I hate you. I love you

It started on an impulse, that quickly grew to fascination, developed into an infatuation, only later to become an undeniable obsession. I wasn’t looking for anything or anyone when my world got flipped upside down. I  was just so desperate to escape and breathe again. I wanted to encounter something that’d make me feel alive, and I guess he did just that.

Maybe it’s because he never gave too much, but just enough. He was never fully present, yet somehow always around. Convenient, but messy and I knew that going forward we’d never be more than what we were. I knew there would be no courtship or future. I knew we could never be for a plethora of reasons. That’s probably one of the reasons I was so attracted to him and drawn in. He was forbidden fruit that I was determined to one day taste. I knew he wasn’t forever, just another to “catch and release”, and I told myself that was enough. It was arrogant of me to believe that I’d be in control of any of this. October came, I blew out the candles, and made my birthday wish. Should’ve listened when he said, “be careful what you wish for”.

It wasn’t until he touched me that I realized how cold and indifferent I’d become. In quiet moments he liked to hold me, and it always confused me. It had been so long since I felt a genuinely loving gaze. I’d forgotten what true intimacy was since I’d become accustomed to being used and left to drift off to sleep alone. My true companion, was the solitude I felt for so many of those years. That’s why he began to scare me away, when he attempted to try and hold any conversation of real substance with me. He wanted my secrets dreams, but all I ever gave him was half truths and surface conversations . He wanted to understand my thoughts, but he was instead met with cold sarcasm and deflection. It was very confusing how I’d become so attached to someone I’d claimed to be so unattached to. I wrote it off as “just physical” but that was a total lie. In truth, there seemed to be this unspoken understanding between he and I. We were under the same pretenses and implications. In a twisted and strange way, we were kindred spirits, with a need we couldn’t quite put our finger on. We spent many long nights fulfilling that need with endless lovemaking, whiskey and Marlboro cigarettes.

I drowned in the sea of love once and I can tell you, there was nothing beautiful or romantic about it. In fact it hurt like a bitch! It was excruciating, painful and unrelenting. Love became my dangerous addiction and I learned how to compartmentalize all my thoughts and emotions after losing it. Some days I hated that I ever loved someone to the point of neglecting my own sanity. Other days I remember how I would’ve happily laid down my life for such a love. But love cannot flourish or even sustain any real depth with only one sided sacrifices. It must be all or nothing on both ends. Still it never stopped me from molding myself to fit his needs and wants. I stowed away the parts of myself that weren’t pleasing or compatible to him, and watered down my personality to help him feel more secure in himself. I gave up my peace of mind for his happiness and received nothing but lies and deception in the end.
Being honest, all I’ve ever known of love was dark, in many ways I still feel it rather grim.

Guess that’s where “Mr. Catch and Release” casually stepped in and caught my attention.
I knew he understood that feeling of loving someone so much, you could end up losing yourself in them. I know he knew it from a different point of view because he was like the man I had left, and I similar to the woman he lost. It was foolish to think that we could somehow fill the void left by those that came before us, but we still tried. I knew he never saw me the way he saw her, and i knew i could never love him the way i loved my him. I knew him better than he ever knew me though. I always had a poker face that was often accompanied by my indifferent behavior. He couldn’t read between the lines, and he was constantly left in the dark when it came to my emotions. Truth was, I just wanted him, but he wouldn’t believe me. He treated me as an option, while he had no idea how badly others were wishing to be in his place, lying next to me. His wandering eyes never saw the signs and I was in no place emotionally to stop and explain them. There were so many subtle moments he didn’t see how he was freely given the attention others begged for. He must of thought I was that same way with everyone, i guess. He never said the words, so I ventured off into the arms of many new endeavors and met many beautiful eyes with only blurred faces. Some talked about my beauty, some just craved my touch, and others spoke of a connection they felt towards me that I never reciprocated. I won’t over romanticize it because it was all mainly bullshit! But I also can’t lie and say that I wasn’t lying next to another, having my thoughts constantly running back to him; wondering how he was, where he’d been and if he still was living in that same regret I left him in. I felt jealousy knowing there were others that came after and even during me. Still, who was I to talk? I was keeping secrets of my own too. Guess we got a dose of our own medicine.

