Just like Halsey, I’m bad at love

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I remember your whiskey kisses, your eager hands and cat like green eyes. You loved having my scent all over you throughout the day, wearing the same shirts to work that I’d worn the night before. You bought my favorite shampoo and body wash as a means of convincing me to stay those late nights and it worked on a few random occasions. I liked the way your Armani cologne lingered on my skin and how even up until today whenever I smell it, I can still feel the stubble of your 5 o clock shadow nestling its way into the softness of my neck. You were never a man of many words and I was never one for lengthy explanations so I guess the way it ended was inevitable. Months later I’d receive numerous drunk phone texts and voicemails from you apologizing for leaving so much left unsaid between us. You told me that you went to my secret place in the desert where I once took you. You played my beloved, Stevie Nicks the entire drive and reminisced over the conversations we shared beneath the stars those summer nights. You said you tried recreating those moments on your own, but somehow the stars just didn’t seem to burn as bright after I’d left. Days became weeks and weeks turned into months before you’d set out to find me again and by that time it was too late, the once open doorway to my heart was now locked shut. Time brought you clarity while it permitted me the space to move on. I can’t deny that even after all this time I sometimes find myself looking up at the stars they way we used to, questioning where you are, if you’re happy and wondering who now lays on my side of the bed. I still miss those whiskey kisses and can’t deny that yours are still the sweetest lips I’ve ever tasted.

http://thesoussegroup.com/images/next.gif http://kokannews.org/?p=1914 “There’s a guy that lives in a garden state
And he told me that we make it ’til we graduate
So I told him the music would be worth the wait
But he wants me in the kitchen with a dinner plate..”

Order Xanax Overnight Delivery I grew up with you and you knew me throughout all my awkward stages. You were the first guy to tell me you loved me. Back then I was way too young to realize what that meant, but more specifically what that meant being loved by someone like you. I’m sorry your intensity and passion scared me, I understand now what I couldn’t then. I admit I lost track of time and my purpose, but you wanted a commitment right when I was trying to focus all my energy into the music and finding my own way. I couldn’t give you what you needed. I couldn’t be the girl you first fell in love with. I didn’t want to be your muse, I wanted to find one of my very own that I could sing for and write about. I was honest with you about my feelings but you refused to accept them. Looking back now, I see that even though it wasn’t the same, I loved you in my own special way and I know you felt that. It’s probably what gave you hope and made you stay for so long. You will always be the guy that makes my heart skip a beat and the face I’ll look for in any crowd, because you found me long before I ever found myself. I know you wanted to be selfish with me at a time that I wanted the world. Ironically, only three years later I’d fall helplessly in love with him. It wasn’t long before he’d discover all the love letters you’d written and later guilt me into throwing away. I’ll be honest and say, I cried many nights over you and for you. You deserved so much more even though I don’t think you ever found it. I was told years later that you’d found out about my elopement through mutual friends. I still blame myself for not going to you that night and I regret never saying goodbye when I had the chance. No one ever had to tell me directly, but I know I am the reason you continue to stay away.

Buy Alprazolam Bulk http://valliscommodities.com/ar/commodities/ http://littlemountainproject.com/tag/winsor-gallery/ “I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe
That we’re meant to be
But jealousy, jealousy, jealousy, jealousy
Get the best of me
Look, I don’t mean to frustrate, but I
Always make the same mistakes, yeah I
Always make the same mistakes ’cause
I’m bad at love
But you can’t blame me for tryin’
You know I’d be lyin’ sayin’
You were the one
That could finally fix me
Lookin’ at my history
I’m bad at love”

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My once upon a time. My first love. My only everything. My memory of you will always be in love with the innocence of who I was. Loving you made me into the woman I am and since you, I haven’t felt anything close to the magnitude of passion or attraction I had with and for you. I was so in love with you, obsessed with you, fixated and devoted only to you for over 12 years. All the men since you have remained in your shadow, never able to wash out your memory or your mark. I’ll always remember our passion filled nights that turned into early mornings. I was addicted to your touch, your intensity and intricate mind. I was the magnet and you were steel. And being honest, I don’t think I’ll ever feel again anything close to what I felt for you. Getting over others has been made easy, because losing you taught me that I have the love and strength within myself to overcome anything. I know I can and I will love again one day, but it’ll be in different ways. I’ve stopped trying to change the facts of our history and I’ve quit denying the importance your existence had in my life for so long. I found myself in the storm and my rainbow in my healing. I’m comforted to know you’ve found happiness again and I’ve made peace with the past; a past that has made clear her victory…by default.

