His Paper Doll

I was seeing someone for a short time around this time last year. For me it was nothing serious. We casually spoke and spent time together but I never saw a future for he and I. He got flaky and I did what I always do and just disappeared. No texts, no calls, no communication. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything at all. I know it was an asshole move on my part but in my defense he didn’t try that hard to reach me either. He let me walk away and because of that I stayed away. Months have passed and nothing has transpired between he and I until today.

http://kokannews.org/?p=1692 He sent me a text saying he’d been thinking about me and wanted to know what he did initially to make me leave him like I did. Of course being put on the spot I didn’t respond. I was kind of thrown off. First by the fact that it had been so long and that it bothered him enough to reach out, secondly he sent me a link to a song I’d never heard before,  which I assume was his way of expressing his unresolved feelings towards me.  The song was “paper doll” by John Mayer.

I never did respond to his text nor do I have any intention to do so but still the song left me with these unsettled thoughts and feelings over what happened the time we spoke. I guess the uneasiness I feel hearing those lyrics is the undeniable truth behind them.

Buy Zolpidem Next Day Delivery “You’re like 22 girls in one
And none of them know what they’re running from
Was it just too far to fall
For a little paper doll?

Cut the cord and pull some strings
And make yourself some angel wings
And if those angel wings don’t fly
Someone’s gonna paint you another sky”

He is more right than he’ll ever know and I’m more saddened by that then I’ll ever show. I still am here trying to figure out who I am while living in the same fear of love that I was left in over 3 years ago. All I know is this way of being and even though I try to force myself into a different mold I end up failing miserably. It was either detach or self destruct and take him out with me. I realize now it was unfair to him either way. Sometimes I wish there was something more I could do or better yet undo but some issues must remain unresolved indefinitely. My one regret?..

“I shoulda kept your undershirt..”

 

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What’s love without tragedy?

An excerpt from the late Arthur Miller’s autobiography about his ex wife Marilyn Monroe.

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Happy Birthday, Michael Jackson!

Can You Buy Lorazepam In Mexico My all time favorite artist would have been 58 today. It’s such a tragedy to see such a talent taken from us so soon. His biggest wish was to leave behind a legacy of music that would outlive him. I heard him once say that he put so much heart into his work, that he felt his soul would forever be attached to it. How amazing is that? I respect the man for his tireless efforts, incredible talent and unsurpassed success. He is an icon who I’ve loved since I was just a little girl. His music, the soundtrack to my life and my most beautiful childhood memories. He is the James Dean, Marilyn Monroe and Elvis Presley of our time. He is an indisputable legend and the epitome of the American dream come true. Happy Birthday to the king of Pop!

Talking to myself..

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Buy Discount Xanax Online “I’m scared of the good more than the evil
Scared of the light more than the dark
Scared of the truth so much more than the lie
I’m scared for you
I’m scared of you
Scared of beautiful”

Dymalski’s Death Anniversary

Buy Diazepam Teva Another year without her. Life just isn’t fair. People who have never known loss don’t understand that death is not something you get over, death is something you learn to accept. The pain has never once lessened, I just have had to overcompensate and become stronger to be able tho cope with it. It’s been a rough journey but it has molded me into a better more appreciative person. I hope I still make her proud and happy. I hope she misses me the same way I miss her. It’ll always feel surreal to say that my best friend died suddenly and unexpectedly 9 years ago on this date. I truthfully never thought I’d make it thru life, let alone the rest of that day she died, without her warm embrace and laughter. In a strange way I think she was subconsciously preparing me all along for some unknown looming certainty that she felt was inevitable. She always knew better and did what was best for me. She is my soulmate, best friend and the big sister I never had. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t give to just get a call from her and hear her say, “I’m here now and I love you, V.”

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Buy Diazepam Teva “When someone said count your blessings now
‘fore they’re long gone
I guess I just didn’t know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew”

Iconic Men

I’ve always been and will always be drawn to men with eccentric personalities, and those who possess a boldness to remain true to who they are. These kind of men paved their own way, and made no apologies for it. They went against the grain, and because of it, they have became some of the most notorious people that have ever lived. Not only do I find them all physically appealing, I am also completely enthralled by their talent, and mystified by their intellect and ability to stop time with their presence. Sadly though, with whom much is given, much is expected, and with that weight came burdens and inner demons of their own. But If given the choice, I will always go for the man that sparks the interests of my mind and heart, over the wealthy man, the cookie cutter man, the athletic man, the business man or predictable man. This is my blessing to see the wonderment of the man, and curse to ignore the consequences that ensue for getting caught up with men like them. While some men fear the fire; other men have simply chosen to become it. Like the women who knew them personally and loved them faithfully, I guess you can just add me as another moth to the flame.

