Did I drive you away?

Coldplay has consistently been my go to music for long commutes, road trips and late night cruises. I’ve cried oceans of tears to this track alone over the years because it echoes my own heartfelt sentiments. Whenever I want to evoke deep emotions over the present, future or past, I play “sparks” and allow myself to come undone.

I find myself making excuses to get away on late nights like these to take that long drive down Pecos road and let the tears fall. Alone, I make my way thru the dark searching for clarity and resolutions. I guess I mostly prefer this dark route because of the barely there street lights. The darkness makes it easy to hide all my sadness. Millions of bright stars light up the night sky the further I continue to venture out. Sometimes I find myself lost in daydreams of the past or get caught up in fantasizes of the future. Either way, I’m always tempted to run away to places where no one knows me at all.

The mystery of the unexplored road always has me wondering if there is something or someone still out there searching for me or waiting to be found. The wanderlust within me grows the further and further away i get from the city, closer to the base of the mountains. The need to escape seems overwhelmingly strong on nights like tonight. Like many of the male disappointments in my life, the disarming road comes abruptly to a dead end, leaving me abandoned in utter darkness and despair.

The knowledge of this should probably stop me from continuing to take this gloomy drive, but I’ve come to see that it’s probably the best metaphor for how I view love and relationships in life. Understanding that all circumstances are temporary and that we are all dispensable, gives me the courage to fall in love wholeheartedly with every single soul and moment God sends my way.

The last time I took my drive down Pecos I saw the beginnings of construction taking place to expand the freeway. The realization of losing this space made me feel a profound ache in my heart, but I understand change and growth are just another part of being alive. One day I know my special place will become filled with the hustle and bustle of city life and the road that hid my tears with darkness will be lit up by endless freeway lights. I know the way this road used to make me feel will soon be a memory of the past. I know I’ll take this drive when all is said and done and reminisce on the nights I found sanctuary driving down these barren streets. I’ll play this song and feel the bittersweet sting of closure, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt..

I saw sparks.

Change: the only constant in this life

“There’s no one to call …cause I’m just playing games with them all
The more I swear I’m happy, the more that I’m feeling alone
‘Cause I spend every hour just going through the motions
I can’t even get the emotions to come out
Dry as a bone, but I just wanna shout…
What now?..I just can’t figure it out
What now?..I guess I’ll just wait it out
What now?..somebody tell me..
What now?”

I can feel the all too familiar numbness of my indifference begin to sink in as I come across old pictures from the past. I see familiar strangers that once had the ability to move me deeply with just a smile. Now as I gaze at those same smiles I begin to wonder what it was I ever felt for them in the first place. I question their love, loyalty and feelings and every time I try to find those answers, I come up empty handed. In all honesty, the memories have become tainted and blurred because the emptiness is all that remains. In order to understand me there are certain things you must know about me..

See, at a very young age I learned certain defense mechanisms and coping skills, that helped protect me as a child. Sadly, those tactics have now come back to haunt me as an adult. For example, I learned that looking tough mattered more than actually being tough. I came to believe that if they never saw you cry, or came to discover how affected by their cruelty you were, then it would be you who would hold the power over others and yourself. I became the little girl with a chip on her shoulder, rather than the little girl who wore her heart and emotions on her sleeve.

In school I was always well liked, accepted, looked up to and popular. I noted some kids were accepted for their humor, others for their grace and talents; while I felt accepted by my outer appearance and my ability to intimidate everyone around me. I was told by my peers and teachers that I exuded a strong confidence and presence. I didn’t quite understand it then, and I can’t say that I do fully now really, but it helped to protect me.

Growing up I had a new best friend and new “boyfriend” every year. Only rule I seemed to follow regarding the was modifying each annually. Keeping my attention was hard even then and I learned that my loyalty and love, could rarely be matched. I could be confrontation and blunt when necessary. To clarify, I didn’t create drama, but I never coward or ran from it. Outwardly, I appeared fearless and I became the ultimate protector of myself, as well as my four little sisters. No one could hurt them and not hear from me. It didn’t matter if you were the pastors son, the daughter of the teacher, the child of the principle; if you attacked one of mine, I went straight after you and yours. It didn’t matter the time, place or person. I was able to go from loveable to absolutely loath-able in a matter of moments. And as little as I was physically, I never let it stop me. I had the heart of a giant and the undeniable ability to verbally destroy anyone who tried to make me feel less. I learned to put up an impenetrable wall that no one could ever break through. I placed each stone, one on top of the other, year after year, creating the fortress that I struggle to destroy today. I did this because it’s what I needed to be..that hard exterior was my armor and as long as I kept that on, it kept me safe and kept everyone at bay.