Order Adipex Online Overnight “Got a girl with California eyes
And I thought that she could really be the one this time
But I never got the chance to make her mine
Because she fell in love with little thin white lines”

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Familiar, dark and wild were the aspects of our personalities that drew us into one another. I met you at a very difficult time in my life, while yours was in transition as well. It all feels like a blur now in comparison to how we first began. From complete sobriety to drunken nights, dabbling in the substances we promised we would never touch again, to setting men’s hearts on fire to distract us from our own pain. We became a force of nature, destroying anything in our path. Your love became possessive while mine remained detached and carefree. We lived in different extremes in those two years, but now times have changed. You do more damage than good these days, but in your own twisted way you still try to show me you care. I’ll always care even it’s from a distance. It’s just in my nature and you’ll do what’s in your nature and self destruct. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss the girl you used to be or the version of you I once loved.

Cheap Valium India http://skillofstrength.com/tag/barbell-training/feed/ “London girl with an attitude
We never told no one but we look so cute
Both got way better things to do
But I always think about it when I’m riding through

I met you at a party and clicked with you right away. It felt natural to go along with your advances but I didn’t realize you were playing for keeps. You pursued me harder than any man had, and I know you felt betrayed when I couldn’t reciprocate the same emotions. You showed me how to accept people for what they are and not try to rationalize why they do or don’t do things. You told me about all your tattoos and confessed your darkest secrets to me because you said I made you feel safe. I still laugh when I remember how you told me that I needed a woman’s love, because no man would ever be enough. Truth is, the only love and acceptance I ever needed was my own.

http://drumcommodities.com/robots.txt Buy 2Mg Klonopin Online “I know that you’re afraid

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It’s crazy how just one song can take me back in time to a certain person or place in my past. I don’t regret anyone of you. You helped mold me into the woman I am. Keep the pieces of me I gave you, and I’ll forever stow away the love and memories you gave me.

“You know I’m bad at love, but you can’t blame me for trying.”

Engaged👰💎💐💒

I know I said I wouldn’t buut…

Happy to announce that two of my sister’s are now engaged!

My heart is so full knowing how happy they are. I know it’s been a long time coming for them both.

It’s crazy how some things don’t work out and how others do. I’m open and ready for all these new beginnings! Cheers to gaining 2 brothers and a future with more nieces and nephews for me to spoil and love on. 💓💓💓

 

Playing with Fire.

Can you remember that exact moment he walked into your life? You weren’t expecting him but like the wind that gently caresses your cheek, he felt harmless and you let him in. He had a certain air about him and it drew you into his atmosphere even more. Before you knew it, you were free falling from the sky. The adrenaline, intensity and speed thrilled you. After all, all you could see were those beautiful piercing eyes, smell the richness of his cologne and his powerful embrace that somehow made you feel like everything would be alright. You weren’t thinking about the ending or the rock bottom you were eventually going to hit once you reached earth again. Nobody could understand how you felt or where you were coming from, but you didn’t care. The benefits far outweighed the consequences and similar to an addict needing just one more hit, you kept going back. Over and over again you ran back to him, even when you were in the company of another, he took precedents over everything and everyone. He was all you thought about, dreamt of, longed for, needed and saw. He was different and unlike the other guys before him. He was charming, handsome, rebellious, dangerous, smart and witty. He was perceptive and able to understand you without words. It was different with him. He was thrilling, exciting and full of adventure. He could finish your thoughts and somehow read your mind. It was so easy to fall under his spell and give in. But it wasn’t one sided. He was just as obsessed with you, as you were with him. His desire for you was insatiable. He was intense, thoughtful and affectionate doing nothing but placing all his focus and attention solely on you. He wanted to be with you constantly and you loved his passion. His kisses intoxicated you and his touch paralyzed you. There’s nothing you wouldn’t give up for him. He had total control over you and he recognized that right away. In time he began to take full advantage of that, constantly testing your resilience, loyalty and love for him. Soon his sweetness melted away with the summer heat that was only followed by fall leaves, and the bitter cold snow of winter. His countenance changed, his attitude and demeanor shifted but you couldn’t accept the facts. Controlling you was his drug and when it came to using his power over you, he loved to overdose any chance he could get.

