It started on an impulse, that quickly grew to fascination, developed into an infatuation, only later to become an undeniable obsession. I wasn’t looking for anything or anyone when my world got flipped upside down. I was just so desperate to escape and breathe again. I wanted to encounter something that’d make me feel alive, and I guess he did just that.
Maybe it’s because he never gave too much, but just enough. He was never fully present, yet somehow always around. Convenient, but messy and I knew that going forward we’d never be more than what we were. I knew there would be no courtship or future. I knew we could never be for a plethora of reasons. That’s probably one of the reasons I was so attracted to him and drawn in. He was forbidden fruit that I was determined to one day taste. I knew he wasn’t forever, just another to “catch and release”, and I told myself that was enough. It was arrogant of me to believe that I’d be in control of any of this. October came, I blew out the candles, and made my birthday wish. Should’ve listened when he said, “be careful what you wish for”.
It wasn’t until he touched me that I realized how cold and indifferent I’d become. In quiet moments he liked to hold me, and it always confused me. It had been so long since I felt a genuinely loving gaze. I’d forgotten what true intimacy was since I’d become accustomed to being used and left to drift off to sleep alone. My true companion, was the solitude I felt for so many of those years. That’s why he began to scare me away, when he attempted to try and hold any conversation of real substance with me. He wanted my secrets dreams, but all I ever gave him was half truths and surface conversations . He wanted to understand my thoughts, but he was instead met with cold sarcasm and deflection. It was very confusing how I’d become so attached to someone I’d claimed to be so unattached to. I wrote it off as “just physical” but that was a total lie. In truth, there seemed to be this unspoken understanding between he and I. We were under the same pretenses and implications. In a twisted and strange way, we were kindred spirits, with a need we couldn’t quite put our finger on. We spent many long nights fulfilling that need with endless lovemaking, whiskey and Marlboro cigarettes.
I drowned in the sea of love once and I can tell you, there was nothing beautiful or romantic about it. In fact it hurt like a bitch! It was excruciating, painful and unrelenting. Love became my dangerous addiction and I learned how to compartmentalize all my thoughts and emotions after losing it. Some days I hated that I ever loved someone to the point of neglecting my own sanity. Other days I remember how I would’ve happily laid down my life for such a love. But love cannot flourish or even sustain any real depth with only one sided sacrifices. It must be all or nothing on both ends. Still it never stopped me from molding myself to fit his needs and wants. I stowed away the parts of myself that weren’t pleasing or compatible to him, and watered down my personality to help him feel more secure in himself. I gave up my peace of mind for his happiness and received nothing but lies and deception in the end.
Being honest, all I’ve ever known of love was dark, in many ways I still feel it rather grim.
Guess that’s where “Mr. Catch and Release” casually stepped in and caught my attention.
I knew he understood that feeling of loving someone so much, you could end up losing yourself in them. I know he knew it from a different point of view because he was like the man I had left, and I similar to the woman he lost. It was foolish to think that we could somehow fill the void left by those that came before us, but we still tried. I knew he never saw me the way he saw her, and i knew i could never love him the way i loved my him. I knew him better than he ever knew me though. I always had a poker face that was often accompanied by my indifferent behavior. He couldn’t read between the lines, and he was constantly left in the dark when it came to my emotions. Truth was, I just wanted him, but he wouldn’t believe me. He treated me as an option, while he had no idea how badly others were wishing to be in his place, lying next to me. His wandering eyes never saw the signs and I was in no place emotionally to stop and explain them. There were so many subtle moments he didn’t see how he was freely given the attention others begged for. He must of thought I was that same way with everyone, i guess. He never said the words, so I ventured off into the arms of many new endeavors and met many beautiful eyes with only blurred faces. Some talked about my beauty, some just craved my touch, and others spoke of a connection they felt towards me that I never reciprocated. I won’t over romanticize it because it was all mainly bullshit! But I also can’t lie and say that I wasn’t lying next to another, having my thoughts constantly running back to him; wondering how he was, where he’d been and if he still was living in that same regret I left him in. I felt jealousy knowing there were others that came after and even during me. Still, who was I to talk? I was keeping secrets of my own too. Guess we got a dose of our own medicine.