For years and years I was the image I portrayed and every year as the roles of new crush and best friend changed, I came to encounter a deeper emptiness than I had ever felt before. I had to live up to a certain image for others around me, including myself, that Id created long ago. I grew older and wiser and saw how these “mechanisms” began to hinder me more than help me. It took some pretty heavy, life-changing circumstances to make me come to terms with everything, but finally I decided to be honest with myself. People I’d came to know and love changed me forever, and then they were taken from me abruptly. I had to lose everything in order to understand anything. I was forced to face myself and question why I do the things I do,why I think the things I do, why I say the things I say, and why when emotionally things get too heavy, I decide to “check out”. It’s been a long time coming and I knew eventually I’d have to confront those demons from my past.

I think it’s all leading me back to a place I always avoided; a foreign, nerve racking and uncomfortable place I had to go to find myself. It is everything I have turned away from and everything I have ever feared. I absolutely hate facing my emotions, feelings or even remotely allowing myself to be in any sense vulnerable. I see MY vulnerability as a total weakness. I see my “feelings” as a potential liability that just makes me cringe. Overcoming such backwards thinking has proven itself to be more difficult than I would’ve ever anticipated.

I just don’t like to go there..at all..for any reason…ever.

So many people truly don’t know the real me, because I am constantly choosing which parts of myself to show, and allow others to get to know. Everyone has the potential to destroy me, if I allow myself to love them, and let them love me back. It’s really sad that these are my thoughts, my “feelings”, my way of life. It wasn’t always this extreme, but just like a cancer that has grown and spread overtime, it eventually poisoned the goodness I had left inside. So I decided to seek advice and help from certain people I trust and respect.

I am making personal commitments and sticking to them weekly to better myself as a person. I don’t tell people anything. I let them create the version of me they identify with best. I don’t correct them or give them much reason to think otherwise. I simply don’t care at the end of the day who it is they think I am. Because I know they are only seeing “pieces” of me and they can only speculate what my complete picture is from just that. I have been greedy and kept the majority of those pieces to myself and only allowed my guard to come down with random people over the years that I felt I could trust. I’m sure it has to do with how harshly I have been judged over the years by my peers, my family and society that has lead me to keep my life so private. Many just want to know for gossip purposes rather than truly caring or having real concerns. Sadly, those in the church have been thee most unrelenting with their pressure for me to be some sort of perfect being throughout the course of my life.

Judgmental eyes are everywhere..always watching..always waiting for the fall..some may be even reading this now..maybe with everything I just said I am being written off as we speak..oh well.

One truth about myself I will share is that at heart, I am a very sensitive, perceptive and intuitive sort of person. I see a lot..but don’t talk a lot. I have endured a lot..but don’t share a lot. I know a lot..but don’t judge a lot. I’ve hurt a lot..but don’t cry a lot..I am the life of the party a lot..but most times I prefer to be alone and left alone a lot.

Where once I despised and judged..I now choose to be patient and loving. Because sometimes I look into people’s eyes and see small reflections of myself..glimpses of my own struggles and pains. You can’t begin to really love people if your constantly wasting all your time judging them. I don’t want to alienate them because I keep isolating myself. And in those moments I realize how desperate I am to tear down this stone wall that has kept me so detached for so long.

I want to be strong enough to be weak. I want to have the courage to once again be vulnerable. I want the ability to be myself completely with any and everyone, without hiding behind my wall when things get to too heavy. More than anything I want to get to a place where I can let those who love me see me broken and give them the opportunity to show me their love by just being there for me. I am always picking up pieces of those I love but I never allow them to do that for me. How selfish I have been to deny them such a beautiful gift.

Reality is, If I’m really honest with myself, I can say that the common denominator in all those failed friendships and relationships was me. I can’t blame everything or everyone else for “making me” into what I am today. At some point we all have to look inwardly and focus on our own behaviors and attitudes and not feel the need to control others by indifference or anger. I’m putting the time, effort and thought into rediscovering who I am. I have to learn what is a healthy balance for me and not be so fixated on what others have done or can do to me. I can’t live like that anymore..because living in fear is not living at all.

