http://chennaitrekkers.org/2009/02/yelagiri-bike-triptrek2-nov-22-23-2008.html?z I think I’ve always been drawn to musicians because there is a certain kind of complexity and darkness to them that I identify with. They seem to understand me in ways that don’t need words or explanations. We share a mutual understanding and sense of comfort while being in each others presence. I’ll never forget that cold night 2 years ago when I couldn’t sleep & he grabbed his acoustic guitar and began to serenade me..

binario it opzioni com ….ya no regreso contigo.

http://backyardgardensjoseph.com/?bioener=russian-dating-profiles-imgur&082=4b

The sun sees your body. The moon sees your soul.

http://www.degroes.nl/?makros=rencontre-avec-homme-gendarme&8b2=a8 Screenshot_2016-06-27-14-26-30~2

binary options forex hedging The moon is a loyal companion.
It never leaves. It’s always there, watching, steadfast, knowing us in our light and dark moments, changing forever just as we do. Every day it’s a different version of itself. Sometimes weak and wan, sometimes strong and full of light. The moon understands what it means to be human.
Uncertain. Alone. Cratered by imperfections.

Feeling Nostalgic

http://mariechristinedesign.com/?misleno=ma-rencontre&030=9a

 

We were a dangerous pair. Both wild cards” labeled the “black sheep” of the family but we didn’t care. We were reckless and wild, daring to push the limits and learn for ourselves what love and heartbreak were. There are so many secrets we still share even though it’s been 8 years since she passed away. There are nights that I find myself still sneaking into the cemetery just to pour out my heart to her and divulge all my dark secrets to. Love is eternal and our friendship was one of a kind. Every time I hear this song I am flooded with memories of all the crazy shit we did and all the times we saved each others asses from some mess. This is what makes us girls.

Soldier boy

I’m not sure what sort of reaction he expected to get from me, especially since it had been so long since we’d last spoken. One thing I can tell you for sure is that I’ll never ever speak to him again because of it. I knew men were territorial creatures but to what extent I never knew. How could he think he could mess around with a roster of different girls and somehow still believe he had a real claim to me?..

The audacity of this jackass still blows my mind.

He wants the loyalty and exclusivity from me that he himself refused to return then. Sure we talked for a bit and had our moments, but he never really pursued me or made any attempts to make it more than what it was. He never told me how he truly felt, so I took his silence and complacency for disinterest and stopped speaking to him. I left and he let me go so to me his actions said enough to keep me away. Yes, he was very affectionate and I loved that part about him, don’t get me wrong, but it was never enough. I am a woman who needs to hear the words. Any man can ‘make a move” but not every man can open up about what’s in his heart.

I guess I’ve learned a lot in the last few years being single.  I’ve heard it all and seen the double standards placed on women by insecure men. They can dish it out but rarely take the behaviors they expect others to to be okay with. When a man fixates his attention on a specific woman, she becomes his in his mind, regardless of time or space. But in most cases he remains guarded with his intentions and true feelings. Females on the other hand tend to be more aware of their emotions and are more open about their feelings and are more apt to readily admit to them. Men on the other hand. I’ve seen have tried to hide their jealousy and feelings beneath rude sarcasm and asshole behaviors. I’ve watched men seek out random females company as a means of distracting them from the one woman they actually felt a real attachment or connection to. I don’t know if it’s out of fear or ego, but they start playing games with random females trying to convince themselves that the one girl that they can’t stop thinking about actually means nothing to them.

Based on his reaction towards me that night, I can tell his plan had backfired. Honestly,  It’s so frustrating. If you wanna act like I don’t matter to you, fine. Just don’t be surprised when I ignore you and treat you like you don’t exist. You wanna go find a new girl to give you some attention?.. Then go right ahead. I’ll bow out graciously and we won’t have to waste anymore of each other’s time. I’m done playing these petty games with men. The way I see it is if he genuinely cared about me he should’ve spoken up a long time ago. If he wanted more he should’ve asked prior to the moment passing. I just don’t understand why he thought he could control me or demand anything of me anymore. Anger and manipulation does nothing but provoke negativity and resentment inside of me. Telling me he “misses me” and “wants to see me” a half a year later is not flattering. It makes me question his intentions and character. I mean if he knew he felt so strongly about me before why the hell didn’t he tell me then? He got angry when I refused to tell him if I was seeing anyone, and even angrier when I rejected his invitation to hang out on 3 different occasions. Text after text he went on sending an ongoing tirade of nasty emotional messages.  My response was silence.