I have to say that being with him was like coming up for air after being under water for too long. I gasped as I took that deep breath into my lung, feeling the painful burn of my entire being come back to life. In that moment I felt everything I’d suppressed for so long, and it was a bittersweet torture, an incredible high, incomparable to any other adrenaline rush. He was the sort of drug I was all too familiar with, deadly in every way possible. He wasn’t supposed to mean anything to me, but he ultimately did. He wasn’t supposed to be the one to make me “feel” but he had. And even though I never gave him my heart, he somehow was able to make it beat again. It was a poisonous cycle.
He was a blessing and a curse. Taking me high only to later leave me to crash down alone into more confusion. He was a different kind of brokenness that I’d never known before. Internally I was drawn to his pain and wanted to somehow heal it or take it away, but it was so powerful that it overtook the both of us. We would repeatedly run away from each other, only to run towards each other over and over again. “We were with and without”. We were never in the same place at the same time, emotionally or mentally. He was obsessed with chasing the past, and I determined to remain “feeling” in the present. By the time I’d come to this realization he was trying to win her back and I was trying to see if there was more in his eyes for me that I hadn’t seen before. It was too late on both ends. I continued to keep the door half open for him and he kept the door unlocked for me. I was ruthless and he was cruel. I was moody and he was always silent when I needed his words most. It became a cycle that lasted longer than it should have. It’s been so exhausting chasing a boy, who’s still chasing the ghost of a girl he once fell in love with. This is me raising my white flag.
It’s time I closed the half open door I’ve kept for him and lock it shut forever. I need to allow him to become like one of the many strangers I’ve met, with blurred faces and beautiful eyes.
Truth is, he never deserved my attention, my loyalty, my body or emotions. He didn’t care and he doesn’t even realize all he’s done and all he’s allowed to slip through his fingers. Years from now he’ll be living in the same pattern of behaviors, fucking the same kind of girls, except these will have younger faces but have the same old names. He’ll drink to try to forget, but he’s cursed forever to remember.
I love you, but I am not, nor was I ever “in love” with you. I’ll admit you did resemble the ghost of the boy I’d fallen in love with once many years ago. I chased his ghost in you until i realized that what has happened in the past must remain there. You were never him. I was never her. It’s true you were never mine and I’ll admit it, but you are wrong to believe I was ever yours. You can keep the feelings, memories and shitty conversations. You’ll need them for the next nobody that comes along that you’ll try to make into a somebody. Till then, I’ll just pretend to be over it and continue to try and distract my thoughts any way I can from wandering back to you.
When the hell did my life become a Drake song? When did I become every single thing I have ever hated? Why am I still running now that I’m finally free? Why am I still so afraid? I question myself every day but like the pendulum that swings back and forth, I’m never am sure quite where I’ll end up. I’m trying to strike a balance but I’m struggling to do, that as I find my own way.
Maybe it is all my fault. I never spoke up and said exactly how I felt or even now what it is I feel. Always so concerned with others emotions and feelings, I neglected my own. I never wanted to hurt anyone, yet inadvertently my actions always do. I hate when people try to box me in and label me. I’m more than a face, a body, I’m an empathetic soul, heartbroken, but haven’t lost faith in the power of love.
It’s never the love of others I fear, it is my love that I feel for them that makes me stay away. I don’t want to engage any deeper than shallow waters. I don’t want to answer beyond my definitive “yes” or “no” responses. I don’t want to be “saved”, but I wouldn’t mind being found. I’d love to be understood and accepted wholly as a person instead of a personality. I’d love to be someone’s reality and not just some dream, a mystery over a fantasy.
I’m easy going and yet fickle. Easy to read yet complex. I’m comfortable in any setting, but still restless in my own skin. I’m a walking contradiction. A free spirit who often feels loneliest in big cities and large crowds. I’ve never watched the “Walking Dead” but I swear I could be some sort of character on it.
