I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard it in the last three years since. Each time it has left me more confused and annoyed than before. They tell me “love yourself.” Great slogan, but it’s so empty. Me being an inquisitive person, I ask them to teach me. They think they’re somehow helping or making some positive affect, but internally I just shut down. I’d rather focus elsewhere, because my heart genuinely loves understanding the minds and hearts of others. I know that leaves me susceptible to a lot of evil people and ugly situations, but I’m honest. I’m a mess and don’t try to fool them, I just deflect and keep my emotions to myself. I can be a quiet observer one minute, only to turn around and share an in depth conversation with a complete stranger about why I am drawn to certain people, places and things. My primary focus is the well being of others and their feelings, even when my actions appear to contradict that at times. I’m fighting battles people don’t know about, and I’m struggling to not make anymore mistakes, and get a tight grip on what is truly important to me, but I’m slipping. Instead of “finding myself” over the past few years I feel as if I’ve lost myself more than I ever have before. I’ve done things I never would’ve thought I’d do. I’ve seen things I wish I hadn’t seen. I’ve said things I can’t take back, and allowed the wrong kind of people into my life to influence me. I don’t blame anything or anyone, but myself. “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.”
I’ve willingly and knowingly let myself be swept away by my sadness and fickle emotions. I’ve lost the girl I once was, and have become the shell of the person I once knew. I am so terribly sad. I just want to go back to that “happy place” in my memory long before life gave me reasons to despise it. I wake up every morning hating myself more than the night before, and I just don’t know how to cope with this overwhelming pressure from everything going on around me. I keep fucking up and as much as I try to run from my mistakes, the more weighed down by them I become. I’m keeping to many secrets. I’m hiding too many things. I’ve opened doors I can’t shut now. But nobody would guess this is how I really feel, because I’m the one laughing the loudest at the party, I am the person surrounded by tons of friends and good family. On the outside I have it all..or so it would seem. I show you the face that is more appealing, but it is a shield to protect myself from you getting too close to me. It doesn’t mean that what I am showing you, isn’t the real me. I just feel like if I love anything or anyone too much, it’ll just be ripped away from me. Not only have I ruined myself, I think I’ve ruined others too. I should’ve kept more to myself, but again my impulsive emotions subdued me. I am a slave to my bad habits and reckless heart.
At this point I don’t know how to love myself, and I wish people would stop fucking saying that to me, and instead show me exactly what that means. I ask for explanations and they don’t answer my questions. They give me some feel good answers by telling me take up new hobbies, try new things, focus on myself and reflect, but I find all their advice to be meaningless. I have literally done all the bullshit attempts of finding inner peace and happiness. If anything I have learned new ways to abhor myself even more than I did before. I’m trying to be happy again but it has been so long and I don’t know if that’s even possible anymore. And really I have no excuse. I am loved, I am appreciated, I am desired and welcome everywhere I go, at least by everyone else except myself. I am more accustomed to the darkness, the deceit and the pain that I find myself drawn to the bad things over what’s right. It’s probably because as my hatred for myself has grown so has my recklessness. I just need everything around me to just stop and I need the time and space to get away and recollect my thoughts. I need to be shown this self love others speak of and learn ways to show that to myself. I can’t forget that ultimately the only love that is actually going to heal me is the love that I can only find in God and in myself.
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.