I have to say that being with him was like coming up for air after being under water for too long. I gasped as I took that deep breath into my lung, feeling the painful burn of my entire being come back to life. In that moment I felt everything I’d suppressed for so long, and it was a bittersweet torture, an incredible high, incomparable to any other adrenaline rush. He was the sort of drug I was all too familiar with, deadly in every way possible. He wasn’t supposed to mean anything to me, but he ultimately did. He wasn’t supposed to be the one to make me “feel” but he had. And even though I never gave him my heart, he somehow was able to make it beat again. It was a poisonous cycle.

He was a blessing and a curse. Taking me high only to later leave me to crash down alone into more confusion. He was a different kind of brokenness that I’d never known before. Internally I was drawn to his pain and wanted to somehow heal it or take it away, but it was so powerful that it overtook the both of us. We would repeatedly run away from each other, only to run towards each other over and over again. “We were with and without”. We were never in the same place at the same time, emotionally or mentally. He was obsessed with chasing the past, and I determined to remain “feeling” in the present. By the time I’d come to this realization he was trying to win her back and I was trying to see if there was more in his eyes for me that I hadn’t seen before. It was too late on both ends. I continued to keep the door half open for him and he kept the door unlocked for me. I was ruthless and he was cruel. I was moody and he was always silent when I needed his words most. It became a cycle that lasted longer than it should have. It’s been so exhausting chasing a boy, who’s still chasing the ghost of a girl he once fell in love with. This is me raising my white flag.

It’s time I closed the half open door I’ve kept for him and lock it shut forever. I need to allow him to become like one of the many strangers I’ve met, with blurred faces and beautiful eyes.
Truth is, he never deserved my attention, my loyalty, my body or emotions. He didn’t care and he doesn’t even realize all he’s done and all he’s allowed to slip through his fingers. Years from now he’ll be living in the same pattern of behaviors, fucking the same kind of girls, except these will have younger faces but have the same old names. He’ll drink to try to forget, but he’s cursed forever to remember.

I love you, but I am not, nor was I ever “in love” with you. I’ll admit you did resemble the ghost of the boy I’d fallen in love with once many years ago. I chased his ghost in you until i realized that what has happened in the past must remain there. You were never him. I was never her. It’s true you were never mine and I’ll admit it, but you are wrong to believe I was ever yours. You can keep the feelings, memories and shitty conversations. You’ll need them for the next nobody that comes along that you’ll try to make into a somebody. Till then, I’ll just pretend to be over it and continue to try and distract my thoughts any way I can from wandering back to you.

Stupid girl.

When the hell did my life become a Drake song? When did I become every single thing I have ever hated? Why am I still running now that I’m finally free? Why am I still so afraid? I question myself every day but like the pendulum that swings back and forth, I’m never am sure quite where I’ll end up. I’m trying to strike a balance but I’m struggling to do, that as I find my own way.
Maybe it is all my fault. I never spoke up and said exactly how I felt or even now what it is I feel. Always so concerned with others emotions and feelings, I neglected my own. I never wanted to hurt anyone, yet inadvertently my actions always do. I hate when people try to box me in and label me. I’m more than a face, a body, I’m an empathetic soul, heartbroken, but haven’t lost faith in the power of love.

It’s never the love of others I fear, it is my love that I feel for them that makes me stay away. I don’t want to engage any deeper than shallow waters. I don’t want to answer beyond my definitive “yes” or “no” responses. I don’t want to be “saved”, but I wouldn’t mind being found. I’d love to be understood and accepted wholly as a person instead of a personality. I’d love to be someone’s reality and not just some dream, a mystery over a fantasy.

I’m easy going and yet fickle. Easy to read yet complex. I’m comfortable in any setting, but still restless in my own skin. I’m a walking contradiction. A free spirit who often feels loneliest in big cities and large crowds. I’ve never watched the “Walking Dead” but I swear I could be some sort of character on it.