In other unimportant news, I went to psychic today and can say that I’ve never felt so connected to a stranger before. The way she read me was like a book, page by page, line for line. I felt completely naked and exposed and in her eyes I could see my reflection. To be honest, I hated what I saw. She told me shit like, “my options were many but because of my inability to be vulnerable, I am unable to fully connect to any possible romantic endeavor. I fear myself more than anything or anyone. I don’t trust myself nor do I believe in myself enough to even allow another to see me as a whole”. She said “You take bits and pieces of yourself and you give them away, but these people don’t know you really. You don’t let them see you because if they did, they’d never want to leave you, but instead you withhold and withdraw.” I couldn’t help but feel the tears begin to well up in my eyes and the familiar sting in my heart take my breath away. She made me feel the way they all do, which is to run away and seclude myself in my insecurities and sadness. I know what she meant and all she said was the absolute truth. I’m running from anything that makes me feel. I’m running from anyone who tries to scratch beyond my surface. I run out of; vulnerability, out of pain but mostly out of fear. I don’t know how to connect with another human being on a full and 100% honest level and that in itself terrifies me.
Superficial conversation and sexy pillow talk is easy to hide behind. It lets me keep my wings open and ready for flight, should I feel any sort of fear creep in. They think that by slowly approaching me I won’t react by flying away. They’re always wrong and I’m always leaving. Easy to catch, but extremely hard to keep. My heart is guarded by impenetrable walls that instead of protecting me from the outside world have now become the very thing that makes me feel suffocated and alone. I thought I was doing right by shutting down and placing my heart in a tower far from the reach of the world, but it did more harm than good. And somehow even though I have not allowed myself to fall fully into someone else, they have still managed to wound my sensitive heart. I hate it. But I can never hate them. I love them in my own special ways, but I can’t be caged or kept. I won’t be weighed down by another’s hand, regardless of who’s hand that might, be it a lover or friend.
Reality is too brutal, too harsh, so I am always craving and seeking out some form of escapism. Today it might be you, tomorrow maybe someone else. For that, I won’t apologize. I owe no one a god damn thing!! I am mess. But I’m my own mess and for the first time I’m learning to embrace every part of me, especially the parts I’ve kept hidden away for so long. I don’t expect anyone to really get it or understand where I am coming from. All I want is compassion, understanding and love. Saying something doesn’t make it so, and telling me who I am and what I’m not, won’t work either. I need to learn how to unlock all these doors and bring down this protective walls around my heart. Should the day ever come, It’ll take a strong and willing heart to completely win over mine. I’ve left that up to God to figure out and in the meantime I’m focusing on me.
People often forget that I am still healing, recovering and learning as I go. I make mistakes and don’t live in the shadow of my regrets for the sake of anyone’s happiness anymore. Today was just a confirmation of all I have been feeling and every emotion I’d been avoiding. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I don’t trust myself in the slightest bit, but I’m deciding to not give up on myself and just run. I’ve tried running and all I do is continue to run right back into myself. I don’t need a knight in shinning armor. I don’t need the fancy gifts or over the top gestures of love. I could settle for some real self love. I know when I see it that I’ll believe in it. Till then I’m going to keep trudging along in these shallow waters until I’m strong enough to face the tide again. I’m regaining my strength and someday I’ll brave the currents that now weigh me so heavily down. I’ll find my way, I always do.
It is taken me years to truly grasp the significance and meaning of true, unconditional love. Logically, I can understand the concept, but internally I’ve struggled emotionally to connect the two.I’ve been unable to accept it, yet I can give it freely, always able to forgive those who never really demonstrated that love for me in the moments i needed them most.
I don’t believe in the saying “If you can’t love yourself, you cant love anyone else” It simply isn’t true. I’m a living testament to the opposite of that quote. I’ve loved monsters before, and all it did was destroy me, never diminishing the unconditional love I had specifically for each of them. To me, love is a choice a person must choose to make daily. Love is a continuous sacrificial gift. It is a constant labor of love.
It’s strange to feel as though, I’m giving something, that I feel has always been denied to me. Because i know how love is, i know it does not have conditions or restrictions. Love is not based on how I act, the choices I make, or don’t make. Love is not based on how I look, dress or behave. Love is not based on who I choose to love and have relationships with, or those I choose to put behind me. Love is not supposed to be painful and ridden with lies. Love is not remembering every mistake I’ve ever made, and rubbing it in my face when I’m at my lowest point. Love is not about keeping score continually, forcing me to prove myself, unwilling to see my value or worth, over and over again.
Love is not controlling, demanding, selfish, unforgiving or proud. Love is not holding things over my head with expectations. Love is not manipulation or shaming. Love is not based on the career I choose, or the car I drive. Love is not speaking poorly behind my back, then turning around and smiling in my face.
