is to love madness itself and understanding that these folks become consumed by their own thoughts and passions, sometimes losing touch with reality.
To love an enigma like this you must be able to remain the "rock" so they are able to remain the free floating kite. It's a constant balancing act to be what they need to soar but also always being their safe haven they can come back to.

 

Maybe you’re right.

I used to live in a world of black and white, but now I live in a world of grey. I am the product of many years of maturity, growth and life experiences. Today, I see things very differently. I’m not the naive little girl that once lived in the protected bubble my parents created. Looking back now I see that it was more like a kingdom that they alone ruled and controlled. The years I lived in their care were some of the best memories of my life. We were always sheltered away from the realities of the world. I never knew the depths of depravity that ran rampant right outside our front door. I was unaware of the real life nightmares others around me were living. I thought my upbringing was how everyone was brought up and in my ignorance I judged others from the high pedestal I had been placed on. I thought we were the lucky ones who knew the truth, but it turns out that they all knew better than all of us. Now I see that the world isn’t as simple as my parents made it out to be. Sometimes the “monsters” aren’t the creatures lurking in closet or the boogeyman underneath our beds. Truth is, oftentimes the monsters are those we love most and call, “friend”. Sometimes the ultimate enemy isn’t something or someone attacking us, but instead, the cancer of self-destruction that lies dormant inside ourselves. I was taught to put all my faith and trust into my parents hands, and by doing so, I became emotionally paralyzed and incapable of doing anything for myself. Everything was always done for me and decided for me. My father provided financially and my mother stayed home and raised us. He met our physical needs, while my mother tended to our emotional. Being little girls, I don’t think they realized just how great the effect our father’s lack of presence would have in our lives. Since our relationship with him suffered all along, so did we.

I was taught to never trust anyone else but my immediate family and make my decisions based on doubt and anxiety. I was never allowed to venture outside my parents overly- protective reach, and in time our home began to feel more like a prison instead of the fantasy castle we once believed it to be. In time, the walls that once protected us, would become nothing more than impenetrable barriers we could never be free from. Although meaning well, my parents suffocated me and had me living like a drone, subjected to a way of life and thinking they thought was best for me. Anytime I challenged that notion or their stance in anyway, there were consequences. Sometimes those consequences were far to harsh for a young girl of my age. Really, I don’t remember living a day without fear of judgment or not feeling under pressure. Many times I felt my existence was to better and protect the existence of my sisters, and others around me. I was the “guinea pig” and the “black sheep” since birth. Dubbed my parents “love child” only to be referred to as, “the problem child” in latter years. I would come to pave the way for my sisters, but it would cost me plenty of psychological damage, physical bruises and emotional scars that would follow me for the rest of my life. My sisters only know so much, and then their memory grows weary. It’s possible they may have even forgotten how bad it got, but I never did. Sometimes I can visually imagine that “road I paved for them” solely made up of my blood, my sweat and bitter tears. Even now, I don’t believe that they understand how traumatizing it was to be me growing up, especially being a sensitive, people pleaser like I am. I’m not trying to paint myself as some sort of scapegoat or victim, but if you’re going by the actual definition of those names, and all of my countless years of therapy I had listening to a professional pick me apart and diagnose me, than those labels were exactly what I was. Naturally, I’d become super defensive and want to rationalize all the bad. I didn’t want to believe the reality of what I’d experienced and I was in denial of it for a very long time. In many ways I still think some of my family is in somewhat denial of it or they want to play it down. I’ve accepted that they will never understand it as I do, and really, I don’t want them to. As much I gained by fighting my way out and breaking free, I still remained a prisoner to the mentality I was raised in. And so began the arduous struggle between my truth, and that of my families.

I know I was close minded for a very long time, shut off and far removed from everything and everyone. I lived, thought, breathed, reacted, processed and loved in constant fear. I knew I was loved, but I was never shown it in the ways I so desperately needed in order to feel it. I never felt quite right in my own skin, and I remember the many days I dreamt of eventually becoming someone else.

