Finally off the sleep meds and my body is beginning to feel a sense of normalcy set in. 4 years on benzos is no joke. It’s taken me 6 months to wean down to nothing, but I’m not sure that’ll remain the case for long, thanks to my constant companion, insomnia. I’ve battled with it consistently for the last 5 years. It’s been a struggle that has broken me down mentally and emotionally many times over. It’s torture to feel physical exhaustion, but mentally not be able to find rest from your own thoughts. It’s time I allow myself a real chance to get acclimated to all the changes I’ve made around me, and see if it’s made a difference. Before the pills I remember how I couldn’t sleep unless I had someone lying beside me. I hide my body under baggy clothes cuddling the body next to me. Now i prefer my empty bed and going to sleep with nothing on. I don’t feel that longing I once did for companship, maybe because of all the nights I self soothed and cried myself to sleep?.. With a barricade of pillows I now hide myself away from anything and everyone. I love my solitude a little too much these days. The transition took some time, but I understand now that I cannot find peace in others, because I need to find it within myself. Some nights I’m able to do that, while other nights I find myself still tossing and turning till early morning light. Before I was haunted by reoccurring nightmares, now I’m lucky if I ever get to remember a dream. I’m praying I can continue to keep my peace moving forward.
I was on fb deleting a crap load of people, when I saw a person I once cared for a great deal, under my “suggested friends” list. I noticed he has a new girlfriend and to be honest I’m glad he’s found happiness again. I really don’t care to elaborate beyond that, because there’s not much more to say. I’m completely indifferent towards him and that period of my life he was a part of. I wish him well and don’t regret anything because I learned a lot and grew wiser. It all played out the way it was always supposed to. Good for you. “Live and let die.”
As far as my current thoughts go I feel confusion over you. I have seen so many sides of you that I struggle to accept which version is actually you. You’re the “great pretender” and I saw that right away in you because it takes one to know one. We aren’t what we seem. We are not what people assume us to be. For the sake of peace we go along with whatever version of ourselves that everyone else feels most comfortable with . We’ve mastered the art of illusion and mystique for the sake of others. I have observed you become the “tough guy” with a chip on his shoulder, so confident and secure, cracking jokes and making everyone laugh. But the person you are when it’s just you and me is so different. When it’s just us alone you are sensitive, gentle and caring, a deep soul with intelligent thoughts and hidden talents. I just wish you would tell me what it is you feel sometimes instead of what you think. These sorts of silences leave me feeling uneasy and confused. But that’s enough for now.
Random thoughts equate to random blog posts. I guess that’s it for tonight. I’m beat