I may be biased but this girl is the shit!! She just so happens to be my baby sister, the youngest of our tribe of 6 siblings. This made me laugh so much and I know it will make you laugh too!
I love you Lauren Dee
24 things I learned in 24 years.
Birthdays often mean reflection time for me so I thought I’d share, here it goes! Also a pat on the back for keeping myself alive for another year. Cheers for being a quarter of a century old!
1. Don’t bite your finger nails. Even if you spit them out, seriously don’t do it. Some WILL escape into a really weird pocket in your esophagus and you will sound like a cat trying to cough up a furball. I’m like 3 days in right now and it scratches every time I swallow.
2. If your dog gets diarrhea on their dog bed, don’t just throw it in the washer. Take it outside and try to wipe the poop off it first. I made the mistake of not doing this and it took me like an hour to get all the poop particles out of the washer. My mom never found out… I don’t think.
3. Be patient when it comes to using medication. For example, ex-lax. Even if it never works when it says it’s going to on the packaging, don’t try to speed up the process by taking another. You’ll end up taking a nap and waking up to skid marks on your chonies.
4. Never underestimate anything. Refer to previous life lesson.
5. Contrary to popular belief, people older than you don’t have it all figured out. They may speak like they know what they’re talking about, but they mostly make it up just like you. Most of them are full of shit. That said, listen to their advice. There’s a lot of wisdom in that shit.
6. No one is invincible. Make sure you’re appreciating people while they’re still able to be appreciated.
7. Don’t follow the crowd just to fit in. Like figuratively or metaphorically. My first day of public school was in 8th grade and at the end of the day when everyone started walking home, I started following them because I’m an idiot. It was hot as balls, not to mention it took me forever to get home. My mom had a panic attack and I’m pretty sure my sister called the cops because they couldn’t find me. I never walked to or from school literally ever again. That shit is not cool, anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar.
8. Do whatever makes you happy because no one is paying that much attention to you, they’re most likely checking their phones.
9. If you need more than 1 sock drawer, you have too many socks.
10. Don’t dye your hair at 3 am. You’ll fall asleep and wake up with like 3 hairs left on your head.
11. Disobeying your parents is okay sometimes if it’s for a good cause. Like throwing pillows and blankets out the window when your mom kicks your sister out.
12. Never try to be cute and smile with your mouth closed if you have braces. You’ll end up looking like a damn Muppet. Don’t believe me? Just ask to see my sister’s wedding pictures.
13. You can’t be friends with people that want to be you or that want your life. Yes, I’m talking about you! You know who you are and I know you’re reading this and I want my pink shirt back!
14. If you ever lock yourself out of your car, the pressure from a tennis ball on the key hole will NOT pop it open. Don’t let YouTube fool you. Do yourself a favor and just call a Lyft. Here’s a promo code for a free Spring Lyft ride: FASTRYDE. Thank me later.
15. Drink a butt load of water even when you don’t want to.
16. Don’t ever have children or pets if you don’t like being scratched. It’s a valuable thing to learn because it will scratch you. It’s lovely.
17. Don’t be scared or feel bad about requesting vacation time you’re entitled to at work. Other people will tell you the “right way to go about vacation time.” Those people are assholes. And if you’re in a job that doesn’t let you go on vacation, that job is stupid.
18. If a stranger ever asks you a question like your name and you don’t hear them or understand them for whatever reason, just tell them what time it is.
19. Never microwave Twix bars in hotel rooms. The smoke detectors WILL go off and your Twix will taste like a foot.
20. It’s okay to feel sad sometimes. It’s the people that are happy all the time that you gotta watch out for.
21. Always remember that someone out there has it worse than you.
22. Be careful what you pray for.
23. A kitten can not live in your closet or hoodie pockets. They will out themselves by meowing around your anti-cat Mother and you will be forced to give it away.
24. When you find a blog you like (like this one) go out of your way to tell the person (genius) that writes it (me) how great (best thing in the entire world) it is. Share the content with your closest friends (the whole world). You may think you’re being stalkerish (you probably are), but if someone put something on the internet it most likely took some time and a lot of cajones (balls).
25. To be determined.