I know that’s a lot of heavy baggage to get off my chest and to see it written before my eyes makes it that much more real. Time to step up and accept my part and move forward. I know the road up ahead is going to get more uncomfortable and scarier before it gets better but at least now I know where I’m headed. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and a way out of this maze of madness inside my head. Part of the problem is me just accepting that…and acknowledgment is the first step, right?..What can I say..I’m a constant work in progress.

I’m uncovering the unapologetic, undefined, unhidden and unafraid woman I truly am. I wanna be able to look back at these same pictures I looked at today and feel something.. even if it turns out to be only sadness, disappointment or regret…

“Guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.”

Just like Halsey, I’m bad at love

“Got a boy back home in Michigan
And it tastes like Jack when I’m kissing him..”

I remember your whiskey kisses, your eager hands and cat like green eyes. You loved having my scent all over you throughout the day, wearing the same shirts to work that I’d worn the night before. You bought my favorite shampoo and body wash as a means of convincing me to stay those late nights and it worked on a few random occasions. I liked the way your Armani cologne lingered on my skin and how even up until today whenever I smell it, I can still feel the stubble of your 5 o clock shadow nestling its way into the softness of my neck. You were never a man of many words and I was never one for lengthy explanations so I guess the way it ended was inevitable. Months later I’d receive numerous drunk phone texts and voicemails from you apologizing for leaving so much left unsaid between us. You told me that you went to my secret place in the desert where I once took you. You played my beloved, Stevie Nicks the entire drive and reminisced over the conversations we shared beneath the stars those summer nights. You said you tried recreating those moments on your own, but somehow the stars just didn’t seem to burn as bright after I’d left. Days became weeks and weeks turned into months before you’d set out to find me again and by that time it was too late, the once open doorway to my heart was now locked shut. Time brought you clarity while it permitted me the space to move on. I can’t deny that even after all this time I sometimes find myself looking up at the stars they way we used to, questioning where you are, if you’re happy and wondering who now lays on my side of the bed. I still miss those whiskey kisses and can’t deny that yours are still the sweetest lips I’ve ever tasted.

“There’s a guy that lives in a garden state
And he told me that we make it ’til we graduate
So I told him the music would be worth the wait
But he wants me in the kitchen with a dinner plate..”

I grew up with you and you knew me throughout all my awkward stages. You were the first guy to tell me you loved me. Back then I was way too young to realize what that meant, but more specifically what that meant being loved by someone like you. I’m sorry your intensity and passion scared me, I understand now what I couldn’t then. I admit I lost track of time and my purpose, but you wanted a commitment right when I was trying to focus all my energy into the music and finding my own way. I couldn’t give you what you needed. I couldn’t be the girl you first fell in love with. I didn’t want to be your muse, I wanted to find one of my very own that I could sing for and write about. I was honest with you about my feelings but you refused to accept them. Looking back now, I see that even though it wasn’t the same, I loved you in my own special way and I know you felt that. It’s probably what gave you hope and made you stay for so long. You will always be the guy that makes my heart skip a beat and the face I’ll look for in any crowd, because you found me long before I ever found myself. I know you wanted to be selfish with me at a time that I wanted the world. Ironically, only three years later I’d fall helplessly in love with him. It wasn’t long before he’d discover all the love letters you’d written and later guilt me into throwing away. I’ll be honest and say, I cried many nights over you and for you. You deserved so much more even though I don’t think you ever found it. I was told years later that you’d found out about my elopement through mutual friends. I still blame myself for not going to you that night and I regret never saying goodbye when I had the chance. No one ever had to tell me directly, but I know I am the reason you continue to stay away.

“I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe
That we’re meant to be
But jealousy, jealousy, jealousy, jealousy
Get the best of me
Look, I don’t mean to frustrate, but I
Always make the same mistakes, yeah I
Always make the same mistakes ’cause
I’m bad at love
But you can’t blame me for tryin’
You know I’d be lyin’ sayin’
You were the one
That could finally fix me
Lookin’ at my history
I’m bad at love”

My once upon a time. My first love. My only everything. My memory of you will always be in love with the innocence of who I was. Loving you made me into the woman I am and since you, I haven’t felt anything close to the magnitude of passion or attraction I had with and for you. I was so in love with you, obsessed with you, fixated and devoted only to you for over 12 years. All the men since you have remained in your shadow, never able to wash out your memory or your mark. I’ll always remember our passion filled nights that turned into early mornings. I was addicted to your touch, your intensity and intricate mind. I was the magnet and you were steel. And being honest, I don’t think I’ll ever feel again anything close to what I felt for you. Getting over others has been made easy, because losing you taught me that I have the love and strength within myself to overcome anything. I know I can and I will love again one day, but it’ll be in different ways. I’ve stopped trying to change the facts of our history and I’ve quit denying the importance your existence had in my life for so long. I found myself in the storm and my rainbow in my healing. I’m comforted to know you’ve found happiness again and I’ve made peace with the past; a past that has made clear her victory…by default.

