The eyes are the windows to the soul

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A war between fact & fiction,We have no time to dispel

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Change: the only constant in this life

Buy Ambien Online Mexico “There’s no one to call …cause I’m just playing games with them all
The more I swear I’m happy, the more that I’m feeling alone
‘Cause I spend every hour just going through the motions
I can’t even get the emotions to come out
Dry as a bone, but I just wanna shout…
What now?..I just can’t figure it out
What now?..I guess I’ll just wait it out
What now?..somebody tell me..
What now?” I can feel the all too familiar numbness of my indifference begin to sink in as I come across old pictures from the past. I see familiar strangers that once had the ability to move me deeply with just a smile. Now as I gaze at those same smiles I begin to wonder what it was I ever felt for them in the first place. I question their love, loyalty and feelings and every time I try to find those answers, I come up empty handed. In all honesty, the memories have become tainted and blurred because the emptiness is all that remains. In order to understand me there are certain things you must know about me.. See, at a very young age I learned certain defense mechanisms and coping skills, that helped protect me as a child. Sadly, those tactics have now come back to haunt me as an adult. For example, I learned that looking tough mattered more than actually being tough. I came to believe that if they never saw you cry, or came to discover how affected by their cruelty you were, then it would be you who would hold the power over others and yourself. I became the little girl with a chip on her shoulder, rather than the little girl who wore her heart and emotions on her sleeve.

In school I was always well liked, accepted, looked up to and popular. I noted some kids were accepted for their humor, others for their grace and talents; while I felt accepted by my outer appearance and my ability to intimidate everyone around me. I was told by my peers and teachers that I exuded a strong confidence and presence. I didn’t quite understand it then, and I can’t say that I do fully now really, but it helped to protect me. Growing up I had a new best friend and new “boyfriend” every year. Only rule I seemed to follow regarding the was modifying each annually. Keeping my attention was hard even then and I learned that my loyalty and love, could rarely be matched. I could be confrontation and blunt when necessary. To clarify, I didn’t create drama, but I never coward or ran from it. Outwardly, I appeared fearless and I became the ultimate protector of myself, as well as my four little sisters. No one could hurt them and not hear from me. It didn’t matter if you were the pastors son, the daughter of the teacher, the child of the principle; if you attacked one of mine, I went straight after you and yours. It didn’t matter the time, place or person. I was able to go from loveable to absolutely loath-able in a matter of moments. And as little as I was physically, I never let it stop me. I had the heart of a giant and the undeniable ability to verbally destroy anyone who tried to make me feel less. I learned to put up an impenetrable wall that no one could ever break through. I placed each stone, one on top of the other, year after year, creating the fortress that I struggle to destroy today. I did this because it’s what I needed to be..that hard exterior was my armor and as long as I kept that on, it kept me safe and kept everyone at bay. For years and years I was the image I portrayed and every year as the roles of new crush and best friend changed, I came to encounter a deeper emptiness than I had ever felt before. I had to live up to a certain image for others around me, including myself, that Id created long ago. I grew older and wiser and saw how these “mechanisms” began to hinder me more than help me. It took some pretty heavy, life-changing circumstances to make me come to terms with everything, but finally I decided to be honest with myself. People I’d came to know and love changed me forever, and then they were taken from me abruptly. I had to lose everything in order to understand anything. I was forced to face myself and question why I do the things I do,why I think the things I do, why I say the things I say, and why when emotionally things get too heavy, I decide to “check out”. It’s been a long time coming and I knew eventually I’d have to confront those demons from my past.

Generic Ambien Brands I think it’s all leading me back to a place I always avoided; a foreign, nerve racking and uncomfortable place I had to go to find myself. It is everything I have turned away from and everything I have ever feared. I absolutely hate facing my emotions, feelings or even remotely allowing myself to be in any sense vulnerable. I see MY vulnerability as a total weakness. I see my “feelings” as a potential liability that just makes me cringe. Overcoming such backwards thinking has proven itself to be more difficult than I would’ve ever anticipated.

Cheap Ambien From India I just don’t like to go all..for any reason…ever.

So many people truly don’t know the real me, because I am constantly choosing which parts of myself to show, and allow others to get to know. Everyone has the potential to destroy me, if I allow myself to love them, and let them love me back. It’s really sad that these are my thoughts, my “feelings”, my way of life. It wasn’t always this extreme, but just like a cancer that has grown and spread overtime, it eventually poisoned the goodness I had left inside. So I decided to seek advice and help from certain people I trust and respect.

Order Msj Valium I am making personal commitments and sticking to them weekly to better myself as a person. I don’t tell people anything. I let them create the version of me they identify with best. I don’t correct them or give them much reason to think otherwise. I simply don’t care at the end of the day who it is they think I am. Because I know they are only seeing “pieces” of me and they can only speculate what my complete picture is from just that. I have been greedy and kept the majority of those pieces to myself and only allowed my guard to come down with random people over the years that I felt I could trust. I’m sure it has to do with how harshly I have been judged over the years by my peers, my family and society that has lead me to keep my life so private. Many just want to know for gossip purposes rather than truly caring or having real concerns. Sadly, those in the church have been thee most unrelenting with their pressure for me to be some sort of perfect being throughout the course of my life. Judgmental eyes are everywhere..always watching..always waiting for the fall..some may be even reading this now..maybe with everything I just said I am being written off as we speak..oh well.

Buy Ambien Cheap Online One truth about myself I will share is that at heart, I am a very sensitive, perceptive and intuitive sort of person. I see a lot..but don’t talk a lot. I have endured a lot..but don’t share a lot. I know a lot..but don’t judge a lot. I’ve hurt a lot..but don’t cry a lot..I am the life of the party a lot..but most times I prefer to be alone and left alone a lot.

Buy Ambien Sleeping Pills Where once I despised and judged..I now choose to be patient and loving. Because sometimes I look into people’s eyes and see small reflections of myself..glimpses of my own struggles and pains. You can’t begin to really love people if your constantly wasting all your time judging them. I don’t want to alienate them because I keep isolating myself. And in those moments I realize how desperate I am to tear down this stone wall that has kept me so detached for so long. I want to be strong enough to be weak. I want to have the courage to once again be vulnerable. I want the ability to be myself completely with any and everyone, without hiding behind my wall when things get to too heavy. More than anything I want to get to a place where I can let those who love me see me broken and give them the opportunity to show me their love by just being there for me. I am always picking up pieces of those I love but I never allow them to do that for me. How selfish I have been to deny them such a beautiful gift.

Reality is, If I’m really honest with myself, I can say that the common denominator in all those failed friendships and relationships was me. I can’t blame everything or everyone else for “making me” into what I am today. At some point we all have to look inwardly and focus on our own behaviors and attitudes and not feel the need to control others by indifference or anger. I’m putting the time, effort and thought into rediscovering who I am. I have to learn what is a healthy balance for me and not be so fixated on what others have done or can do to me. I can’t live like that anymore..because living in fear is not living at all.

I know that’s a lot of heavy baggage to get off my chest and to see it written before my eyes makes it that much more real. Time to step up and accept my part and move forward. I know the road up ahead is going to get more uncomfortable and scarier before it gets better but at least now I know where I’m headed. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and a way out of this maze of madness inside my head. Part of the problem is me just accepting that…and acknowledgment is the first step, right?..What can I say..I’m a constant work in progress.

Generic Ambien Cost I’m uncovering the unapologetic, undefined, unhidden and unafraid woman I truly am. I wanna be able to look back at these same pictures I looked at today and feel something.. even if it turns out to be only sadness, disappointment or regret… “Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.”

A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets

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