You didn’t think it was possible for the attachment to grow or the need to get stronger, but it did. Like any other drug that hooks and reels you in, you built up this insane tolerance. Without him around you’d begin to withdraw immediately and emotionally, too blinded by your weakness, you never sought out any help. He was the one thing that made you feel alive, yet internally he was killing you, destroying your mind and heart from within. You couldn’t see the side effects, but everyone else could. Like gasoline on flames, it’d only be a matter of time before he’d possess and consume you too. Still you didn’t want to hear it, if he was meant to burn, you’d concluded you would too.

Your willingness to love such a damaged man gave him the opportunity to blaze a rocky and tumultuous trail inside of your mind and heart. Just look back and think about it and tell me, do you remember the moment you knew he realized the depth of your love and passion? Can you recall his smile and how it released all the butterflies that had been caged inside you free? Can you remember feeling his quickened breath on your neck and his racing heartbeat against your chest? That very encounter was the moment he passed his flame onto you. Back then it was just an ember, slowly burning until it grew to resemble a flame of a candle. It was a feeling that can’t be put into words, a kind of high that cannot be compared to any other drug, and no other experience in the world could ever be compared to it. The flame that once danced in the palm of your hand, quickly grew to a level you could no longer control. You believed you would savor it and set it someplace that only you would be able to partake of its warmth and beauty, but nothing could’ve been further from the truth. This was the first time he’d burn you, leaving a scar that would leave you numb to the pain and the small flame still burning in your hand.

Overnight that small lit candle turned to raging flames, eager to consume all the oxygen it could, determined to grow with each passing second, ready to destroy anything in its wake. Suddenly you began to notice how his behavior was changing and how he seemed less and less interested in you anymore. Something else was stealing his attention, someone else was his new distraction. His eyes that once sparkled now looked dimmed and each time you sought him out, he just continued to push you away. You didn’t want to believe what the situation was becoming, so instead you tried harder and gave him everything you had left. He controlled your every mood and move. You centered your world around his thoughts and opinions. You became the shell of the woman you once were. And you thought he didn’t notice, but he did. He just didn’t care. When you weren’t around he sought the comfort of other vices or women and the bed you shared became tainted with the evidence of other women who had come and gone before, after and during you. . He also had other vices that he was addicted to and many of them altered his personality, mood and attitude. Every day brought out a new version of him and every night you struggled to find the man you originally fell for. The reality was you were losing him, and every step he took away from you, he was ripping out another piece of your soul. To overcompensate for his shortcomings you made excuses for him and in return he resented you more for it. Where once you thought you had the power over the situation, you soon came to realize just how powerless you truly were over him and his addictions. You didn’t want to accept it, but he had already shut you out, silently moving on, drifting further and further away from you every night.

It wasn’t long before you saw his true colors emerge and his prince charming facade fade. He was a monster and even though you had every opportunity to leave, you still felt imprisoned by him. Your mind and heart were being held captive, but it wasn’t against your will. You were addicted to the illusion and the initial high you first felt when you met him. And even though everything inside you screamed “get clean. stay sober”, you still just couldn’t shake him. Fits of jealousy and rage turned into endless nights of arguments, physical and mental abuse, with nothing but busted holes left in walls to remind you of the night before. He was all consuming because he himself was consumed. The flames had claimed him long before you ever came around and no amount of help could prevent what he already was and what he would always be. You wanted to believe he was more than the remnants of his past and failures. You wanted to save him from everything that ever hurt him but it was you that needed the saving all along.

You didn’t realize that until it was too late. You went up in flames and burned entirely, baring the scars of that man and that relationship forever. No matter how far you run or how much time passes you by, you’ll never forget the one who changed you, the one who burned you, the one who stole your innocence and robbed you of the opportunity to ever love another in that same unguarded way again.  But I know this secret..the burns that have killed others, have only made you a stronger you. I know this because I also bare the same scars. I know what it’s like to consume and be consumed. I don’t regret it or hide from my past or the pains it has caused me. I find power in my truth and I have found a voice in midst of the storm. You can also find that power within yourself to overcome the nightmares of your past. You may have burned for him but you don’t have to burn forever. I didn’t and I won’t. I’ve been burned since but never by that same flame. I’m still growing and learning from my mistakes and paving a new road for myself everyday. Where once I used to cover up and hide my scars, I now embrace them like the battle wounds of a soldier. My future is not limited or hindered because of my past and my ability to love has not been shaken. I know I’ll always be drawn to the flames that dance within the eyes of a pretty face but ultimately I need a strong man, brave enough to tame the fire in mine.