I know that as a child, I thought that puberty not only changed your physical man, but also your inner man. Somehow I thought that one day I’d wake up as someone else with a different filter of emotions and mentality, but that never happened. Puberty came and went, but I was still the same old me. Only difference was, I became more and more aware of my inability to be what others wanted me to be. I would struggle my whole life to meet their expectations, but in their eyes, I would continue to fail miserably. I sometimes look back on my decisions and wonder how many were really mine, and how many were done for the sake of “keeping the peace” or as an act of pure rebellion. I guess I’ll never know and it really makes no difference now, since the past has come and gone. But the pain has changed me and molded me into a different person. I see the world through knowledgeable and understanding eyes. I feel and follow my heart and emotions more than I do my head these days. I have grown so much in the last few years and learned to separate the image others have of me, from the actuality of who I am. I’m not a robot that can be controlled and set aside when they’ve grown tired of me. I have cried enough tears for those that have claimed to love me. It’s time I dried my own eyes and lived for myself, and so I have. I’m no longer seeking the conditional love and approval of others.

Some of you have irrevocably damaged me, and gone about life as if it never happened, checking on me every so often, to help you sleep better at night. Although forgiven, I have not forgotten your heartless acts and I will never allow myself to be hurt by you in those ways ever again. If you burned me, just know I burned that bridge that united us when you betrayed me. If you destroyed me once, I promised myself to never let you have that chance to do that to me again. My mantra has become a “take me as I am” philosophy in regards to my life. If you don’t like it, keep it moving. I’m done begging, chasing, and holding onto people that only want to stray. As Robert Frost one said,

“I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.”

See, the thing is, you don’t have to like me, agree with me or condone my actions, decisions and behaviors. You don’t have to like who I am friends with or who I chose to date. You don’t have to tell me what you “feel” is right or wrong, or tell me how I should live my life. You’re sole purpose in my life is to love me in spite of everything I am and everything I’m not. You’re role is to encourage, uplift and try to understand. If I haven’t asked you for your opinion or thoughts, than honestly I couldn’t care less what you have to say. As much as I have tirelessly loved so many of you, I have reached my breaking point and I am at the end of my rope. I cannot do for you, fix you, make you happy, or be the person you want me to be anymore. I was a victim of my past, but now I’ve found my voice. I am more than my mistakes and what has been done to me. I am more than just a mother, a sister, daughter, aunt, niece, granddaughter or friend. I am an entity all my own and if you want to be a part of my life, it’s gonna have to be on my terms. I’m not censoring, filtering, or watering down any part of myself to accommodate anyone else. If you love me like you “claim to” love me then this decision will make no difference to you. I’m so fed up with being condemned and questioned. I’ve changed in recent years and I am not following suit like I used to. Others say they are overwhelmed with trying to keep tabs on me and feel helpless, but guess what? I’ve lived in that feeling for over 3 decades. Some of you can’t take this small portion of rebellion in the last 3 years! I have spent my entire life, saving others and always being there for them. I had a good run but now the emotions are too great to be bottled and my wings are too big to be held down. It took what felt like an eternity, but now I see that I am actually free. I know now that there is so much that I’m still getting wrong, but along the bumps in the road there are some fundamental truths, I’ve gotten right. And maybe that’s really what life is all about? Carving out your own path along the many that surround you. Maybe life is about taking chances and making mistakes while learning to stand on your own two feet. Either way, I believe we all come to that moment in life where we stand facing the fork in the road, and have to choose which road to take. Even with all the pain and loss I have felt, I can be honest and say that I wouldn’t do it any different. I wouldn’t take it back or erase on of my experiences, good or bad. Maybe you’re right when you say I’m nothing like the girl I used to be. Maybe change hurts but with it comes growth. Today, I choose to believe that all of that black and white throughout the course of my life, helped to soften me to reflect a lighter shade of grey.

Ramblings..

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Well, maybe I’m a crook for stealing your heart away
Yeah, maybe I’m a crook for not caring for it
Yeah, maybe I’m a bad, bad, bad, bad person
Well, baby, I know..”

Dear man in the moon,

I can’t sleep tonight.
Sometimes if I’m lucky, I can get some decent sleep here and there, but it’s never consistent, never peaceful. Not since I lost you.