..And Men say women are hard to understand? Lol Anyways, I’m done ranting now. I need a drink.

The grass ain’t always greener..

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I shouldn’t have read the letter. It triggered all those same emotions I went so long to therapy to forget. For most people it’s just another news story about a girl that was raped, but for me it hits a little too close to home.

I come from a big family and am lucky to still have my parents together after 32 years. My mom gave birth to 5 girls and 1 boy. Sadly I’d never come to know my brother because he was a still birth. His funeral would be my first of dozens and I wasn’t even 2 years old. After my brother my mom had 4 more girls and we became what she called her little “tribe”. Growing up being so many, so close in age, and being all girls, we often drew lots of attention. Everyone would always ask the same exact questions, “Are you all sisters?” ..”All from the same parents?” .. “No boys?” followed by the typical ” I feel sorry for your poor dad!” response. We got used to it but people never got over that. We often joked around with each other saying that we were like “unicorns” because it became glaringly apparent that we were the last of a dying breed. As we got older and began to blossom into young women, the attention only grew. As our bodies and features changed over the years, we still bore a strikingly similar resemblance to one another. Many people confused us and developed crushes over multiple sisters. Many treated us as a group, rather than individuals, but we didn’t care. We were happy, sheltered and protected growing up. All too often we were labeled and judged by our appearance, and the perceived notions of others. Malicious rumors spread by bitter exes and old friends began to destroy our reputation and image over time.

A dear friend of our family always says, “It is impossible to become close to a “Durazo girl” and remain untouched or unmoved. You guys get under people’s skin and draw out their deepest thoughts, love and insecurities. People willingly give to you what they deny others. Falling in love with one sister is like falling for you all.” He says that because we were raised in a bubble of unrealistic expectations that we’ve learned to hold even ourselves to those unrealistic expectations too. It’s depressing to look back on the revolving door of relationships that we as sisters have had and lost. People who promised “forever” are long gone, and men we once adored have become ghosts haunting the hallways of our past. There have been those who came to us with nothing, and in return gained an entire family. It’s sad to see how the demise of our relationships and the loss of our presence has left them in a dark place. I don’t know what it feels like to experience our world and gain our acceptance, only to be denied reentry after the relationship has run its course. I imagine it’s gotta be a lot like culture sock. Both sides hurt when ties have to be cut. Its never easy but we are not the picture perfect image people often perceive us to be. We are more like the desolate desert filled with cracks that run deep and hide incredibly low valleys. We’ve seen our fair share of trials and tribulations. No matter how many there have been, the loss of any relationship hurts just the same, each one being unique and different. Each one baring its own scar.

When it comes to perfection we are far from it, as much as people wanna think how great we have it made, the reality is that there are traumas that have changed us forever. Which brings me back to my original thought about the rape victims letter. I couldn’t believe how each emotional and physical reprocussion from her rape echoed both of my sister’s emotions and cries. I wept bitterly reading the affect it had on her entire family as well and I felt a though I was reading an entry from one of my sisters journals. Not many people know this, but out of the 5 of us girls, two of us have been raped, and the other 2 have been molested by people who were involved heavily in the church. The one sister who has not been exploited in these ways has been cheated on and taken advantage by every man she’s ever loved. We have been manipulated and abused in every way imaginable and it’s always been at the hands of people who claimed to love us the most. It’s hard for us not to believe that there’s some kind of curse keeping us from maintaining any shred of real happiness.  I guess in order for light to shine through it must be engulfed in complete darkness. We bare the symbol and wear the scars. Bound by supernatural ties, childhood memories and vaults of secrets that we will never speak on. Like a chain we are linked together indefinitely by blood and love. We may be the little princess’ in our parents fairytale kingdom, but our father groomed us to be more than just another pretty face. We were trained like soldiers and disciplined as such. We were taught survival tactics that  helped shelter us, but ultimately didn’t teach us how to confront major life issues. As children when we fell we were reprimanded for it. When we got our feelings hurt, we were ignored. When we tried to sit on my father’s lap as we grew older, we were told it was improper. Our parents were somewhat cold emotionally and physically towards us. Cuddling and random hugs or kisses were left for annual holidays and birthdays.  High bars of expectations were set for us to reach in each category of life, and we grew up with the logic that nothing we could ever do would be good enough. Much like the illusion roses have to exude beauty while appearing defenseless, we were able to hide our sharp thorns. We learned how Beauty can distract the eyes long enough to keep our thorns undetected. The men who have tried to possess us, have ended up pricking themselves because they tried to hold us too tight. Some men have been understanding enough to know that roses left to bloom naturally, are the best roses of all. Some have come watering and sheltering us, allowing us the freedom to grow. Some have uprooted us and left us to dry out and wither away. Just as flowers have their seasons of death and bloom, so have my sisters and I.