In other unimportant news, I went to psychic today and can say that I’ve never felt so connected to a stranger before. The way she read me was like a book, page by page, line for line. I felt completely naked and exposed and in her eyes I could see my reflection. To be honest, I hated what I saw. She told me shit like, “my options were many but because of my inability to be vulnerable, I am unable to fully connect to any possible romantic endeavor. I fear myself more than anything or anyone. I don’t trust myself nor do I believe in myself enough to even allow another to see me as a whole”. She said “You take bits and pieces of yourself and you give them away, but these people don’t know you really. You don’t let them see you because if they did, they’d never want to leave you, but instead you withhold and withdraw.” I couldn’t help but feel the tears begin to well up in my eyes and the familiar sting in my heart take my breath away. She made me feel the way they all do, which is to run away and seclude myself in my insecurities and sadness. I know what she meant and all she said was the absolute truth. I’m running from anything that makes me feel. I’m running from anyone who tries to scratch beyond my surface. I run out of; vulnerability, out of pain but mostly out of fear. I don’t know how to connect with another human being on a full and 100% honest level and that in itself terrifies me.

Superficial conversation and sexy pillow talk is easy to hide behind. It lets me keep my wings open and ready for flight, should I feel any sort of fear creep in. They think that by slowly approaching me I won’t react by flying away. They’re always wrong and I’m always leaving. Easy to catch, but extremely hard to keep. My heart is guarded by impenetrable walls that instead of protecting me from the outside world have now become the very thing that makes me feel suffocated and alone. I thought I was doing right by shutting down and placing my heart in a tower far from the reach of the world, but it did more harm than good. And somehow even though I have not allowed myself to fall fully into someone else, they have still managed to wound my sensitive heart. I hate it. But I can never hate them. I love them in my own special ways, but I can’t be caged or kept. I won’t be weighed down by another’s hand, regardless of who’s hand that might, be it a lover or friend.

Reality is too brutal, too harsh, so I am always craving and seeking out some form of escapism. Today it might be you, tomorrow maybe someone else. For that, I won’t apologize. I owe no one a god damn thing!! I am mess. But I’m my own mess and for the first time I’m learning to embrace every part of me, especially the parts I’ve kept hidden away for so long. I don’t expect anyone to really get it or understand where I am coming from. All I want is compassion, understanding and love. Saying something doesn’t make it so, and telling me who I am and what I’m not, won’t work either. I need to learn how to unlock all these doors and bring down this protective walls around my heart. Should the day ever come, It’ll take a strong and willing heart to completely win over mine. I’ve left that up to God to figure out and in the meantime I’m focusing on me.

People often forget that I am still healing, recovering and learning as I go. I make mistakes and don’t live in the shadow of my regrets for the sake of anyone’s happiness anymore. Today was just a confirmation of all I have been feeling and every emotion I’d been avoiding. I don’t want to be vulnerable. I don’t trust myself in the slightest bit, but I’m deciding to not give up on myself and just run. I’ve tried running and all I do is continue to run right back into myself. I don’t need a knight in shinning armor. I don’t need the fancy gifts or over the top gestures of love. I could settle for some real self love. I know when I see it that I’ll believe in it. Till then I’m going to keep trudging along in these shallow waters until I’m strong enough to face the tide again. I’m regaining my strength and someday I’ll brave the currents that now weigh me so heavily down. I’ll find my way, I always do.

LOVE.

It is taken me years to truly grasp the significance and meaning of true, unconditional love. Logically, I can understand the concept, but internally I’ve struggled emotionally to connect the two.I’ve been unable to accept it, yet I can give it freely, always able to forgive those who never really demonstrated that love for me in the moments i needed them most.

I don’t believe in the saying “If you can’t love yourself, you cant love anyone else” It simply isn’t true. I’m a living testament to the opposite of that quote. I’ve loved monsters before, and all it did was destroy me, never diminishing the unconditional love I had specifically for each of them. To me, love is a choice a person must choose to make daily. Love is a continuous sacrificial gift. It is a constant labor of love.

It’s strange to feel as though, I’m giving something, that I feel has always been denied to me. Because i know how love is, i know it does not have conditions or restrictions. Love is not based on how I act, the choices I make, or don’t make. Love is not based on how I look, dress or behave. Love is not based on who I choose to love and have relationships with, or those I choose to put behind me. Love is not supposed to be painful and ridden with lies. Love is not remembering every mistake I’ve ever made, and rubbing it in my face when I’m at my lowest point. Love is not about keeping score continually, forcing me to prove myself, unwilling to see my value or worth, over and over again.