Maybe you’re right.

I used to live in a world of black and white, but now I live in a world of grey. I am the product of many years of maturity, growth and life experiences. Today, I see things very differently. I’m not the naive little girl that once lived in the protected bubble my parents created. Looking back now I see that it was more like a kingdom that they alone ruled and controlled. The years I lived in their care were some of the best memories of my life. We were always sheltered away from the realities of the world. I never knew the depths of depravity that ran rampant right outside our front door. I was unaware of the real life nightmares others around me were living. I thought my upbringing was how everyone was brought up and in my ignorance I judged others from the high pedestal I had been placed on. I thought we were the lucky ones who knew the truth, but it turns out that they all knew better than all of us. Now I see that the world isn’t as simple as my parents made it out to be. Sometimes the “monsters” aren’t the creatures lurking in closet or the boogeyman underneath our beds. Truth is, oftentimes the monsters are those we love most and call, “friend”. Sometimes the ultimate enemy isn’t something or someone attacking us, but instead, the cancer of self-destruction that lies dormant inside ourselves. I was taught to put all my faith and trust into my parents hands, and by doing so, I became emotionally paralyzed and incapable of doing anything for myself. Everything was always done for me and decided for me. My father provided financially and my mother stayed home and raised us. He met our physical needs, while my mother tended to our emotional. Being little girls, I don’t think they realized just how great the effect our father’s lack of presence would have in our lives. Since our relationship with him suffered all along, so did we.

I was taught to never trust anyone else but my immediate family and make my decisions based on doubt and anxiety. I was never allowed to venture outside my parents overly- protective reach, and in time our home began to feel more like a prison instead of the fantasy castle we once believed it to be. In time, the walls that once protected us, would become nothing more than impenetrable barriers we could never be free from. Although meaning well, my parents suffocated me and had me living like a drone, subjected to a way of life and thinking they thought was best for me. Anytime I challenged that notion or their stance in anyway, there were consequences. Sometimes those consequences were far to harsh for a young girl of my age. Really, I don’t remember living a day without fear of judgment or not feeling under pressure. Many times I felt my existence was to better and protect the existence of my sisters, and others around me. I was the “guinea pig” and the “black sheep” since birth. Dubbed my parents “love child” only to be referred to as, “the problem child” in latter years. I would come to pave the way for my sisters, but it would cost me plenty of psychological damage, physical bruises and emotional scars that would follow me for the rest of my life. My sisters only know so much, and then their memory grows weary. It’s possible they may have even forgotten how bad it got, but I never did. Sometimes I can visually imagine that “road I paved for them” solely made up of my blood, my sweat and bitter tears. Even now, I don’t believe that they understand how traumatizing it was to be me growing up, especially being a sensitive, people pleaser like I am. I’m not trying to paint myself as some sort of scapegoat or victim, but if you’re going by the actual definition of those names, and all of my countless years of therapy I had listening to a professional pick me apart and diagnose me, than those labels were exactly what I was. Naturally, I’d become super defensive and want to rationalize all the bad. I didn’t want to believe the reality of what I’d experienced and I was in denial of it for a very long time. In many ways I still think some of my family is in somewhat denial of it or they want to play it down. I’ve accepted that they will never understand it as I do, and really, I don’t want them to. As much I gained by fighting my way out and breaking free, I still remained a prisoner to the mentality I was raised in. And so began the arduous struggle between my truth, and that of my families.

I know I was close minded for a very long time, shut off and far removed from everything and everyone. I lived, thought, breathed, reacted, processed and loved in constant fear. I knew I was loved, but I was never shown it in the ways I so desperately needed in order to feel it. I never felt quite right in my own skin, and I remember the many days I dreamt of eventually becoming someone else.