“Got a girl with California eyes
And I thought that she could really be the one this time
But I never got the chance to make her mine
Because she fell in love with little thin white lines”

Familiar, dark and wild were the aspects of our personalities that drew us into one another. I met you at a very difficult time in my life, while yours was in transition as well. It all feels like a blur now in comparison to how we first began. From complete sobriety to drunken nights, dabbling in the substances we promised we would never touch again, to setting men’s hearts on fire to distract us from our own pain. We became a force of nature, destroying anything in our path. Your love became possessive while mine remained detached and carefree. We lived in different extremes in those two years, but now times have changed. You do more damage than good these days, but in your own twisted way you still try to show me you care. I’ll always care even it’s from a distance. It’s just in my nature and you’ll do what’s in your nature and self destruct. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss the girl you used to be or the version of you I once loved.

“London girl with an attitude
We never told no one but we look so cute
Both got way better things to do
But I always think about it when I’m riding through

I met you at a party and clicked with you right away. It felt natural to go along with your advances but I didn’t realize you were playing for keeps. You pursued me harder than any man had, and I know you felt betrayed when I couldn’t reciprocate the same emotions. You showed me how to accept people for what they are and not try to rationalize why they do or don’t do things. You told me about all your tattoos and confessed your darkest secrets to me because you said I made you feel safe. I still laugh when I remember how you told me that I needed a woman’s love, because no man would ever be enough. Truth is, the only love and acceptance I ever needed was my own.

“I know that you’re afraid

I’m gonna walk away

each time the feelings fades

each time the feelings fade..”

It’s crazy how just one song can take me back in time to a certain person or place in my past. I don’t regret anyone of you. You helped mold me into the woman I am. Keep the pieces of me I gave you, and I’ll forever stow away the love and memories you gave me.

“You know I’m bad at love, but you can’t blame me for trying.”

What’s in a name?



There’s power in the meaning of our names and sometimes even an undertone of personality and purpose. The beautiful poet, Warsaw Shire tells the world to give their daughters difficult names that require the full use of the tongue and then advises to never trust those who cannot pronounce them correctly. 

I take pride in my name. You should take pride in yours too.

