It was a gathering at my grandparents house, there was plenty of people around to keep me distracted, but I of course couldn’t resist the urge to fall into one of my many daydreams. Slowly my eyes began to fixate on my Nana’s face, her features, then the colors that started to blur in and all around her. I silently began to drift off into the blank nothingness that took me back to another time when things were much simpler, happier. There in my minds eye I could see my Tata, sitting in his chair, legs crossed, his right leg over the other, drinking his coffee, silently observing the family as we all talked and laughed. My heart swells even now, as I feel that old familiar ache, it’s one I’ve carried ever since the day he passed. I relished in that moment of nostalgia, reminiscing on his unmistakable scent; cologne, musk and cigarettes. The smell of a real man who had worked a long day under the scorching sun. More than anything I can remember how his hands felt and looked like. They were calloused and worn, but still strong. My Tata who had nothing to start with, created an entire world from those 2 hard working hands, and as rough as they were, they were always gentle enough to hold my heart. Some say my Tata had a history with alcoholism and addiction. I just think he felt everything so much more than others. He was simply misunderstood. He did what most misunderstood people do, retreat.Hard to believe it’s been 14 years since he’s passed, but the void he left with his depature, is still as apparent as it was back then. Time and death are no discriminators of people. They take whomever, wherever, and whenever they feel the moment seems fit. I can still hear the emptiness within me that still calls out his name. The heart is a stubborn thing.
http://skillofstrength.com/category/weight-loss/feed/ So, as you can imagine, it was easy to lose myself to my memories, and give all my attention to the past. I was as content as can be, until I felt the burning of someone’s eye searing into the side of my face. I looked where I felt the pull, and accidentally locked eyes with her. It was my older cousin. I could see her analyzing my bewildered expression and despondent eyes. She didn’t want me to see the worry and pity in her stare but I did. I was extremely reticent with my reaction in the awkwardness of the moment. I smiled at her, then quickly turned away. I knew the next words she’d speak would inevitably cause some uneasiness to ensue. I sat back and waited, and I could feel myself internally cringing the moment she opened her mouth. I quickly put my guard up. And like a boxer preparing to fight, block a punch, or throw a hook, I waited in place for her next move. I was preparing to protect myself.
http://wherewaterfalls.com/inquire-and-book/ It wasn’t the sort of blow I was anticipating. In fact, it wasn’t a blow at all. It was an olive branch in the form of 3 commonly used words that mean very little separately, but put together have such a powerful impact. “You’re not yourself.” She stopped me dead in my tracks, and I was able to identify myself with her statement . Her calm nature and loving way of showing her concern disarmed me. It wasn’t what I expected at all. I was preparing to be attacked, but she came at me with love. I couldn’t help but spew out honesty when I told her, “It’s true, I haven’t been myself for a really long time.” I guess her gentle approach enabled me to be more open and willing than I normally would have been otherwise. I didn’t just hear her words, buy I also watched as her actions were proving them with each loving response. I wanted to run, but her gentle spirit only drew me more in. I was touched and moved by her effort to reach me, along with her eagerness to try and understand what it is I felt. With her, I wasn’t some inadamant object that needed to “be fixed.” I wasn’t some twisted person needing to be “straightened out.” Not some screw up that needed to “get their shit together.” No, she saw me in all my messiness and still said she loved me, told me I was enough and that she cared. That was more than enough to comfort and inspire me. Even if it was only a moment for her, her impact will last a lifetime for me.http://thesoussegroup.com/60-cape-cod-irvine-ca-92620/
http://aquobex.com/products-list/internal-tanking/ I know I’ve been isolating myself a lot from everyone and everything. But I didn’t realize how bad it’s actually gotten up until recently. Luckily I’ve been blessed with a good family and friends in my life. They have continued to check up on me, and have decided to put their foot down, and dig their claws deep in. They aren’t willing to let me go without a fight. They’ve made it clear to me that they aren’t going anywhere. I’ve tested their words and made futile attempts to push them all away and ward off new friendships and relationships. I’ve walked away and they’ve followed. I’ve shut the door, and they have literally come crashing back in. i’ve stopped responding to their phone calls annd text messges, but they’ve sought me out. I know I’ve failed miserably in my attempts to distance myself from them, because inadvertantly, they have still managed to see glimpses of my vulnerability and struggles. I don’t know what it is about me that makes them so eager to defend me, so adamant about saving me. I know they can’t stand the rut I’m in for very long, and the moment they do, they wanna pull me out of it. But I’ve been here so long that in a twisted way it feels like home. With my loved one’s, its obvious they see things in me that I don’t see in myself and honestly there’s no point in saying “no” or telling them to “leave me alone,” because they are at a point where they absolutley refuse to see me self destruct. I know I’m tired, and