Rumor has it: Right idea, wrong person

I spend more free time there than I do here, so I understand everyone’s obvious curiosity when it comes to our friendship. But people fail to realize that I never share what I don’t want known. My best friend keeps my secrets, but she’s NOT my secret. You’re barking up the wrong tree.

Yes, there are lips I’ve been kissing while I’m away..but they aren’t hers.

Word Vomit.

Words.

They have the power to move me in ways I’ve never been able to fully express. Unfortunately, this has been a curse in many ways because I have found myself caught up with people who are amazingly gifted with the ability to lavish words on me but are unable to follow them through with actions. So for me, words are a double edged sword. They give me hope and make me feel loved. They bring me life and freedom but I have also learned the power and advantage in withholding them. How I’m able to do both simultaneously, confuses even me. My head and heart are always saying something different than what my mouth chooses to share.

I like my solitude. I guess I like it a little too much because I find myself living through my minds fantasies instead of living in life’s realities. Most of the time I’m bored with people and their mundane conversations about the same irrelevant things that don’t matter. I think this is why I love traveling to new places and having lengthy random conversations with complete strangers. I’m intrigued when I see life happening in other far off places that I’ve never been. I love people watching the locals as they go about their daily lives and I try to imagine what their everyday routines must be like. I sometimes imagine myself being a part of them and even entertain the idea of starting again in a new place I’ve never been, with people I’ve never met. It’s exciting enough to distract me for hours because I find myself imagining a different future, while conjuring up keepsake memories from my past. Head forever in the clouds while my feet stay planted in the ground. Sometimes I drift away and let the wind take me to new places, but my loyalty to home and those I love continually brings me back.

Always.

Oftentimes, I feel like no one will ever get me completely and really I know it’s my own stupid fault. It’s in my nature to always keep parts of myself hidden. I think it’s the one thing that truly makes me who I am. Even my mom knows not too get too close unless I’ve invited her in. Growing up she understood I had to do things at my pace, on my timing, when I was ready. I couldn’t be forced. You couldn’t get something from me that I wasn’t already willing to give. Intimacy of any kind, scared the living shit out of me then and still does now! Unless I’ve willingly agreed to engage in it, I don’t want anything to do with it. When heavy unwanted emotions have presented themselves, I’ve had the flight reaction. I can’t stand to feel pressured, suffocated, trapped, forced or coerced into anything. I have to be the one to make my own decisions…even if they are wrong.

It’s not that I am consciously withholding secrets or somehow glorifying their existence, I just never want someone expecting more from me than I am able to give. But I will say, I have come a very long way in last handful of years and I’ve learned to embrace all my positive and negative qualities. I know the things that set me apart from others and the habits that make me just like everyone else. I guess I just like drifting between shallow and deep waters, knowing it is what keeps things interesting and new.

I think I’ll always have a love affair with words and the way they move me. I’ll forever be entranced by those individuals who know how to reach me with with their beautiful verbal expressions. Words wound and words heal. And maybe by acknowledging my shortcomings and concerns aloud, I will discover new ways to grow, renovate and mold myself into the woman I want to become. I accept myself even as a contradiction and I hope those who come to know me will too.

Playing with Fire.