The men that raped my sister’s were not men, they were cowards. They deflowered my roses and robbed our once innocent kingdom of its peace. Yes, my roses have managed to grow back even through concrete, but we all know that they will never be the same. My heart aches for that young woman the same way that it aches for my sisters. So many questions have gone unanswered and there’s even more that are bound to come up in the future. All I know is that pain changes people, and knowing that other lives are being destroyed by the same means, leaves me feeling so heartbroken. Her powerful letter reminded me to be thankful that I still have my sisters here with me to grow old with. Her words reminded me to remain hopeful and believe, that maybe letters like hers will help bring peace and understanding to other victims and their families. We have been irrevocably affected forever by the careless actions of cowards, but it doesn’t mean we have to remain in the dark places they left us in. We are not the product of things done to us. We are however defined by the way we deal with those struggles after they’ve tried to destroy us. I pray for my sisters and the victims of these vicious crimes. May they find the peace they so desperately seek within themselves and may letters like these continue to bring awareness to a dying world.

Random.


Finally off the sleep meds and my body is beginning to feel a sense of normalcy set in. 4 years on benzos is no joke. It’s taken me 6 months to wean down to nothing, but I’m not sure that’ll remain the case for long, thanks to my constant companion, insomnia. I’ve battled with it consistently for the last 5 years. It’s been a struggle that has broken me down mentally and emotionally many times over. It’s torture to feel physical exhaustion, but mentally not be able to find rest from your own thoughts. It’s time I allow myself a real chance to get acclimated to all the changes I’ve made around me, and see if it’s made a difference. Before the pills I remember how I couldn’t sleep unless I had someone lying beside me. I hide my body under baggy clothes cuddling the body next to me. Now i prefer my empty bed and going to sleep with nothing on. I don’t feel that longing I once did for companship, maybe because of all the nights I self soothed and cried myself to sleep?.. With a barricade of pillows I now hide myself away from anything and everyone. I love my solitude a little too much these days. The transition took some time, but I understand now that I cannot find peace in others, because I need to find it within myself. Some nights I’m able to do that, while other nights I find myself still tossing and turning till early morning light. Before I was haunted by reoccurring nightmares, now I’m lucky if I ever get to remember a dream. I’m praying I can continue to keep my peace moving forward.

*random thought*..

I was on fb deleting a crap load of people, when I saw a person I once cared for a great deal, under my “suggested friends” list. I noticed he has a new girlfriend and to be honest I’m glad he’s found happiness again. I really don’t care to elaborate beyond that, because there’s not much more to say. I’m completely indifferent towards him and that period of my life he was a part of. I wish him well and don’t regret anything because I learned a lot and grew wiser. It all played out the way it was always supposed to. Good for you. “Live and let die.”

As far as my current thoughts go I feel confusion over you. I have seen so many sides of you that I struggle to accept which version is actually you. You’re the “great pretender” and I saw that right away in you because it takes one to know one. We aren’t what we seem. We are not what people assume us to be. For the sake of peace we go along with whatever version of ourselves that everyone else feels most comfortable with . We’ve mastered the art of illusion and mystique for the sake of others. I have observed you become the “tough guy” with a chip on his shoulder, so confident and secure, cracking jokes and making everyone laugh. But the person you are when it’s just you and me is so different. When it’s just us alone you are sensitive, gentle and caring, a deep soul with intelligent thoughts and hidden talents. I just wish you would tell me what it is you feel sometimes instead of what you think. These sorts of silences leave me feeling uneasy and confused. But that’s enough for now.

Random thoughts equate to random blog posts. I guess that’s it for tonight. I’m beat