Tonight my thoughts circulate back to you; my dreamer, my believer, my remedy, and my mistake. All of you have changed me and left me missing you every night . We’ve gone our separate ways, but you never left my thoughts. I’m haunted by you, wondering stupidly to myself, if I ever cross any of your minds. I worry that you’ve already forgotten me, in this silence that screams so loud. It’s all so pointless, isn’t it?..

..“And these fingertips
Will never run through your skin
And those bright blue eyes
Can only meet mine across the room filled with people that are less important than you.”

I heard it once said, “everything looks like a glimmer of light, when you’re in complete darkness.” Maybe that’s always been my problem?  My throat closes up just writing that now, because I now see the truth. It’s all unavoidable and uncomfortable, but when isn’t the truth? I say things out of anger like,”I wish I could take it all back and forget,” but I’m a liar. Such a liar! I never would. Not then. Not now. Not ever.

“All ’cause you love, love, love
When you know I can’t love
You love, love, love
When you know I can’t love
You love, love, love
When you know I can’t love you”

So many have come in the name of love, trying to woo, with promises, gifts, and charming words, but I remain unfazed and untouched. None of them see me, at least not the real me. They only see my surface and fall in love with it, only to discover later that their beautiful little pond was actually a deep dark lake. There’s nothing wrong with any of you. As cliche as it sounds, I wish I could help you understand that it’s never been you, it’s me. I’m not rejecting you out of fear of your love, I reject you out a fear of mine. My love is dangerous and I’m currently learning healthy ways of harnessing it. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never be able to fully have it controlled or contained, but I’m learning to redirect it into healthy outlets. I’m learning to embrace it and respect it. I can’t live in fear of it forever. I won’t.

“So I think it’s best we both forget before we dwell on it
The way you held me so tight
All through the night
‘Til it was near morning”

If it sounds like I’m talking in circles, it’s because I am. I’m everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. And even though it exhausts me physically, it is this very reason why my mind never sleeps. Insomnia, my most obnoxious companion,  is rooted in loneliness and regret, making it impossible to find peace late at night. It is a loneliness of never being understood, and a regret for not being able to express that to others. I do all too often see their faces, replay their words, relive certain moments, but it all ends the same way. I’m always walking away, leaving them before I am left. Why am I always leaving? If only, you all knew that I run away most in those moments I really want to stay. Maybe it is because chaos can never know order. Stability can never know insecurity. Yet somehow I still try.

Truth is, I just need to learn to accept and quit trying to stop these waves of admonitions that come in the dead of night. I need to stop fighting the tide when it pulls me in to take me away to  new, foreign and unseen places. Sad part is, that even though I go, pieces of my heart will forever choose to stay. Guess that’s what I fear most about my love, its inability to fully ever let go. I can only give up pieces of myself here and there. And When I give pieces of myself to others, I never ask for them back.  Even if I could get them back, I wouldn’t want them. So If I have given you a piece, it’s yours, and I want nothing to do with it anymore. Keep it, it belongs to you now.

Love is a gift, but love is also sacrifice. That’s how I know I loved  each of you dearly, because I gave you that love, when I knew I’d have to let you go over and over again, every single night, moving forward.

Thanks for always listening to me ramble, man in the moon. Maybe one day you’ll make sense of all this for me..

Till then,
Goodnight

Clarity.

 

It’s amazing how twisted my perception of you was versus who you actually were. For years I thought you were my source of inspiration and no matter what the future would bring, nothing would ever change that.
In time I came to discover how wrong I was. I believed you had completely changed my world when in reality you only altered it. I moved mountains for you, when all you did was shift rocks from your bag of burdens  to mine. You were intended to be a season, a lesson, a moment that I naively mistook for an always, a soul mate, a forever.
So as it turns out, both of us were wrong and misguided in our blind love. You saw a sort of perfection in me and desired to break it, while I saw the brokenness in you as something I could repair or heal.  One broken man cannot find happiness with a complete woman, for he too must be complete all on his own first. Either way, if I knew at 19

what I know now id still fall in love with you all over again. Only difference is I wouldn’t have gone so long, so deep and tried so hard to keep you. We were destined to be, just not destined to be forever.

 

xoxo,

Nessa