Love is not self-seeking or self-righteous. Love is not hypocritical or cruel. Love is never vicious or mean. Love does not retaliate or negotiate. Love does not hold grudges or hinder growth. Love does not find happiness and discord in wrongdoing. Love does not speak unkind words, only meant to harm and wound others.
Love does not hesitate to act or react in loving ways. Love is not speaking down to someone or condemning them for not being as you would have them. Love does not critique or put down. Love never has malicious intent. Love is not punching walls and throwing things. Love is not pushing and screaming. Love is not ignoring someone, because they’ve done something you didn’t like.
Love doesn’t keep tally of wrongs and mistakes. Love is not isolating, destructive, abusive or consistently walking on egg shells. Love is not abandoning someone when they need you most. Love is never mean spirited or thoughtless.
Love is not being unfaithful and being a keeper of secrets and lies of ommission. Love does not manipulate or contradict itself. Love does not condescend or apprehend when someone is lost. Love is never convenient, controlling or possessive. Love is not based on obligation, but given freely as a choice everyday in every way. Love is also not about covering your insecurities with vapid relationships,only meant to distract your from your pain.
Love is not based on my relationship with God or whether or not I attend a church religiously. Love is not impatient and easily angered. Love despises sickness and untruths. Love is not withholding affection because one is angry with another. Love isn’t leaving words unspoken that could give life. Love can never bloom from words of hatred and death. Love does not have double standards, or place people into little categories. Love does not discriminate based on sex preference, color, race, sexuality, or background. Love does not delight in unfairness and lies of omission. Love is not neglectful. Love is not a war. Love is not a simple word, but a mentality, a lifestyle, a daily decision from an open giving heart.
For a long time many of these negative connotations about love have been what I have associated the word and emotion with. Love has been unpredictable, abusive, unkind, even though I did and acted in the opposite of how I was treated, I still continued to love unconditionally with every part of my heart and soul. I didn’t know the sort of love I gave existed until I opened my eyes, and heart and tears, – the truth that others have spoken to me have shown me what love is and has breathed life back into my empty Soul. Their love has given me back my wings and lifted me from the dark pit I was held captive in. In my sin, drunkenness, my confusion, and disarray, they called me special, beautiful and full of purpose. They loved me and continue to love me even though I struggle to find ways to truly love myself. They’ve shown me God through their understanding and grace. It is a love I feel as though I don’t deserve and will never be able to fully repay. Sometimes you can know something completely, and yet be totally unaffected by it emotionally. You can know you are loved and never feel one ounce of it. You can be told you’re beautiful, but never have someone really make you feel beautiful. Sometimes words are not enough, and where they fail to communicate that, love is what steps in and acts.
I know who loves me unconditionally, but what I need is to feel that love everyday and every way. Maybe this makes me sound needy or pathetic in some way, but I really don’t care. Not anymore. I don’t want the love others have claimed to have for me. I want to feel the genuine love others can show me. Words are everything to me but without actions to solidify them, your love is not real. I know I’m a lot to handle at times, sometimes I make it difficult to understand me and there are so many things that have made me into Who I am that are hard to take in all at once. But one thing I can promise you, is that if I do love you, no one will ever be able to love you the way that I love you. No one will give you more or praise you the way I know I only can. My love has no regard for situations, Pasts, conditions or boundaries. I will love you in the good and in the bad, the ugly and the beautiful, the old and the new. I will love you wholly, unconditionally, you will feel that every day that passes by. Because to love unconditionally is one of my greatest gifts and today I choose to acknowledge and embrace that gift and no longer refer to it as my lifelong curse. I choose to take pride in the fact that I have a heart that is so resilient and ready to forgive, and love others the way that they need most. Love is not what Ive experienced or known in the past. Today moving forward I will be the love I have always thought and dreamt of as a child. I will be the love I have always needed. I will be that love that conquers all.
“Well, maybe I’m a crook for stealing your heart away
Yeah, maybe I’m a crook for not caring for it
Yeah, maybe I’m a bad, bad, bad, bad person
Well, baby, I know..”
Dear man in the moon,
I can’t sleep tonight.
Sometimes if I’m lucky, I can get some decent sleep here and there, but it’s never consistent, never peaceful. Not since I lost you.