Can you remember that exact moment he walked into your life? You weren’t expecting him but like the wind that gently caresses your cheek, he felt harmless and you let him in. He had a certain air about him and it drew you into his atmosphere even more. Before you knew it, you were free falling from the sky. The adrenaline, intensity and speed thrilled you. After all, all you could see were those beautiful piercing eyes, smell the richness of his cologne and his powerful embrace that somehow made you feel like everything would be alright. You weren’t thinking about the ending or the rock bottom you were eventually going to hit once you reached earth again. Nobody could understand how you felt or where you were coming from, but you didn’t care. The benefits far outweighed the consequences and similar to an addict needing just one more hit, you kept going back. Over and over again you ran back to him, even when you were in the company of another, he took precedents over everything and everyone. He was all you thought about, dreamt of, longed for, needed and saw. He was different and unlike the other guys before him. He was charming, handsome, rebellious, dangerous, smart and witty. He was perceptive and able to understand you without words. It was different with him. He was thrilling, exciting and full of adventure. He could finish your thoughts and somehow read your mind. It was so easy to fall under his spell and give in. But it wasn’t one sided. He was just as obsessed with you, as you were with him. His desire for you was insatiable. He was intense, thoughtful and affectionate doing nothing but placing all his focus and attention solely on you. He wanted to be with you constantly and you loved his passion. His kisses intoxicated you and his touch paralyzed you. There’s nothing you wouldn’t give up for him. He had total control over you and he recognized that right away. In time he began to take full advantage of that, constantly testing your resilience, loyalty and love for him. Soon his sweetness melted away with the summer heat that was only followed by fall leaves, and the bitter cold snow of winter. His countenance changed, his attitude and demeanor shifted but you couldn’t accept the facts. Controlling you was his drug and when it came to using his power over you, he loved to overdose any chance he could get.

You didn’t think it was possible for the attachment to grow or the need to get stronger, but it did. Like any other drug that hooks and reels you in, you built up this insane tolerance. Without him around you’d begin to withdraw immediately and emotionally, too blinded by your weakness, you never sought out any help. He was the one thing that made you feel alive, yet internally he was killing you, destroying your mind and heart from within. You couldn’t see the side effects, but everyone else could. Like gasoline on flames, it’d only be a matter of time before he’d possess and consume you too. Still you didn’t want to hear it, if he was meant to burn, you’d concluded you would too.

Your willingness to love such a damaged man gave him the opportunity to blaze a rocky and tumultuous trail inside of your mind and heart. Just look back and think about it and tell me, do you remember the moment you knew he realized the depth of your love and passion? Can you recall his smile and how it released all the butterflies that had been caged inside you free? Can you remember feeling his quickened breath on your neck and his racing heartbeat against your chest? That very encounter was the moment he passed his flame onto you. Back then it was just an ember, slowly burning until it grew to resemble a flame of a candle. It was a feeling that can’t be put into words, a kind of high that cannot be compared to any other drug, and no other experience in the world could ever be compared to it. The flame that once danced in the palm of your hand, quickly grew to a level you could no longer control. You believed you would savor it and set it someplace that only you would be able to partake of its warmth and beauty, but nothing could’ve been further from the truth. This was the first time he’d burn you, leaving a scar that would leave you numb to the pain and the small flame still burning in your hand.

Overnight that small lit candle turned to raging flames, eager to consume all the oxygen it could, determined to grow with each passing second, ready to destroy anything in its wake. Suddenly you began to notice how his behavior was changing and how he seemed less and less interested in you anymore. Something else was stealing his attention, someone else was his new distraction. His eyes that once sparkled now looked dimmed and each time you sought him out, he just continued to push you away. You didn’t want to believe what the situation was becoming, so instead you tried harder and gave him everything you had left. He controlled your every mood and move. You centered your world around his thoughts and opinions. You became the shell of the woman you once were. And you thought he didn’t notice, but he did. He just didn’t care. When you weren’t around he sought the comfort of other vices or women and the bed you shared became tainted with the evidence of other women who had come and gone before, after and during you. . He also had other vices that he was addicted to and many of them altered his personality, mood and attitude. Every day brought out a new version of him and every night you struggled to find the man you originally fell for. The reality was you were losing him, and every step he took away from you, he was ripping out another piece of your soul. To overcompensate for his shortcomings you made excuses for him and in return he resented you more for it. Where once you thought you had the power over the situation, you soon came to realize just how powerless you truly were over him and his addictions. You didn’t want to accept it, but he had already shut you out, silently moving on, drifting further and further away from you every night.

