Starting all over again..without you

Were they just like me or was I just like them?

Was I the poison or was I the cure? ..

The betrayer or betrayed?

I find myself searching for those answers among the wreckage of broken and tattered memories I have stowed away.

..Just things..

because it’s all I have left of them..

Small tokens of devotion to prove they were once here and I was once loved. Handwritten love letters, old perfume bottles, pictures in mirrored frames, trinkets from past travels and jewelry I’ll never wear again. All of it shoved away in secrets nooks and crannies all around my bedroom, next to a bed that’s seen and heard all my dirty secrets. Drawers full of men’s shirts that feel more like memorabilia, instead of the hopeful incentives of love they gave, that I never returned. Small mementos I haven’t laid eyes on in in so long, but can’t seem to do away with. So I let them continue to linger on around me as reminders of what was and what could’ve been.

Always mourning because I’m always missing someone or something; it’s the only constant I’ve ever truly known.

Maybe I knew what I was doing when I did it, but maybe I did it just to prove that I could. Deep down I knew none of them could’ve ever changed me or saved me. It was wrong of me to even let them try. I thought I needed them to cure the loneliness, but I learned that loving them made me the loneliest I’d ever been. I’m not a woman that longs for commitments and happy endings. I’m not waiting for Prince Charming to come to save me, because I know I am happiest when I am free.

Those I loved were only beautiful backroads. They eventually led to dead ends, but it never stopped me from venturing down them; all the while enjoying the scenery, the company and the ride.

I loathe the pain that comes with all tragic endings, but I think I’m too addicted to new beginnings to stop now. I’m a glutton for punishment and an adrenaline love junkie. I’ll always need the passion and suspense, the danger and the lust. A thirst only new love can quench.

Friends tell me to choose one, keep one, love one, but they don’t realize it’s never been just one. Maybe one exception, one preference, but still ONE of many. And the thought of confining my heart to just one man ever again, for the rest of my life..feels so suffocating, so depressing and so unnatural.

I guess I prefer the freedom I find in new love, and not the chaos past lovers waiting outside my door bring. The past wants to tie me down, but the brightness of the future always lures me to new people and experiences.

Sometimes I find myself missing them, wishing I could go back in time for one more embrace, conversation or kiss; back to a moment they held me and I felt genuine peace. My memories of them live on through beautiful music, mental pictures and passing thoughts that remind of the things we once shared or did. I wish I could remember the way I once saw them, long before the indifference set in. But I’ve learned that gaining everything and losing it, is the only way to constantly evolve in life, grow emotionally and truly remain free.

“I never meant to have to start all over”..

..but here I am yet again.

Published by vanessaariana

I am a free spirit with an open mind and an old soul. This online journal is an eclectic mix of all the things I am most passionate about. I cannot be defined by one label or boxed into one category and this site is a complete expression of that. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but it's always true to who I am, vulnerable, raw and honest! Hope you enjoy!

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