I know that as a child, I thought that puberty not only changed your physical man, but also your inner man. Somehow I thought that one day I’d wake up as someone else with a different filter of emotions and mentality, but that never happened. Puberty came and went, but I was still the same old me. Only difference was, I became more and more aware of my inability to be what others wanted me to be. I would struggle my whole life to meet their expectations, but in their eyes, I would continue to fail miserably. I sometimes look back on my decisions and wonder how many were really mine, and how many were done for the sake of “keeping the peace” or as an act of pure rebellion. I guess I’ll never know and it really makes no difference now, since the past has come and gone. But the pain has changed me and molded me into a different person. I see the world through knowledgeable and understanding eyes. I feel and follow my heart and emotions more than I do my head these days. I have grown so much in the last few years and learned to separate the image others have of me, from the actuality of who I am. I’m not a robot that can be controlled and set aside when they’ve grown tired of me. I have cried enough tears for those that have claimed to love me. It’s time I dried my own eyes and lived for myself, and so I have. I’m no longer seeking the conditional love and approval of others.

Some of you have irrevocably damaged me, and gone about life as if it never happened, checking on me every so often, to help you sleep better at night. Although forgiven, I have not forgotten your heartless acts and I will never allow myself to be hurt by you in those ways ever again. If you burned me, just know I burned that bridge that united us when you betrayed me. If you destroyed me once, I promised myself to never let you have that chance to do that to me again. My mantra has become a “take me as I am” philosophy in regards to my life. If you don’t like it, keep it moving. I’m done begging, chasing, and holding onto people that only want to stray. As Robert Frost one said,

“I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.”

See, the thing is, you don’t have to like me, agree with me or condone my actions, decisions and behaviors. You don’t have to like who I am friends with or who I chose to date. You don’t have to tell me what you “feel” is right or wrong, or tell me how I should live my life. You’re sole purpose in my life is to love me in spite of everything I am and everything I’m not. You’re role is to encourage, uplift and try to understand. If I haven’t asked you for your opinion or thoughts, than honestly I couldn’t care less what you have to say. As much as I have tirelessly loved so many of you, I have reached my breaking point and I am at the end of my rope. I cannot do for you, fix you, make you happy, or be the person you want me to be anymore. I was a victim of my past, but now I’ve found my voice. I am more than my mistakes and what has been done to me. I am more than just a mother, a sister, daughter, aunt, niece, granddaughter or friend. I am an entity all my own and if you want to be a part of my life, it’s gonna have to be on my terms. I’m not censoring, filtering, or watering down any part of myself to accommodate anyone else. If you love me like you “claim to” love me then this decision will make no difference to you. I’m so fed up with being condemned and questioned. I’ve changed in recent years and I am not following suit like I used to. Others say they are overwhelmed with trying to keep tabs on me and feel helpless, but guess what? I’ve lived in that feeling for over 3 decades. Some of you can’t take this small portion of rebellion in the last 3 years! I have spent my entire life, saving others and always being there for them. I had a good run but now the emotions are too great to be bottled and my wings are too big to be held down. It took what felt like an eternity, but now I see that I am actually free. I know now that there is so much that I’m still getting wrong, but along the bumps in the road there are some fundamental truths, I’ve gotten right. And maybe that’s really what life is all about? Carving out your own path along the many that surround you. Maybe life is about taking chances and making mistakes while learning to stand on your own two feet. Either way, I believe we all come to that moment in life where we stand facing the fork in the road, and have to choose which road to take. Even with all the pain and loss I have felt, I can be honest and say that I wouldn’t do it any different. I wouldn’t take it back or erase on of my experiences, good or bad. Maybe you’re right when you say I’m nothing like the girl I used to be. Maybe change hurts but with it comes growth. Today, I choose to believe that all of that black and white throughout the course of my life, helped to soften me to reflect a lighter shade of grey.

To whoever dares to love me,

Dear loved one,

I know this letter is bound to upset you, but I’d like to apologize for it in advance. Bare with me as I shed my skin and reveal my truest self. I guess the best way to put it to you, would be to say, I am a mess. And when I say “a mess” I don’t mean the kind you can ignore and simply sweep under the rug and be done with. I’m the kind of mess that hoards piles of unresolved issues in any and every dark place you can imagine. I hide them from my own self, but I hide them especially from you. I prefer to show you the softer side of my personality, to keep you from the ugliness that lies beneath.