It wasn’t long before you saw his true colors emerge and his prince charming facade fade. He was a monster and even though you had every opportunity to leave, you still felt imprisoned by him. Your mind and heart were being held captive, but it wasn’t against your will. You were addicted to the illusion and the initial high you first felt when you met him. And even though everything inside you screamed “get clean. stay sober”, you still just couldn’t shake him. Fits of jealousy and rage turned into endless nights of arguments, physical and mental abuse, with nothing but busted holes left in walls to remind you of the night before. He was all consuming because he himself was consumed. The flames had claimed him long before you ever came around and no amount of help could prevent what he already was and what he would always be. You wanted to believe he was more than the remnants of his past and failures. You wanted to save him from everything that ever hurt him but it was you that needed the saving all along.

You didn’t realize that until it was too late. You went up in flames and burned entirely, baring the scars of that man and that relationship forever. No matter how far you run or how much time passes you by, you’ll never forget the one who changed you, the one who burned you, the one who stole your innocence and robbed you of the opportunity to ever love another in that same unguarded way again.  But I know this secret..the burns that have killed others, have only made you a stronger you. I know this because I also bare the same scars. I know what it’s like to consume and be consumed. I don’t regret it or hide from my past or the pains it has caused me. I find power in my truth and I have found a voice in midst of the storm. You can also find that power within yourself to overcome the nightmares of your past. You may have burned for him but you don’t have to burn forever. I didn’t and I won’t. I’ve been burned since but never by that same flame. I’m still growing and learning from my mistakes and paving a new road for myself everyday. Where once I used to cover up and hide my scars, I now embrace them like the battle wounds of a soldier. My future is not limited or hindered because of my past and my ability to love has not been shaken. I know I’ll always be drawn to the flames that dance within the eyes of a pretty face but ultimately I need a strong man, brave enough to tame the fire in mine.

restless

My sleep has been off again because I’m worried about her. The other night was just another reminder of what I already knew the day she left that facility. That ending was only the beginning of another nightmare and the reality is that she is still just as far gone as she was before. I’m grasping at air trying to help her as she journeys along because I know damn well no pill, no shrink, no person, no program or drug can suppress or erase what cannot be undone. I am so conflicted each time I try to give her encouragement and advice. Sometimes it’s almost as if I am speaking to myself or as if I should be gazing into a mirror when I say some of this stuff. Together we share the small ember of hope I’ve painstakingly somehow been able to keep alive. It’s like a fellow prisoner trying to cheer up his inmate, both are there for different reasons but they are both there just the same. All I know is that she’s reaching for me and no matter how much it pains me, I am going to keep on reaching back. Love should never be treated as a burden because it truly is a gift.

Little Sister is still pregnant and just like her, the rest of us are losing our minds. I hate watching those I love suffer. Of course I never say anything but it’s been messing with my appetite and sleep again. I wish I knew healthier ways of coping. Wait, that’s a lie, let me rephrase that. I wish I could cope in healthier ways because I’ve grown too accustomed to my own chaos. How does everyone else know how to gauge whether or not to try harder and know when exactly to leave things alone? How can some people not care at all, when I’m over here trying not to overanalyze every single look or expression someone gives me?.. How do I get a grip on my own mess and still find a way to offer a helping hand to those I love most? I suck at life sometimes. There is so much pain I’d be more than willing to take on for the sake of others but instead I’m left speechless on the sidelines praying for it all to be over.

Anxiety and worry are my closest companions these days and I’m beginning to feel like I need to pay Lisa or Barb a visit. I know I should voice all these things I internalize, but the thought of expressing it exhausts me. I think I need to do myself a favor and have a good cry to cleans my soul.