Love is not controlling, demanding, selfish, unforgiving or proud. Love is not holding things over my head with expectations. Love is not manipulation or shaming. Love is not based on the career I choose, or the car I drive. Love is not speaking poorly behind my back, then turning around and smiling in my face.

Love is not self-seeking or self-righteous. Love is not hypocritical or cruel. Love is never vicious or mean. Love does not retaliate or negotiate. Love does not hold grudges or hinder growth. Love does not find happiness and discord in wrongdoing. Love does not speak unkind words, only meant to harm and wound others.

Love does not hesitate to act or react in loving ways. Love is not speaking down to someone or condemning them for not being as you would have them. Love does not critique or put down. Love never has malicious intent. Love is not punching walls and throwing things. Love is not pushing and screaming. Love is not ignoring someone, because they’ve done something you didn’t like.

Love doesn’t keep tally of wrongs and mistakes. Love is not isolating, destructive, abusive or consistently walking on egg shells. Love is not abandoning someone when they need you most. Love is never mean spirited or thoughtless.

Love is not being unfaithful and being a keeper of secrets and lies of ommission. Love does not manipulate or contradict itself. Love does not condescend or apprehend when someone is lost. Love is never convenient, controlling or possessive. Love is not based on obligation, but given freely as a choice everyday in every way. Love is also not about covering your insecurities with vapid relationships,only meant to distract your from your pain.

Love is not based on my relationship with God or whether or not I attend a church religiously. Love is not impatient and easily angered. Love despises sickness and untruths. Love is not withholding affection because one is angry with another. Love isn’t leaving words unspoken that could give life. Love can never bloom from words of hatred and death. Love does not have double standards, or place people into little categories. Love does not discriminate based on sex preference, color, race, sexuality, or background. Love does not delight in unfairness and lies of omission. Love is not neglectful. Love is not a war. Love is not a simple word, but a mentality, a lifestyle, a daily decision from an open giving heart.

For a long time many of these negative connotations about love have been what I have associated the word and emotion with. Love has been unpredictable, abusive, unkind, even though I did and acted in the opposite of how I was treated, I still continued to love unconditionally with every part of my heart and soul. I didn’t know the sort of love I gave existed until I opened my eyes, and heart and tears, – the truth that others have spoken to me have shown me what love is and has breathed life back into my empty Soul. Their love has given me back my wings and lifted me from the dark pit I was held captive in. In my sin, drunkenness, my confusion, and disarray, they called me special, beautiful and full of purpose. They loved me and continue to love me even though I struggle to find ways to truly love myself. They’ve shown me God through their understanding and grace. It is a love I feel as though I don’t deserve and will never be able to fully repay. Sometimes you can know something completely, and yet be totally unaffected by it emotionally. You can know you are loved and never feel one ounce of it. You can be told you’re beautiful, but never have someone really make you feel beautiful. Sometimes words are not enough, and where they fail to communicate that, love is what steps in and acts.

I know who loves me unconditionally, but what I need is to feel that love everyday and every way. Maybe this makes me sound needy or pathetic in some way, but I really don’t care. Not anymore. I don’t want the love others have claimed to have for me. I want to feel the genuine love others can show me. Words are everything to me but without actions to solidify them, your love is not real. I know I’m a lot to handle at times, sometimes I make it difficult to understand me and there are so many things that have made me into Who I am that are hard to take in all at once. But one thing I can promise you, is that if I do love you, no one will ever be able to love you the way that I love you. No one will give you more or praise you the way I know I only can. My love has no regard for situations, Pasts, conditions or boundaries. I will love you in the good and in the bad, the ugly and the beautiful, the old and the new. I will love you wholly, unconditionally, you will feel that every day that passes by. Because to love unconditionally is one of my greatest gifts and today I choose to acknowledge and embrace that gift and no longer refer to it as my lifelong curse. I choose to take pride in the fact that I have a heart that is so resilient and ready to forgive, and love others the way that they need most. Love is not what Ive experienced or known in the past. Today moving forward I will be the love I have always thought and dreamt of as a child. I will be the love I have always needed. I will be that love that conquers all.

content://media/external/file/3863