Tonight my thoughts circulate back to you; my dreamer, my believer, my remedy, and my mistake. All of you have changed me and left me missing you every night . We’ve gone our separate ways, but you never left my thoughts. I’m haunted by you, wondering stupidly to myself, if I ever cross any of your minds. I worry that you’ve already forgotten me, in this silence that screams so loud. It’s all so pointless, isn’t it?..
..“And these fingertips
Will never run through your skin
And those bright blue eyes
Can only meet mine across the room filled with people that are less important than you.”
I heard it once said, “everything looks like a glimmer of light, when you’re in complete darkness.” Maybe that’s always been my problem? My throat closes up just writing that now, because I now see the truth. It’s all unavoidable and uncomfortable, but when isn’t the truth? I say things out of anger like,”I wish I could take it all back and forget,” but I’m a liar. Such a liar! I never would. Not then. Not now. Not ever.
“All ’cause you love, love, love
When you know I can’t love
You love, love, love
When you know I can’t love
You love, love, love
When you know I can’t love you”
So many have come in the name of love, trying to woo, with promises, gifts, and charming words, but I remain unfazed and untouched. None of them see me, at least not the real me. They only see my surface and fall in love with it, only to discover later that their beautiful little pond was actually a deep dark lake. There’s nothing wrong with any of you. As cliche as it sounds, I wish I could help you understand that it’s never been you, it’s me. I’m not rejecting you out of fear of your love, I reject you out a fear of mine. My love is dangerous and I’m currently learning healthy ways of harnessing it. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never be able to fully have it controlled or contained, but I’m learning to redirect it into healthy outlets. I’m learning to embrace it and respect it. I can’t live in fear of it forever. I won’t.
“So I think it’s best we both forget before we dwell on it
The way you held me so tight
All through the night
‘Til it was near morning”
If it sounds like I’m talking in circles, it’s because I am. I’m everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. And even though it exhausts me physically, it is this very reason why my mind never sleeps. Insomnia, my most obnoxious companion, is rooted in loneliness and regret, making it impossible to find peace late at night. It is a loneliness of never being understood, and a regret for not being able to express that to others. I do all too often see their faces, replay their words, relive certain moments, but it all ends the same way. I’m always walking away, leaving them before I am left. Why am I always leaving? If only, you all knew that I run away most in those moments I really want to stay. Maybe it is because chaos can never know order. Stability can never know insecurity. Yet somehow I still try.
Truth is, I just need to learn to accept and quit trying to stop these waves of admonitions that come in the dead of night. I need to stop fighting the tide when it pulls me in to take me away to new, foreign and unseen places. Sad part is, that even though I go, pieces of my heart will forever choose to stay. Guess that’s what I fear most about my love, its inability to fully ever let go. I can only give up pieces of myself here and there. And When I give pieces of myself to others, I never ask for them back. Even if I could get them back, I wouldn’t want them. So If I have given you a piece, it’s yours, and I want nothing to do with it anymore. Keep it, it belongs to you now.
Love is a gift, but love is also sacrifice. That’s how I know I loved each of you dearly, because I gave you that love, when I knew I’d have to let you go over and over again, every single night, moving forward.
Thanks for always listening to me ramble, man in the moon. Maybe one day you’ll make sense of all this for me..
“I danced to the rythm
And moved by myself
No one could see through me
Or hear the words I felt..”
I’m sitting on the porch the way you used to. I’m trying to slowly feel the sadness that is overflowing inside of me, without allowing myself to become lost in it. It is a constant power struggle to maintain balance in all aspects of my life. My problem has been that I feel way too much or find myself on the other end of the spectrum at indifference. Black or White. All in or Not at all. Go Big or go home. No happy medium, just pure unbridled passion or total emptiness.