I’ve been having dreams recently that the ex got remarried. I’m kind of just waiting for it to all play out. I’ve said it before but I am really happy that he’s found happiness again. More than anything else I am glad he found a woman who has been able to love my kids as if they were her own and accept them as a part of their father. God was good to me when he sent her to James. Maybe she was the answer to my prayers I prayed so long ago to change my ex’s heart and give him the desire to be a better father. It makes no difference to me how his change came about, as long as he changed in the end. I battle my own thoughts and feelings when days like today come up. He asked me if he could take the kids across the country for a couple weeks to go to his girlfriend’s sisters wedding. He sent me the long message via text and when I read it I felt like I was gutted with a doubled edged sword. On one hand I was elated for my kids to have the opportunity to travel and see places they’ve never been, to finally take their first plane ride and visit historic places that helped mold our country. And on the other hand I felt a bittersweet sting of pain. These are all the things I wanted him to do when he was still my husband and we were one family. I felt that cringe of selfishness and sadness creep in, but I quickly pushed it away. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why neither of us could reach our full potential while we were together. The one obvious fact that remains true is that we did have some mind blowing chemistry, but we had little to no real compatibility. If he was vinegar then I was oil. If he was water then I was flames. Where once we believed to blend and ignite one another, we really just extinguished each other and could never quite mix well enough to stay. It’s not that I am hung up with the man as much as I am hung up on the idea of who that man could’ve been for me. Weighing out all my logic and emotions leaves me with an indisputable truth, as long as my children are happy, safe, healthy and taken care of, then it was all worth it and it will all be okay in the end. One of my closest friends keeps telling me to stop running from it and instead embrace my pain, because in it I will find a greater and stronger version of myself. One moment I am the victim and the next the victor, it’s just part of life. It is a constant tug of war between happiness and pain. This time I’m willing to give in to what it is I want more, “Find light in the beautiful sea. I choose to be happy.”

Random.


Finally off the sleep meds and my body is beginning to feel a sense of normalcy set in. 4 years on benzos is no joke. It’s taken me 6 months to wean down to nothing, but I’m not sure that’ll remain the case for long, thanks to my constant companion, insomnia. I’ve battled with it consistently for the last 5 years. It’s been a struggle that has broken me down mentally and emotionally many times over. It’s torture to feel physical exhaustion, but mentally not be able to find rest from your own thoughts. It’s time I allow myself a real chance to get acclimated to all the changes I’ve made around me, and see if it’s made a difference. Before the pills I remember how I couldn’t sleep unless I had someone lying beside me. I hide my body under baggy clothes cuddling the body next to me. Now i prefer my empty bed and going to sleep with nothing on. I don’t feel that longing I once did for companship, maybe because of all the nights I self soothed and cried myself to sleep?.. With a barricade of pillows I now hide myself away from anything and everyone. I love my solitude a little too much these days. The transition took some time, but I understand now that I cannot find peace in others, because I need to find it within myself. Some nights I’m able to do that, while other nights I find myself still tossing and turning till early morning light. Before I was haunted by reoccurring nightmares, now I’m lucky if I ever get to remember a dream. I’m praying I can continue to keep my peace moving forward.

*random thought*..

I was on fb deleting a crap load of people, when I saw a person I once cared for a great deal, under my “suggested friends” list. I noticed he has a new girlfriend and to be honest I’m glad he’s found happiness again. I really don’t care to elaborate beyond that, because there’s not much more to say. I’m completely indifferent towards him and that period of my life he was a part of. I wish him well and don’t regret anything because I learned a lot and grew wiser. It all played out the way it was always supposed to. Good for you. “Live and let die.”

As far as my current thoughts go I feel confusion over you. I have seen so many sides of you that I struggle to accept which version is actually you. You’re the “great pretender” and I saw that right away in you because it takes one to know one. We aren’t what we seem. We are not what people assume us to be. For the sake of peace we go along with whatever version of ourselves that everyone else feels most comfortable with . We’ve mastered the art of illusion and mystique for the sake of others. I have observed you become the “tough guy” with a chip on his shoulder, so confident and secure, cracking jokes and making everyone laugh. But the person you are when it’s just you and me is so different. When it’s just us alone you are sensitive, gentle and caring, a deep soul with intelligent thoughts and hidden talents. I just wish you would tell me what it is you feel sometimes instead of what you think. These sorts of silences leave me feeling uneasy and confused. But that’s enough for now.

Random thoughts equate to random blog posts. I guess that’s it for tonight. I’m beat