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Dandelions, Sunflowers and Daisies

I love how beautiful flowers look but I can’t stand the way they smell. Their fragrance makes me nauseous and takes me back to moments I wish I could erase from my memory. As much as I love receiving them, I despise them just the same. Every single time I’ve lost a piece of my heart, the world in turn has given me bouquets of flowers to cling to. Each time I had to bury another part of myself, all I was left with were fragile petals that eventually would fade away. As captivating as such blossoms like dandelions can be, I would be more than willing to go without ever seeing another rose bud as long as I live, if it meant that I could have everyone I’ve ever lost to the grave back again. Tell me, what good does it do me to have a field of endless sunflowers and daisies, when I have no one left to enjoy them with me?

Purging

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard it in the last three years since. Each time it has left me more confused and annoyed than before. They tell me “love yourself.” Great slogan, but it’s so empty. Me being an inquisitive person, I ask them to teach me. They think they’re somehow helping or making some positive affect, but internally I just shut down. I’d rather focus elsewhere, because my heart genuinely loves understanding the minds and hearts of others. I know that leaves me susceptible to a lot of evil people and ugly situations, but I’m honest. I’m a mess and don’t try to fool them, I just deflect and keep my emotions to myself. I can be a quiet observer one minute, only to turn around and share an in depth conversation with a complete stranger about why I am drawn to certain people, places and things. My primary focus is the well being of others and their feelings, even when my actions appear to contradict that at times. I’m fighting battles people don’t know about, and I’m struggling to not make anymore mistakes, and get a tight grip on what is truly important to me, but I’m slipping. Instead of “finding myself” over the past few years I feel as if I’ve lost myself more than I ever have before. I’ve done things I never would’ve thought I’d do. I’ve seen things I wish I hadn’t seen. I’ve said things I can’t take back, and allowed the wrong kind of people into my life to influence me. I don’t blame anything or anyone, but myself. “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.”

I’ve willingly and knowingly let myself be swept away by my sadness and fickle emotions. I’ve lost the girl I once was, and have become the shell of the person I once knew. I am so terribly sad. I just want to go back to that “happy place” in my memory long before life gave me reasons to despise it. I wake up every morning hating myself more than the night before, and I just don’t know how to cope with this overwhelming pressure from everything going on around me. I keep fucking up and as much as I try to run from my mistakes, the more weighed down by them I become. I’m keeping to many secrets. I’m hiding too many things. I’ve opened doors I can’t shut now. But nobody would guess this is how I really feel, because I’m the one laughing the loudest at the party, I am the person surrounded by tons of friends and good family. On the outside I have it all..or so it would seem. I show you the face that is more appealing, but it is a shield to protect myself from you getting too close to me. It doesn’t mean that what I am showing you, isn’t the real me. I just feel like if I love anything or anyone too much, it’ll just be ripped away from me. Not only have I ruined myself, I think I’ve ruined others too. I should’ve kept more to myself, but again my impulsive emotions subdued me. I am a slave to my bad habits and reckless heart.

At this point I don’t know how to love myself, and I wish people would stop fucking saying that to me, and instead show me exactly what that means. I ask for explanations and they don’t answer my questions. They give me some feel good answers by telling me take up new hobbies, try new things, focus on myself and reflect, but I find all their advice to be meaningless. I have literally done all the bullshit attempts of finding inner peace and happiness. If anything I have learned new ways to abhor myself even more than I did before. I’m trying to be happy again but it has been so long and I don’t know if that’s even possible anymore. And really I have no excuse. I am loved, I am appreciated, I am desired and welcome everywhere I go, at least by everyone else except myself. I am more accustomed to the darkness, the deceit and the pain that I find myself drawn to the bad things over what’s right. It’s probably because as my hatred for myself has grown so has my recklessness. I just need everything around me to just stop and I need the time and space to get away and recollect my thoughts. I need to be shown this self love others speak of and learn ways to show that to myself. I can’t forget that ultimately the only love that is actually going to heal me is the love that I can only find in God and in myself.

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Out of the night that covers me,
      Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
      For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
      I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
      My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
      Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
      Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
      How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
      I am the captain of my soul.