Another loss. Another hole. Another void.

My heart feels such a heaviness tonight and my mind can’t seem to stop the constant montage of memories that keep circulating thru my head. I know it’s for the best and I should focus all my energy on all the beauty that was, but right now all I’m mourning is what will never be.

Rest In Peace Nana.

There’s a first time for everything! 🥂

“We used to be kids in the backseat wastin’ time

Talk in’ ’bout high hopes and day dreams

Never thought love, never thought life

Could take us far beyond what we believed

As long as I got your love next to me

I’m better than I used to be”

I officiated my first wedding this past weekend in Avondale for one of my dearest friends. We’ve shared over 15 years of friendship and we’re still going strong!

💍 Wishing many blessings and years of happiness for the happy couple! 😘

Treacherous butterfly

 

 

You are like a butterfly

You fly and you rest, going from mouth to mouth

easy and light, to anyone who entices you

 

I am a rat in your rat trap

A trap that doesn’t kill, but doesn’t release

I live, dying as your prisoner

 

Treacherous butterfly, The wind carries everything away

Butterfly, I won’t go back with you

Oh, butterfly of love

My butterfly of love

I do not return to you

 Oh, butterfly of love

My butterfly of love

Never again will I be close to you

 

Fly away love, fly away pain

And don’t return to my side

 

Just leave now, go from flower to flower

Seducing the pistils,

And fly near the sun,

So you feel what pain is

 

Oh, woman how you cause harm

The minutes pass like years

Look, these jealousies are killing me

 

OH, woman how easy you are

Opening your wings, your colorful thighs, to where your lovers rest

 

Treacherous butterfly

The wind carries everything away

Butterfly, I won’t go back

Oh, butterfly of love,

my butterfly of love

I won’t go back to you

Oh, butterfly of love,

my butterfly of love

Never again will I be close to you

 

Fly away love, fly away pain

May you have luck in your life

Oh, pain

I cried an entire river for you,

Oh, love

Now you fly away from me”

 

Julia Michaels “I miss you” on repeat today

She was a ghost writer for years before she finally decided to go solo as an artist. Her distinct voice and candid lyrics have garnered her lots of admiration and attention by the music community and fans alike. She makes heartbreak sound good, and has a way of conveying many female thoughts and emotions with simplicity and ease. This collaboration she did with the British electronic music band “clean bandit” is genius and the amazing end result speaks for itself.

And of course a great acoustic cover from the male perspective by Boyce Avenue that I’m totally obsessed with.

And the remix..

Happy birthday my beautiful friend! 🦋

You never took “no” for an answer and you didn’t get discouraged when I tried walking away. I was a broken mess when you found me, but you told me the most beautiful people usually are. When I tried to keep my distance you pursued my friendship with a fierceness and determination I’d never felt before. You have defended me in my absence, protected me in my presence, held me in my anger, made me laugh through my tears and taught me to take pride in my weaknesses, because were it not for them, I would have never found my strength. You’re not scared to hurt my feelings with the truth or call me out when I’m not doing the same for you. You’re a true ride or die and I’m so thankful for you today! Happy “dirty thirty” Perl! You are everything and more! I love you so very much! Xoxo

Starting all over again..without you

Were they just like me or was I just like them?

Was I the poison or was I the cure? ..

The betrayer or betrayed?

I find myself searching for those answers among the wreckage of broken and tattered memories I have stowed away.

..Just things..

because it’s all I have left of them..

Small tokens of devotion to prove they were once here and I was once loved. Handwritten love letters, old perfume bottles, pictures in mirrored frames, trinkets from past travels and jewelry I’ll never wear again. All of it shoved away in secrets nooks and crannies all around my bedroom, next to a bed that’s seen and heard all my dirty secrets. Drawers full of men’s shirts that feel more like memorabilia, instead of the hopeful incentives of love they gave, that I never returned. Small mementos I haven’t laid eyes on in in so long, but can’t seem to do away with. So I let them continue to linger on around me as reminders of what was and what could’ve been.

Always mourning because I’m always missing someone or something; it’s the only constant I’ve ever truly known.

Maybe I knew what I was doing when I did it, but maybe I did it just to prove that I could. Deep down I knew none of them could’ve ever changed me or saved me. It was wrong of me to even let them try. I thought I needed them to cure the loneliness, but I learned that loving them made me the loneliest I’d ever been. I’m not a woman that longs for commitments and happy endings. I’m not waiting for Prince Charming to come to save me, because I know I am happiest when I am free.

Those I loved were only beautiful backroads. They eventually led to dead ends, but it never stopped me from venturing down them; all the while enjoying the scenery, the company and the ride.

I loathe the pain that comes with all tragic endings, but I think I’m too addicted to new beginnings to stop now. I’m a glutton for punishment and an adrenaline love junkie. I’ll always need the passion and suspense, the danger and the lust. A thirst only new love can quench.

Friends tell me to choose one, keep one, love one, but they don’t realize it’s never been just one. Maybe one exception, one preference, but still ONE of many. And the thought of confining my heart to just one man ever again, for the rest of my life..feels so suffocating, so depressing and so unnatural.

I guess I prefer the freedom I find in new love, and not the chaos past lovers waiting outside my door bring. The past wants to tie me down, but the brightness of the future always lures me to new people and experiences.

Sometimes I find myself missing them, wishing I could go back in time for one more embrace, conversation or kiss; back to a moment they held me and I felt genuine peace. My memories of them live on through beautiful music, mental pictures and passing thoughts that remind of the things we once shared or did. I wish I could remember the way I once saw them, long before the indifference set in. But I’ve learned that gaining everything and losing it, is the only way to constantly evolve in life, grow emotionally and truly remain free.

“I never meant to have to start all over”..

..but here I am yet again.