I need to let someone else do all the chasing for once. I need to take this time to focus on my feelings, and be selfish with my decisions. I mean really be selfish and not be so scared of hurting everyone’s else’s feelings and neglecting my own. I won’t be silent anymore for the sake of peace. I won’t play happy if I’m not. I need to push people away, so I can better differentiate who and what really deserve my time and attention. If I push you away and you’re not pulling me back in on the other end, how am I to assume that you still care? I shut down when hurt, and can be hard to reach when I’m too far gone. I need words. I need actions. I need consistency. I realize it’s not something I am conscientious about in the moment, but after I’m able to recognize the reasons behind my madness. i feel so depleted of all energy and I’ve grown tired of having to keep up appearances for the sake of others peace of mind. I have no positive contributions to add to anything or anyone right now, so I’ve gradually become accustomed to just staying away.Buy Ambien Sj Us Cheap
Buy Klonopin Cheap I feel like I’ve lost a lot of faith in people, and the supposed “goodness” I once believed each person to have. I have always been the “glass half full” type of person, firmly believing in the “benefit of the doubt”, second chances, and the ability to truly change. Sadly, I don’t feel the same way anymore. Too many people have proven to me that things are never as they seem. Fairy tales aren’t reality, no one is coming to save me, and there isn’t always good in people to be found.Soma 350Mg 2410
Cheap Xanax From Canada Nowadays I’m choosing to save myself along with my energy for the sake of my own sanity. I’m saving my heart the disappointment of things I cannot control. In the past I used to be obsessed with the idea that no matter how long you knew someone, or how much you shared your thoughts with another person, you’d never fully know them completely. I saw beauty and a childlike wonderment in that. I felt a sort of peace in knowing that it’s okay to not be okay. Now I view this concept somewhat pessimistically, making excuses for why I should never let anyone truly into my heart. Guess I just don’t see the point in pretending anymore. I don’t have the patience or the tolerance for everyone’s judgments, bullshit, opinions and beliefs. This is my fucking life. I’ll live it as I damn well please, with whomever I please, coming and going whenever I please. You’re desires may have influenced my conscious and my world for before, but it never changed who I really am. I know I’m a different breed and I was born with this strong will and wild heart. I’ve always been in love with the idea of roaming free. Maybe one day I’ll meet someone who is able to keep up. I know I desperately need my independence, but I also need a safe haven to always fly back to. I’m hesitant to even think of gambling the chance of losing that ever again and losing myself. I’m not fazed by the promises of “forever” that people mutter to me in random moments, but I wouldn’t mind someone who could show me what it really means to stay. Thus why I stay away. There’s always someone trying to ground me, or tie me down, tell me how to act, or how to live my life. I know they mean well, but they should know their opinions mean nothing. Take my liquor bottle, and I’ll find another. Scare men off with your empty threats, and tell them to stay away. It won’t matter, I’ll find the same man in a different face. Take this match, and watch as I give you raging flames. I mean how don’t others understand how ohers don’t hear or see their own cruelty in doing such things. Why can’t they see how destructive their words are, and how insensitive they are being? How can you beat me down with your disappointment and words, then get angry at me when I don’t get up right away and walk? For all you “logical” thinkers, where is the logic in all that? You scold me as if I were a toddler, never respecting me as an individual, or as my own person. I’m not a robot or a puppet. How I “Wish you would learn to love people and use things,
And not the other way around.”
http://drumcommodities.com/contact/ After 3 decades, people still have not learned that this approach does nothing for me or you. You’re not pushing the agenda closer to me, or pushing the “toxic” things away. All you’re doing is creating more distance between you and I, because I’ll do what comes natural to me and run. Guilting and shaming does nothing but poison my mind and your heart. It isn’t your place to judge me, it’s your place to love me. I know I’m a mess and hard to read, difficult to understand and impossible to follow, but just know my hearts intentions are always in the right place. Believe in me and stop discouraging me each time I fail to get it right. Is that not what life’s about? Evolving, growing and changing? Maybe you could do the same and focus on your progress, instead of selfishly always getting caught up in mine. My feelings are mine alone, and no matter how much you may think you undestand, you really don’t. Keep your sermons, and simply pray for me.http://kurtlancaster.com/26/07/2010/adapting-redrocks-microshouldermount-to-dslr-configuration/zacuto_striker/undefined?1541365581306
http://kokannews.org/?author=1 And for those who have, are, and still do show me love in the many beautiful unconditional ways you do, please know that I appreciate you so very much. You each have been like little candles, leading me back onto the path that will take me home. Know that I’m not lost. I’m wandering and wondering, taking my time, even stumbling on my way, but growing stronger with each mistake, disappointment and fall. I haven’t given up on myself, so please don’t give up on me either.