It’s safe to say that I am a roller coaster of emotions because I possess this innate ability to feel everything so much more than the next person. Luckily for you, this will work in your favor because I will be able to love you unconditionally and uniquely, the love I give, I guarantee you; you will find nowhere else. No one will think of you more or consider your feelings more than I do. No one will protect you, comfort you and console you in the unspoken ways I only know how. No one will be as consumed with you and your emotions than I am. When you are with me, I will make you the center of my universe and you’ll feel that. I would willing subject myself to any negative situation or thing, just to ensure you never shed a tear. You’ll hurt me often, but I’ll never show it or hold it against you. In all your imperfections you will be absolutely perfect to me. Understand that this “superpower” to love greatly comes at a great cost, and in turn I have suffered because it is also my greatest weakness. It makes me prone to dark moods, physical sickness, random bouts of heightened anxiety and prolonged depression. I am literally drained mentally, physically and emotionally whenever I leave you because regardless of what I’m feeling I will give you all of me, even if that is barely anything at all. I will save nothing for myself because your happiness brings me true joy. Every sacrifice comes with a price, and I’ll usually be the one to foot the bill. I can’t help it, it’s my nature and belief. As hard as I’ve tried to “put myself first,” I cant, just as sure as I can’t convince you to believe the sky is red.

Sometimes I won’t be able to cry and other times I’ll cry too much. I’ll have a smile on my face regardless of which mood I’m in, because I never want to worry you. I am like a person with chronic physical pain, I am always hurting, but only internally. I’m silently carrying the weight of the world and its problems all on my own. I am the one that needs saving, but I’m the first to lend a hand when everything else is falling apart. Helping you and being there for you is my calling and without it I feel as if I’ve lost my purpose. I am so heavily invested in you, even if I fail to show it at all times. You’re in my heart, prayers, thoughts and dreams. You’re precious and irreplaceable to me.

I should also tell you that I am indecisive and fickle about everything. I go back and forth with my feelings and thoughts because I am someone who over analyzes and dwells on experiences. I do it as a means of understanding myself and others.  I thirst for understanding and knowledge. I’m either completely indifferent or totally consumed. Its not in my DNA to be in between. I am very secretive, but it’s mostly my fault, because I can’t open up. I gave everything to a best friend that died prematurely and to an addictive ex that took complete advantage of me. Growing up, my father paid very little attention to me unless he was angry. I never heard kind words from my dad nor was he ever affectionate. I learned very early on that the only person i can fully depend on is myself. So I tend to omit and shut down a lot.

Secrets make you sick and I have more secrets than you could ever imagine. Please know I never mean to manipulate you under any circumstance. I come across insincere or chameleon like, because I truly long to be whatever person you need me to be whenever I am around you. Setting myself aside isn’t a choice, it’s the way I’m wired. I never want to hurt or disappoint you, so sometimes I omit my own truths to spare you unnecessary worry. Trust me when I say, I worry and stress enough for the both of us.

I know you love me, but be aware that I will test that love all the time.  As much as I have faith in you and your abilities I have even more faith in myself to somehow fuck it up. I constantly wonder if I am enough or not enough for you. I’ll have moments of weakness and be unable to compose myself but don’t worry, I’ll figure it out on my own because you can’t help. Not really, so don’t exhaust yourself trying. Best bet is to just be there for me and hug me when I fall apart. If I let you see this side of me know that this is the closest you will ever be able to get to me. It will go no further because I can’t give more than that to anyone anymore. I’ll shut down and deflect. I hate even the idea of vulnerability, let alone vulnerability itself.

I have lots of abandonment issues and where it stems from I’m not quite sure. All I know is that those scars are there and I find myself waiting for that other shoe to drop constantly in every friendship and relationship. It’s not really you that I don’t trust, it’s more so me. I know myself best and I realize how defective and tarnished I am. I have been through things I’ll never speak of aloud. My self esteem and confidence is down to nothing, so it won’t matter how often or how much you sing my praises, I won’t hear them. I struggle with self hatred. I always have.

That takes me to the other bad habits I have that you’ll try to discourage me from. Sometimes I drink to forget and other times I drink to actually feel. I’m not an addict, but i can be codependent at times. I also have this problem with cutting whenever I feel too out of control, overwhelmed, ashamed or angry with life or myself. I guess it’s my way of punishing myself because I was abused growing up. The last time my father attacked me I was 19. I came home too late and he met me at the front door with a belt. I have never been so terrified in all my life. I vaguely remember the disgusting names he called me as I begged him to stop. I rationalized his outburst and still feel as if I brought that upon myself. Really, I should’ve known better.