I’ve always been this way. It’s an aspect of myself I strongly dislike.This has been a quality about myself that I have found to be my blessing and a curse all at the same time. It has crippled me feeling one way or another and it has enabled me to wound others and myself in ways that have destroyed relationships forever. Someone once told me that I have a way of making someone feel undeniably loved and accepted. My support and companionship could bring others to new heights they’d never imagined possible for themselves. But I also have witnessed the tears of others, the words of heartbreak that have escaped the lips of some that I have wounded, and the depths of pain I’ve brought them terrifies me. How can an “angel” for one person, be a total “devil” to the next? How can my touch heal and yet also destroy? It blows my mind. It’s caused me to re-evaluate myself in ways that have brought on immense new changes. I refuse to hurt another the same ways I have hurt others in the past. I am done repeating old mistakes, and I’m learning ways to overcome my own insecurities that have caused hurts in the lives of others. It’s a beautiful, painful, uncomfortable yet exciting journey I have found myself on. Recovery and healing is a daily decision and some days I drag more than others. I try to end the days doing something I’d always denied myself for so long, and that is forgiving myself, as well as others. No more ball and chain or heavy burdens to carry. I’ve set myself free and found peace in letting go. The key to doing such a tedious task has come with understanding where my thinking and emotions first developed. Why have I been the way I’ve been for so long? Like a puzzle, I’ve began bringing each piece together, one by one, unveiling the bigger picture I just couldn’t see before.
Since childhood, I’ve always had three voices talking at me, sort of internal voices in my head that were constantly vying for my complete attention and devotion. Two of those three screaming and demanding to be heard, while the other a still small whisper, somehow able to be present amongst the chaos.
The first voice is my logical mind, which I know is full of knowledge and wisdom. She knows reality and truth. Her voice is deep and stern, reiterating the facts of life, even when i try to avoid hearing it. My head says things like “you’re an idiot! What are you thinking? Walk away, you deserve more.” Often it is fueled by guilt and shame in her attempts to get her point across. She likes to remind me of all the mistakes I’ve made, then dictate to me the ways I should live my life each day. My over analytical mind haunts me with horrible memories I wish I could erase. She replays scenarios, arguments, specifically words that have wounded and destroyed me over time. You’d think she’d let up and have some sympathy considering all the shit I’ve been through, but she she feels no remorse, only anger. She believes all of it I brought upon myself, for not listening to her. I wish she could be more empathetic but that is not her role, which she often chimes in quickly to remind me. Her thoughts consistently at war at all times with the second voice inside me demanding to be heard.
The second voice, more appealing and high pitched, often likes to taunt me with questions like “what if?” and “And maybe this one’s different?” Her voice so charming and full of compassion, she is the voice i tend to listen to most, and she is my super sensitive heart. She is completely broken and in pieces, yet somehow feels entitled to try and mend in others, what she cannot mend within herself quite yet. Her voice has coaxed me into the arms of manipulative men, telling me that somehow maybe she can change them. She’s gotten me to open up to friends that weren’t healthy or uplifting, only to try and prove that second chances bring new behaviors. She lives off hope and the goodness that exists in others, even when there may be no goodness in them to be found. She clings passionately to beautiful ideas that are only gusts of wind, meant to only to be breezes passing through. She doesn’t want anything to do with my mind because she says it goes against everything she dreams of and desires. She asks “Where is the passion in logic? How will you find contentment in the mundane? You know you can’t. Even if all I ever cause you is pain, the truth is, I’m the only thing that makes you feel alive!” She likes to hide mostly behind humor and dry sarcasm, wishing for someone to come along and expose her, but no one ever does. No one realizes she’s the one usually speaking most of the time, but when she gets mistreated and hurt, which is often, she recoils back into her shell. She despises injustice and mistreatment and does not know how to cope with it. Now a days she is a hermit living under the watchful eye of my logic, still dreaming of breathing life into her fantasies and making them realities, but since her last heartbreak she’s not as in control as she used to be. Although she never ages, no matter the time, place or person, she fails to accept the harshness of tainted love. She wants what she wants, when she wants it, but 9 times out of 10, what she wants isn’t what she needs. And when it comes to needs, logic quickly swoops back in to try and take over yet again.
