Ramblings..

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Well, maybe I’m a crook for stealing your heart away
Yeah, maybe I’m a crook for not caring for it
Yeah, maybe I’m a bad, bad, bad, bad person
Well, baby, I know..”

Dear man in the moon,

I can’t sleep tonight.
Sometimes if I’m lucky, I can get some decent sleep here and there, but it’s never consistent, never peaceful. Not since I lost you.

Tonight my thoughts circulate back to you; my dreamer, my believer, my remedy, and my mistake. All of you have changed me and left me missing you every night . We’ve gone our separate ways, but you never left my thoughts. I’m haunted by you, wondering stupidly to myself, if I ever cross any of your minds. I worry that you’ve already forgotten me, in this silence that screams so loud. It’s all so pointless, isn’t it?..

..“And these fingertips
Will never run through your skin
And those bright blue eyes
Can only meet mine across the room filled with people that are less important than you.”

I heard it once said, “everything looks like a glimmer of light, when you’re in complete darkness.” Maybe that’s always been my problem?  My throat closes up just writing that now, because I now see the truth. It’s all unavoidable and uncomfortable, but when isn’t the truth? I say things out of anger like,”I wish I could take it all back and forget,” but I’m a liar. Such a liar! I never would. Not then. Not now. Not ever.

“All ’cause you love, love, love
When you know I can’t love
You love, love, love
When you know I can’t love
You love, love, love
When you know I can’t love you”

So many have come in the name of love, trying to woo, with promises, gifts, and charming words, but I remain unfazed and untouched. None of them see me, at least not the real me. They only see my surface and fall in love with it, only to discover later that their beautiful little pond was actually a deep dark lake. There’s nothing wrong with any of you. As cliche as it sounds, I wish I could help you understand that it’s never been you, it’s me. I’m not rejecting you out of fear of your love, I reject you out a fear of mine. My love is dangerous and I’m currently learning healthy ways of harnessing it. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never be able to fully have it controlled or contained, but I’m learning to redirect it into healthy outlets. I’m learning to embrace it and respect it. I can’t live in fear of it forever. I won’t.

“So I think it’s best we both forget before we dwell on it
The way you held me so tight
All through the night
‘Til it was near morning”

If it sounds like I’m talking in circles, it’s because I am. I’m everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. And even though it exhausts me physically, it is this very reason why my mind never sleeps. Insomnia, my most obnoxious companion,  is rooted in loneliness and regret, making it impossible to find peace late at night. It is a loneliness of never being understood, and a regret for not being able to express that to others. I do all too often see their faces, replay their words, relive certain moments, but it all ends the same way. I’m always walking away, leaving them before I am left. Why am I always leaving? If only, you all knew that I run away most in those moments I really want to stay. Maybe it is because chaos can never know order. Stability can never know insecurity. Yet somehow I still try.

Truth is, I just need to learn to accept and quit trying to stop these waves of admonitions that come in the dead of night. I need to stop fighting the tide when it pulls me in to take me away to  new, foreign and unseen places. Sad part is, that even though I go, pieces of my heart will forever choose to stay. Guess that’s what I fear most about my love, its inability to fully ever let go. I can only give up pieces of myself here and there. And When I give pieces of myself to others, I never ask for them back.  Even if I could get them back, I wouldn’t want them. So If I have given you a piece, it’s yours, and I want nothing to do with it anymore. Keep it, it belongs to you now.

Love is a gift, but love is also sacrifice. That’s how I know I loved  each of you dearly, because I gave you that love, when I knew I’d have to let you go over and over again, every single night, moving forward.

Thanks for always listening to me ramble, man in the moon. Maybe one day you’ll make sense of all this for me..

Till then,
Goodnight

Published by vanessaariana

I am a free spirit with an open mind and an old soul. This online journal is an eclectic mix of all the things I am most passionate about. I cannot be defined by one label or boxed into one category and this site is a complete expression of that. It may not be everyone's cup of tea, but it's always true to who I am, vulnerable, raw and honest! Hope you enjoy!

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