For that reason and many others, I do not trust men. They have cheated, lied, damaged, broken and abused me in every way possible and abandoned me emotionally. Men as a whole almost feel like my captors, so this only invokes a greater need to flee or escape. They couldn’t possibly understand these inner demons I fight daily and chances are they probably would just leave like the rest. They think I am stronger than I am and they throw punches that feel like they were meant for giants. Instead of being on the same platform they have put me down and sized me up. In every instance I have failed and not been enough. I have not loved hard enough, forgiven enough or believed enough, so in turn their faults have fallen on me.

Because of all my childhood issues, I have this undying need for constant affection and attention, yet I’m constantly rejecting and pushing everyone away. I confuse and annoy people because they never know where they stand with me and the reason is because I don’t know either. I’m sure this probably goes back to the conditional and abusive love I knew even in friendships. My best friend in grade school was the big sister I never had, until one night at a sleepover I awoke to her molesting me. I pushed her off and left to be alone in the open living room. I didn’t want to tell or call my parents because I assumed that maybe I had done something to give her the impression that I wanted more. I blocked out the memory and went about life as if it never happened. I carried that shame and still do. This is why when you find yourself growing close to me, I’ll unexpectedly go M.I.A. As much as I love close bonds, they have this profound ability to mentally break me down and emotionally destroy me. I don’t want to be too open again and I don’t want to make someone believe I’m willing to give something I’m not.

I know you’ll scold me for this, but to me, sex is a physical act and not an emotional connection anymore. One reason I feel this was is because the night my sister was raped I looked into the eyes of the man who destroyed her. He was cold and soulless, and for the exception of his breath, it’s hard to imagine he even had a heart. He went in and stole my sister’s purity and I left believing sex was something tangible that could be taken away at any given moment. I know you’ll try to tell me It wasn’t my fault, but it doesn’t matter what words of consolation you’ll use, I am damaged because of it. She never again was the same and I haven’t been either. I won’t talk about it and I’ll never bring it up. It hurts too badly to remember the monster, it’s hard to separate that from every other man. Along with my theories of sex, my ex often withheld it from me for various reasons, one mainly being his inability to get hard because of all the pain killers he was snorting or smoking. I was so unaware and because of that, I came to believe that he didn’t want me sexually because I was so undesirable. I starved myself and worked out 2 times a day to get as small as possible. I wore more provocative clothes and made sure to always go to bed in something sexy that would grab his attention. It worked for a short time but then he went back to his old patterns. I took diet pills and felt like a sex toy he could just take out and use when he wanted and put back when he didn’t. He rejected me on tons of occasions and finally I stopped asking. I cried myself to sleep hundreds of nights praying for a different existence. It seemed as though every other man could see me but him. All the attention made me feel dirty and I avoided going out as much as possible. I was desperate for love and attention but instead I was ignored and resented. I changed my hair so many times and even got colored contacts to drastically change my outer appearance. It didn’t matter though, the woman underneath it all was still me. I know you’ll read this and try to convince me of a kind of beauty I have, but I’m telling you don’t bother. It will go in one ear and out the other. I wear an image and it is intended to keep people off my back. Deep down I’m still that insecure girl from grade school pretending not to be scared. You wouldn’t know it though because I was the center of attention, the outspoken student and the outgoing friend. I put others at ease but internally I was at odds with myself. I hoped one day to grow out of it but the wounds only deepened. Cuts became canyons and tears became rivers. I lost myself in all the wreckage, but you would’ve never known I was so miserable unless i told you.

I know that I am more than you expected and more twisted than I seemed, but I hope in telling you all this, you’ll somehow feel comforted by your efforts to reach me. I see you more than you see me. I pray for you and want nothing but good things for you. Just don’t give up on me, okay? I’m trying to get better and learn new ways of coping. I don’t want to be fixed, I just want to be loved and even when my actions don’t reflect that don’t lose heart. Every effort is helping me find that next step to faith and self discovery all over again. Thank you for loving me in all the unique ways you all do. I appreciate you and love you so much!

Thanks for always listening.

xoxo,

Nessa