Vanessa Ariana Durazo 

It’s stated that numbers hold the key to our inner most personality. Each letter inside your Christian name has a number equivalent. Everything in life, can be reduced to a number, and each number has a meaning. In numerology, this meaning is converted into a useful tool for understanding our inner most secrets. Read on to learn what Vanessa means in spiritual terms.
The number associated with your name is presented by the number nine. The abilities centre on humanistic passions and also methods. You want to assist others in life. You approach people as the ‘big brother or perhaps the big sister’ type of person. Your name is associated with being creative and of course coming up with money making ideas. The number nine has a distinctive business head. There isn’t any hint regarding cockiness or superiority in your soul. You have an opportunity to touch people less fortunate than yourself. You hold many principles in relation to universal hope and human rights. Putting the common good before yourself is common. You may find yourself involved in civil rights.
You respond to things whenever you follow your feelings and heart, rather than your head. as well as listening to your own feeling’s of concern. You need to allow yourself to better understand the needs of other people. You’re extremely focused on getting things right and work well with others. You have a way to inspire other people, Vanessa. This means that that you could effectively become a lawyer. Imaginative ability, creativity as well as creative talent (usually hidden) of the maximum order can be found in your numerical make-up. It is possible that you are not using or perhaps building more than one capabilities at any one time. Some of your abilities might have been used in a previous life, and a few are always hidden.
The bigger duties to accomplish may be present in your future. There is absolutely no need to waste time healing broken fencing in your life. To have the name Vanessa means that you will not need to worry about your hard earned money savings because you have the expertise for managing your sources well, a family member is likely to show you how to manage money. Your personal goals will tend to be taken care of in life. By no means should you move away from a good education. You are supportive, resistant, broad-minded as well as thoughtful and hold some great views. You might be idealistic, and dissatisfied with things in the world. Undeveloped or even overlooked, the actual negative side is if you don’t make an effort to involve your self with other people you may find yourself on your own. You may often communicate quite contrary characteristics – one minute your happy, the next you are sad. Aloofness, not enough engagement, along with a lack of awareness may bring your downfall.
As you grow older you develop into a trustworthy as well as honorable individual who is not really the type to hold onto much prejudice or judgment when you are having good days. You tend to care deeply for those that are not as fortunate as you are so you tend to want to put yourself in a position in which you can give assistance to people less fortunate. If you can help them you will.
You are the type of person who will go the extra mile when someone is begging on a street corner. Not only will you give them the money that they are asking for, but if they are standing in the rain you will go get them clean socks and an umbrella to help them along their work. It doesn’t matter what their intentions are, for you it is in service of a higher energy that propels you forward. You do service for others in order to show God the amount of abundance that you have received, and how much you are willing to share because it is how you pray. It is how you connect to your very spiritual nature.
For you, the material is not what is important, though you do find that you do want a high quality of life, but the material is not necessarily how you believe you will get it always. Sometimes your generosity keeps you from being completely rich, but this does not phase you because for you the monetary side of life is only one small part of the whole and for you to feel sustained and healthy as well as vibrant, you need to feel like you are sharing your happiness with the world.
This number is not a common combination of numbers, and so there are only a few individuals who meet this level of selflessness unfortunately. But those that do it stand out among the rest of us. We should all be so compassionate, and so wise.
You make friends easily because of your inspiring and openly honest personality, but sometimes it is difficult for you to keep relationships because there isn’t often a balance that can be found which will work right.
When your significant other shares in your giving nature then you can find that your relationship will long lived. Unfortunately many individuals tend to focus on monetary benefits and if you bring someone like this into your life it is likely that there will be some friction simply because they just will not be able to understand you. Do not let this get to you however. You are on the right track in your life and through your sensitivity to others you will be able to live a full and happy experience in which you are capable of enjoying your time on this earth by sharing your deep and emotional world with others.
Positive traits…
Great with other people, good judge, supportive and broad-minded.
Negative traits…
Aloofness, lack of awareness, insensitive, annoyed by lazy people.

Etymology & Historical Origin – Ariana
Ariana is a simple spelling variant of the more popular Arianna. The names are an Italian form of the Greek Ariadne which, in turn, is derived from the Greek words “ari” (most) and “adnos” (holy). Ariadne was the mythological daughter of King Minos, and the demi-goddess who helped Theseus out of the Minotaur’s labyrinth. According to Greek legend, King Minos attacked Athens to avenge his son who was killed there. In an ancient peace treaty of sorts, the Athenians were required to sacrifice seven young men and maidens to the Minotaur every nine years (the Minotaur was a formidable creature with the head of a bull and the body of a man). Theseus was one of the Athenian men chosen as a sacrifice to the Minotaur. However, Ariadne had fallen in love with the young man and so gave Theseus a magical sword to kill the Minotaur and she spun him a ball of red yarn so he could find his way out of the maze. Afterwards, Theseus promised to marry Ariadne and they fled to the island of Naxos; however, that night, following the instructions of Athena, Theseus abandoned poor Ariadne as she slept. Dionysus (the god of wine and ecstasy) took pity on the girl as he heard her yell in vain for Theseus and so married her himself (we have to assume she had more fun with Dionysus). Despite this rather colorful story of the Greek mythological damsel in distress, the name Ariadne actually owes its popularity to a 2nd century saint whose legend and cult grew during the Middle Ages. She was a slave-girl in a Phrygian royal household (modern day Turkey). She ran away after refusing to take part in pagan rites, ending up on a hillside which opened miraculously, presenting her with her own tomb. Etymologists believe that the name Ariadne comes from an ancient Cretan dialect from the elements “ari” (which is an intensive prefix meaning “most”) coupled with “adnos” meaning “holy” giving the name’s full meaning: “very holy”. In other words, not just a little bit holy, but VERY holy. Catch our drift? The Romans got the name Ariadne from the Greeks and Latinized it to Arianna. Today Arianna (with two “n”s) is quite popular in Italy (a top 25 favorite) but she’s also a Top 50 in the United States and Canada. The names Ariana or Aryana have also been in use in the Muslim world since the 15th century.

Ramblings..

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Well, maybe I’m a crook for stealing your heart away
Yeah, maybe I’m a crook for not caring for it
Yeah, maybe I’m a bad, bad, bad, bad person
Well, baby, I know..”