And last but not least, there is that quiet whisper that often twists my insides and robs me of all peace and sleep in the night. She hums lullabies from my childhood and is the essence of the very soul that I am. She is the first inner voice I remember hearing even as a little girl. She lives in the core of my gut, she is my intuition. She somehow knows everything before my logic and my heart, and senses the energy of others I come into contact with. Her spirit is based in my fundamental truths, morals and beliefs. She tells me when things are wrong or right regardless of what my logic and heart may argue. She is tactful, subtle and soft spoken. She does not sway from one way to another as the other two voices do, for she remains planted firm in faith. She is the one I once centered all things around but now we barely speak. For awhile I thought she left me and got tired of being neglected and ignored. She probably didn’t want to stick around for yet another “I told you so.” but her silence terrified me. It wasn’t until I stopped the pills, removed the alcohol, parties, men and so called friends, that I slowly began to hear the small rumblings of the familiar voice that used to guide and protect me. She was still here inside me, but hidden and drowned out beneath the distractions. She knew all I was doing was trying to numb all my senses and emotions. I’ve been in so much pain, no one knows how deep and dark it’s gotten, but She did. She knew and understood why I was doing, all I was doing. When I hit rock bottom, it was her voice that gently whispered to me, “You’re in pain and you need to stop. You’re only making it worse.” She had stood silent for a long time, while listening to my logic and heart have ongoing screaming matches with each other. She was hurting badly for me and her honesty brought my chaos to a screeching halt. I wasn’t myself anymore. And to be honest, I hadn’t been for a really long time.
Rock bottom was a kind of pain that almost seemed unbearable. I eventually decided to stop trying to handle it all alone. The hurting was enough to get me to seek out the help I needed to get better. It took months to just be able to look myself in the mirror and not feel anger or disgust. It took countless hours of crying into my pillow and surrendering my will back to God, over and over again, admitting how lost and alone i felt. I spoke my truth and asked my sisters to be my pillars of strength and carry me, because I couldn’t do it anymore. I was done with the act of pretending and needed my family to be the crutch I needed to fully heal. I needed to forgive myself and everyone else, but what they don’t tell you is that forgiveness is a decision you have to choose to make everyday. Some days I got it right, while others I struggled to simply keep my mouth shut.
Even now, I am learning the power we have in the words we choose. I know this even more so today, because others have spoken such horrible words to me and against me. I really do hope you “gossip folks” realize that all you have done is help further kill my spirit in those moments you chose to make MY struggles, YOUR random topics of discussion. I pray such insensitivity will never be shown to you when your time comes to walk through your own valleys in life. I can honestly say, I have forgiven you, even in the midst of you treating me so poorly. I don’t expect you to understand or feel pity for me. If anything, I feel sorry for you, and it is you I am fearful for. I know first hand, that in the way you judge others, you will also be judged. Maybe one day you will be in the same valley of death I found myself in, or maybe it’ll be your significant other, your sibling, your parent, your friend, maybe even your child, and through them you will come to understand what you couldn’t before in me. Just because you cannot relate to my pain now, doesn’t mean you never will. My voice of intuition reminds me that people will reap what they have sown. Injustice done to me, or anyone for that matter, never goes unnoticed or unpunished. I’ve made my bed and have slept in it. Some of you have made yours and have yet to.
Now all that is left for me, is learning to seek out that small familiar inner voice that wants to lead me out of this hell and into the life I always dreamed of having. Fairy tales are nice, but my dream is to find fulfillment, purpose and happiness in all things, most importantly in myself. I’ve loved monsters and demons over the years who have done nothing but use and abuse me. If I’ve been capable of all that, how much more than am I capable of learning to love myself; the whole pieces, the messy bits, all that make me the intricate tapestry of colors, moments and experiences.
I’ve accepted that I’ll always have three voices pulling me in different directions, but for now they all seem to agree that, listening to them for the time being is all I need to do.
Be still. Simply listen. Just be.
It’s amazing how twisted my perception of you was versus who you actually were. For years I thought you were my source of inspiration and no matter what the future would bring, nothing would ever change that.
In time I came to discover how wrong I was. I believed you had completely changed my world when in reality you only altered it. I moved mountains for you, when all you did was shift rocks from your bag of burdens to mine. You were intended to be a season, a lesson, a moment that I naively mistook for an always, a soul mate, a forever.
So as it turns out, both of us were wrong and misguided in our blind love. You saw a sort of perfection in me and desired to break it, while I saw the brokenness in you as something I could repair or heal. One broken man cannot find happiness with a complete woman, for he too must be complete all on his own first. Either way, if I knew at 19
what I know now id still fall in love with you all over again. Only difference is I wouldn’t have gone so long, so deep and tried so hard to keep you. We were destined to be, just not destined to be forever.