It started on an impulse, that quickly grew to fascination, developed into an infatuation, only later to become an undeniable obsession. I wasn’t looking for anything or anyone when my world got flipped upside down. I was just so desperate to escape and breathe again. I wanted to encounter something that’d make me feel alive, and I guess he did just that.
Maybe it’s because he never gave too much, but just enough. He was never fully present, yet somehow always around. Convenient, but messy and I knew that going forward we’d never be more than what we were. I knew there would be no courtship or future. I knew we could never be for a plethora of reasons. That’s probably one of the reasons I was so attracted to him and drawn in. He was forbidden fruit that I was determined to one day taste. I knew he wasn’t forever, just another to “catch and release”, and I told myself that was enough. It was arrogant of me to believe that I’d be in control of any of this. October came, I blew out the candles, and made my birthday wish. Should’ve listened when he said, “be careful what you wish for”.
It wasn’t until he touched me that I realized how cold and indifferent I’d become. In quiet moments he liked to hold me, and it always confused me. It had been so long since I felt a genuinely loving gaze. I’d forgotten what true intimacy was since I’d become accustomed to being used and left to drift off to sleep alone. My true companion, was the solitude I felt for so many of those years. That’s why he began to scare me away, when he attempted to try and hold any conversation of real substance with me. He wanted my secrets dreams, but all I ever gave him was half truths and surface conversations . He wanted to understand my thoughts, but he was instead met with cold sarcasm and deflection. It was very confusing how I’d become so attached to someone I’d claimed to be so unattached to. I wrote it off as “just physical” but that was a total lie. In truth, there seemed to be this unspoken understanding between he and I. We were under the same pretenses and implications. In a twisted and strange way, we were kindred spirits, with a need we couldn’t quite put our finger on. We spent many long nights fulfilling that need with endless lovemaking, whiskey and Marlboro cigarettes.
I drowned in the sea of love once and I can tell you, there was nothing beautiful or romantic about it. In fact it hurt like a bitch! It was excruciating, painful and unrelenting. Love became my dangerous addiction and I learned how to compartmentalize all my thoughts and emotions after losing it. Some days I hated that I ever loved someone to the point of neglecting my own sanity. Other days I remember how I would’ve happily laid down my life for such a love. But love cannot flourish or even sustain any real depth with only one sided sacrifices. It must be all or nothing on both ends. Still it never stopped me from molding myself to fit his needs and wants. I stowed away the parts of myself that weren’t pleasing or compatible to him, and watered down my personality to help him feel more secure in himself. I gave up my peace of mind for his happiness and received nothing but lies and deception in the end.
Being honest, all I’ve ever known of love was dark, in many ways I still feel it rather grim.
Guess that’s where “Mr. Catch and Release” casually stepped in and caught my attention.
I knew he understood that feeling of loving someone so much, you could end up losing yourself in them. I know he knew it from a different point of view because he was like the man I had left, and I similar to the woman he lost. It was foolish to think that we could somehow fill the void left by those that came before us, but we still tried. I knew he never saw me the way he saw her, and i knew i could never love him the way i loved my him. I knew him better than he ever knew me though. I always had a poker face that was often accompanied by my indifferent behavior. He couldn’t read between the lines, and he was constantly left in the dark when it came to my emotions. Truth was, I just wanted him, but he wouldn’t believe me. He treated me as an option, while he had no idea how badly others were wishing to be in his place, lying next to me. His wandering eyes never saw the signs and I was in no place emotionally to stop and explain them. There were so many subtle moments he didn’t see how he was freely given the attention others begged for. He must of thought I was that same way with everyone, i guess. He never said the words, so I ventured off into the arms of many new endeavors and met many beautiful eyes with only blurred faces. Some talked about my beauty, some just craved my touch, and others spoke of a connection they felt towards me that I never reciprocated. I won’t over romanticize it because it was all mainly bullshit! But I also can’t lie and say that I wasn’t lying next to another, having my thoughts constantly running back to him; wondering how he was, where he’d been and if he still was living in that same regret I left him in. I felt jealousy knowing there were others that came after and even during me. Still, who was I to talk? I was keeping secrets of my own too. Guess we got a dose of our own medicine.
I have to say that being with him was like coming up for air after being under water for too long. I gasped as I took that deep breath into my lung, feeling the painful burn of my entire being come back to life. In that moment I felt everything I’d suppressed for so long, and it was a bittersweet torture, an incredible high, incomparable to any other adrenaline rush. He was the sort of drug I was all too familiar with, deadly in every way possible. He wasn’t supposed to mean anything to me, but he ultimately did. He wasn’t supposed to be the one to make me “feel” but he had. And even though I never gave him my heart, he somehow was able to make it beat again. It was a poisonous cycle.
He was a blessing and a curse. Taking me high only to later leave me to crash down alone into more confusion. He was a different kind of brokenness that I’d never known before. Internally I was drawn to his pain and wanted to somehow heal it or take it away, but it was so powerful that it overtook the both of us. We would repeatedly run away from each other, only to run towards each other over and over again. “We were with and without”. We were never in the same place at the same time, emotionally or mentally. He was obsessed with chasing the past, and I determined to remain “feeling” in the present. By the time I’d come to this realization he was trying to win her back and I was trying to see if there was more in his eyes for me that I hadn’t seen before. It was too late on both ends. I continued to keep the door half open for him and he kept the door unlocked for me. I was ruthless and he was cruel. I was moody and he was always silent when I needed his words most. It became a cycle that lasted longer than it should have. It’s been so exhausting chasing a boy, who’s still chasing the ghost of a girl he once fell in love with. This is me raising my white flag.
It’s time I closed the half open door I’ve kept for him and lock it shut forever. I need to allow him to become like one of the many strangers I’ve met, with blurred faces and beautiful eyes.
Truth is, he never deserved my attention, my loyalty, my body or emotions. He didn’t care and he doesn’t even realize all he’s done and all he’s allowed to slip through his fingers. Years from now he’ll be living in the same pattern of behaviors, fucking the same kind of girls, except these will have younger faces but have the same old names. He’ll drink to try to forget, but he’s cursed forever to remember.
I love you, but I am not, nor was I ever “in love” with you. I’ll admit you did resemble the ghost of the boy I’d fallen in love with once many years ago. I chased his ghost in you until i realized that what has happened in the past must remain there. You were never him. I was never her. It’s true you were never mine and I’ll admit it, but you are wrong to believe I was ever yours. You can keep the feelings, memories and shitty conversations. You’ll need them for the next nobody that comes along that you’ll try to make into a somebody. Till then, I’ll just pretend to be over it and continue to try and distract my thoughts any way I can from wandering back to you.