Dear man in the moon,

I can’t sleep tonight.
Sometimes if I’m lucky, I can get some decent sleep here and there, but it’s never consistent, never peaceful. Not since I lost you.

Tonight my thoughts circulate back to you; my dreamer, my believer, my remedy, and my mistake. All of you have changed me and left me missing you every night . We’ve gone our separate ways, but you never left my thoughts. I’m haunted by you, wondering stupidly to myself, if I ever cross any of your minds. I worry that you’ve already forgotten me, in this silence that screams so loud. It’s all so pointless, isn’t it?..

..“And these fingertips
Will never run through your skin
And those bright blue eyes
Can only meet mine across the room filled with people that are less important than you.”

I heard it once said, “everything looks like a glimmer of light, when you’re in complete darkness.” Maybe that’s always been my problem?  My throat closes up just writing that now, because I now see the truth. It’s all unavoidable and uncomfortable, but when isn’t the truth? I say things out of anger like,”I wish I could take it all back and forget,” but I’m a liar. Such a liar! I never would. Not then. Not now. Not ever.

“All ’cause you love, love, love
When you know I can’t love
You love, love, love
When you know I can’t love
You love, love, love
When you know I can’t love you”

So many have come in the name of love, trying to woo, with promises, gifts, and charming words, but I remain unfazed and untouched. None of them see me, at least not the real me. They only see my surface and fall in love with it, only to discover later that their beautiful little pond was actually a deep dark lake. There’s nothing wrong with any of you. As cliche as it sounds, I wish I could help you understand that it’s never been you, it’s me. I’m not rejecting you out of fear of your love, I reject you out a fear of mine. My love is dangerous and I’m currently learning healthy ways of harnessing it. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never be able to fully have it controlled or contained, but I’m learning to redirect it into healthy outlets. I’m learning to embrace it and respect it. I can’t live in fear of it forever. I won’t.

“So I think it’s best we both forget before we dwell on it
The way you held me so tight
All through the night
‘Til it was near morning”

If it sounds like I’m talking in circles, it’s because I am. I’m everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. And even though it exhausts me physically, it is this very reason why my mind never sleeps. Insomnia, my most obnoxious companion,  is rooted in loneliness and regret, making it impossible to find peace late at night. It is a loneliness of never being understood, and a regret for not being able to express that to others. I do all too often see their faces, replay their words, relive certain moments, but it all ends the same way. I’m always walking away, leaving them before I am left. Why am I always leaving? If only, you all knew that I run away most in those moments I really want to stay. Maybe it is because chaos can never know order. Stability can never know insecurity. Yet somehow I still try.

Truth is, I just need to learn to accept and quit trying to stop these waves of admonitions that come in the dead of night. I need to stop fighting the tide when it pulls me in to take me away to  new, foreign and unseen places. Sad part is, that even though I go, pieces of my heart will forever choose to stay. Guess that’s what I fear most about my love, its inability to fully ever let go. I can only give up pieces of myself here and there. And When I give pieces of myself to others, I never ask for them back.  Even if I could get them back, I wouldn’t want them. So If I have given you a piece, it’s yours, and I want nothing to do with it anymore. Keep it, it belongs to you now.

Love is a gift, but love is also sacrifice. That’s how I know I loved  each of you dearly, because I gave you that love, when I knew I’d have to let you go over and over again, every single night, moving forward.

Thanks for always listening to me ramble, man in the moon. Maybe one day you’ll make sense of all this for me..

Till then,
Goodnight

Clarity.

 

It’s amazing how twisted my perception of you was versus who you actually were. For years I thought you were my source of inspiration and no matter what the future would bring, nothing would ever change that.
In time I came to discover how wrong I was. I believed you had completely changed my world when in reality you only altered it. I moved mountains for you, when all you did was shift rocks from your bag of burdens  to mine. You were intended to be a season, a lesson, a moment that I naively mistook for an always, a soul mate, a forever.
So as it turns out, both of us were wrong and misguided in our blind love. You saw a sort of perfection in me and desired to break it, while I saw the brokenness in you as something I could repair or heal.  One broken man cannot find happiness with a complete woman, for he too must be complete all on his own first. Either way, if I knew at 19

what I know now id still fall in love with you all over again. Only difference is I wouldn’t have gone so long, so deep and tried so hard to keep you. We were destined to be, just not destined to be forever.

 

xoxo,

Nessa